Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
Why do I keep doing this to myself? I said I wouldn't help her or talk to her as long as she continued to use and not help herself. I can't focus at work or home. I am so tired. You would think I would be use to this by now. Having an addict parent is the worse thing any child can have because it never stops. Even after you have your own children. Now your children ask what's wrong with Grandma when she comes around right after a binge. I am getting to a point of hatred.
Overcoming the continual flow of one crisis after another caused by addiction requires
detachment. Here is how it has already helped many in Nar-Anon.
We all want to be helpful, kind and caring people. For many of us, that has been the
hallmark of our character. We helped others, especially the addict in our life, even
when we had to sacrifice to do it. When our addicted loved one had a problem, we
were the first to come to the rescue. If they were fired from their job, arrested or simply
sick from the drugs, we defended them, had them released and nursed them day and
night.
Even when they were hurtful to us, we overlooked the physical and mental pain we
suffered while we tried to help. Without realizing it we became addicted to helping
them regardless of the consequences for them, for us or our family. Our lives where
centered on making things right, fixing all the problems and carrying all the
responsibilities. Our lives and happiness became focused on what we did for the
addict.
In fact many of us felt we had no life separate from our addicted spouse, child or
friend. Others could see this, but we couldn't, we denied any suggestion along those
lines.
Nar-Anon helped us see this destructive and compulsive behavior for what it is--part of
the family disease of addiction. Nar-Anon also helped us understand and begin to use
an important tool to overcome this contributing part of the disease: DETACTMENT
Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It is simply a way of beginning our own
recovery program, and allows us to recover from the devastating effects that living with
the disease of addiction has had on our lives.
Detachment is facing reality so we can look at our own situation in a more objective
and realistic way. By employing detachment, we begin to create a positive chain of
reactions which allow us to make intelligent and constructive decisions.
When we disengage our emotions from the problems and addict we love and care
about, that's detachment. This doesn't mean we walk away but rather we learn to see
the cause and effects objectively and unemotionally.
Detaching doesn't mean we stop loving or caring. We can still love and care about the
addict; we just have to do it in ways that leave them free to solve their addiction and
problems their using created.
First we learn that we are not responsible for the illness or actions of the addict. This is
a critical point. As long as we somehow felt we were responsible for their using or the
consequences of their using, we were trapped in the insanity of the disease. Drug
addiction is a disease which the addict did not set out to get, and neither they nor us
have control over who gets the disease and who does not.
We become aware that we are obsessed with another's behavior and as we learn to let
go we find that we can live our lives in a more manageable, happier and constructive
way. This doesn't mean we have to live without them it means we become aware of
and exercise our own individuality.
We learn in Nar-Anon:
~~ Not to allow ourselves to be manipulated or controlled by another person. Don't
automatically react to things they do or say. Take time to take stock of all the facts and
then mediate ----- your Higher Power will help.
~~ Not to accept others responsibilities each person needs to carry their share of
burdens and responsibilities. As long as we take on the work load of the one we love,
they feel free to go do something else without facing the consequences.
~~ Not to stand in the way to prevent a crisis; when they are sick from using, we don't
say it's a cold. When they spend the car payment money on drugs we don't borrow
money from our friends or relatives. As long as we continued to prevent a crisis,
nothing changed or improved, we simply had a harder time finding solutions
~~ Not to provoke a crisis; the next crisis is going to come in its natural time. Creating a
new one only adds to the problems you face.
~~ Not to make excuses, cover up or take the blame for others; if they have done
something wrong, we learn to let them suffer the consequences. Yes, there may be
consequences for us and other family members too, but we learn the emotional cost for
their action is not ours to pay.
~~ We care enough not to care; while this sounds harsh, we cannot continue to worry
ourselves sick over what they are doing or what is going to happen next. We have our
lives to live too and only if we can care enough not to care can we begin to have life of
our own.
~~ Not to be personally offended by the addict. We can look past the drugs and see
another human being who has the disease called addiction which is caused by drugs.
We learn to be compassionate towards them without taking on shame because they
have an incurable disease.
~~ Detachment brings us closer to our Higher Power because without help from God
things are not really going to get better.
~~ What are the rewards of detachment? At first there may be pain, uncertainty and
more worry. But in time the weight of carrying everybody's burdens will lighten. When
we restrict our burdens to our share, life becomes easier to face.
~~ We begin to have some clarity on our thinking and reaction to problems. Clarity
leads to peace of mind and the more we exercise detachment in our loving
relationships the more peace we find in ourselves.
~~ Detachment begins to free us from the bondage we've been in for years. At last we
can live without feelings of guilt or shame. In time, the feeling of insecurity or lack of
self worth will fade and will be replaced with confidence.
~~ Detachment brings freedom and can eventually lead to a sense of serenity.
Achieving detachment is a slow process and one filled with triumph and pain. But this
is where you get closer to your Higher Power.
~~ Detachment does not come easily or quickly. Most Nar-Anon members report better
progress when they regularly attend meetings and work with a sponsor. By sharing our
progress and setbacks with other members we gain new strength for the challenges
ahead.
~~ Without the experience, strength and hope we learn from others, Detachment will
likely remain a theory mentioned in a pamphlet. Building detachment as an element of
your character takes effort and support. You can find that support in Nar-Anon
and you should explain to them, in age appropriate terms that their grandma is sick.
practice makes better. SO, just take care of you. set your boundaries and love on your kids!
When I finally went to counseling I became addicted to it. I could finally unload all the horrific things she did to me. It took years to do. Mine was verbally and physically abusive. I mean the type that chased me with knives from about 8 years old Til I left at 18.
Why can't you detach? In my opinion...it's a simple answer. It's what you know. You are having trouble breaking away from what is familiar. Torn from the life you knew to a life you know you can have if you do break free. No one can tell you when to do it. Or even how to do it. Because in a sense we are like addicts to. We are addicted to our addicts and the pain they put us through. I can only tell you that like me one day you will snap and have enough. There won't be any turning back at that point.
I know this will happen for you because you have awareness that it's not healthy and will never change. My mother never changed. She had learned her boundaries with me and didn't like it. She was cruel even to the end when she said she hoped I cried the hardest at her funeral. She was right I did. But not for the mother I had...but for the mother I never did. I always envied those who had Moms to shop and cook with and learn about life.
One thing that helped me tremendously was finding people I wanted to be like and learning from them. Or elderly women who I clung to that we're kind to me. Mostly my friends parents who had to teach me what love felt like. For that I was blessed.
You know the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. Think hard about that. It's very true. Who knows one day if you set boundaries she may learn to respect them. You will never know if you don't try. Good luck!
I do have to say I disagree w the point that addicts have a disease & don't choose this. Yes some ppl are more predisposed to addiction, but at the end of the day, it's a choice to use. I think it's more of a self destructive pattern of behaviors than a disease & it is possible for any addict to get help if they want it enough.