You can't change them.

Is this your son? Have you tried talking directly to his wife? Ask what you could do to make things easier for her? Same with the child at college....have you tried talking directly to them?

I am afraid it is my sibling.

Oh well, you have even less power. (although maybe that's a good thing?...I wouldnt want my son to end up that way)

Are holidays at your house? Your parents?

I'm sorry. Holidays are the worst.

I think that it's a good question about where the holidays are. If they are at your house, then you can draw boundaries and let them know they are only welcome if sober. Their spouse and child are welcome. If they are at your parents' house, then it's not in your control and there's also a question about whether your parents are in denial or enabling. You can still see about visiting your family over a stretch of time when they aren't there or you can leave if things get too bad. I recommend the book Boundaries to help know where the lines are and how to set your limits.

There is also peace in acceptance. After all this time, they are unlikely to change. This is a horrible disease. The awful behavior is a symptom of that disease. It's not in their control, so there's no point in getting angry at them. The alcohol re-wires their brain. It's also not possible for them to quit cold turkey or simply not drink. Alcohol withdrawal is physically painful and makes a person sick. In fact, a person going through alcohol withdrawal can die without medical supervision. So, expecting them to show up sober and act like the rest of us is not realistic. You make yourselves sick with the anger and frustration. Fighting and criticizing them only makes it worse for everyone. You'll have more success with a calm talk in a relatively sober time planting the seed to go to rehab for help and offering your own help to make that happen.

That's where the boundaries come in. The answer is separation from the situation when the boundaries are crossed and you are feeling upset. Take your niece or nephew out to a movie. Go for a walk. Divorce may be the right answer for the spouse.

Thought maybe if I was honest and shared what was going on it might help. Have tried leaving them alone, tried being calm, tried being nice and none of those have worked over the years, so thought maybe being honest would help since it is the only approach have not tried. Nope big bust on that one.

Holidays are at my house as there are no parents left. I have expressed the you are welcome if sober and their spouse and children are always welcome. The last major holidays the spouse and child have attended my sibling no.

Well aware of the issues with an alcoholic withdrawals and the dangers it poses to them with their blood pressure, heart rate etc. Please note when I ask them to come sober, I mean not bobble head drunk. And to not go around stealing the alcohol from the other guests. Too many times we found things emptied or opened that weren't after my sibling left. It makes it very unpleasant for the rest of the family and the guests who come to share the holiday.

Sad thing my sibling is not the only one I have ever had to deal with. Lost an in law to drinking, have another one that appears to be headed down that road and for some reason my sibling who knows these people just keeps on rolling along.

I am tired of addicts and alcoholics they are wearing me out. Tried everything but cutting them out of my life. Not sure that is the right thing when I love their children and think the world of their spouse. I understand there is a battle going on but I saw what it did to our parents. It literally wore our mother out and she just gave up on life because of it, she just could not fight her health issues and deal with my sibling and the destruction that was wrought in everyone's life.

I do appreciate your comments on this and as you can tell, not dealing with it well.

Addicts and alcoholics truly are exhausting, so you need to do what is right for you. Perhaps you can make plans to do things just with the spouse and/or children, away from the holidays. My addict is my son. Fortunately, he's off the opiates, but I still find myself watching the amount of alcohol that he drinks at family occasions. I'm learning to let that go and just accept that as long as he behaves himself. He's also learning to make an appearance and not stay too long, so we keep the interaction in small doses. I make my connections to him mostly outside the group/party atmosphere.

Making these adjustments has made my life much more peaceful, but even now I find it draining.

Thank you for that advice, very valid ideas. I am so sorry you have to deal with that and I do appreciate how very hard it is