Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
My husband has had many years of addiction and recovery after an accident that left him with back problems. Following his heroin use and into his recovery, we began dating and this year, we married.
About two months before the wedding, I noticed marks on his arms and started getting really upset and scared. He finally admitted to using but said it was a one-time thing and that he was done. This period was difficult as our wedding was paid for and we had 200 guests attending. I didn't want to stop the whole thing and make his family worry, as they finally felt he was bound for success and healthy again.
Fast forward to a week after the wedding. More track marks appeared on his arms and he admitted once again to using. His excuse was that whenever we drove downstate to visit family, his frame of mind was too much like that of his former life and that it was hard to control. He went on for a couple of weekends using and I continued to discover these marks on him until we left for our honeymoon.
What a honeymoon, eh?
Living "up north" in Michigan means living several hours away from Detroit and his usual stomping grounds for heroin abuse. He claims he doesn't want to bring drugs up here and into our safe haven because he says it will ruin everything we have and he won't be able to stop.
I acknowledge that this is a good point of view for him to have, except it doesn't stop him from using when we're downstate. Our entire families are down there, Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays... the only way to not attend these family events would be to tell everyone that he's using again and that he needs to stay away.
On Sunday (11/15/15) he turned 30. We went downstate to have birthday celebrations with our families and while there, he got away from me for a few hours to "visit his mother and father," but I didn't find out until later that this was not the case.
Driving back up north, he pulled off the freeway so I could get medicine at Meijer for the flu I am currently going through. He dropped me off in front of the store and told me he was going to get gas across the parking lot. When he didn't come back for me, I walked to the gas station, approached his car, and there he was, smoking heroin through some makeshift pipe (which I didn't know you could even do).
As it turns out, after raiding the entire car, he had gone and purchased a whole mess of this crap in Detroit. He had 12 bags, needles, spoons, pipes... all in our car sitting amongst his birthday gifts.
Maybe I am too trusting of him when he says he's done, maybe I'm too scared to tell the people who need to know. But right now, I am lost. We went home that night and he turned into a nasty and mean version of himself. He told me he doesn't love me the way that I love him. He said he is selfish and that he doesn't care about getting better. He said that it doesn't matter if he continues to use downstate and that if nobody knows it can't hurt them. He had been smoking the crap so that I didn't' find out about it by seeing marks on his arms.
Right now I can't reach out to anyone without messing up our marriage further. His parents would be beyond angry and they'd probably try to convince me to leave him, he says, and I believe that because his father was reluctant to believe he'd ever be okay when we started dating.
My family wouldn't be able to handle knowing all of this about him or knowing that I'm in this situation. It would break my dad's heart, I know.
The most terrifying thing is knowing what I've heard from those in the Detroit area that so much of the drugs there are laced with dangerous things that can cause instant death. I've only just gotten married and I didn't sign up to be a 28-year-old widow.
I thought his addiction was years into recovery and now I am feeling stuck and terrified. I'm afraid that keeping the information from his family or mine is cruel, but they've helped us so much, I would hate to break them with this news.
More than anything, I just want him to be okay. To have his personality back. He was sweet and kind and caring before. We were planning on starting a family right away; we just bought our first house and had even been talking about painting the 2nd bedroom to be a nursery. To have a child with my husband would be selfish of me, I know. Even though we both want children badly, I can't think about bringing a life into this world when he isn't even able to care for himself or our marriage right now.
I'd like to attend Nar-Anon meetings, but there aren't any in the Traverse City, MI area. Please, if you have any words of wisdom for me, let me know.
I'm struggling here.
About two months before the wedding, I noticed marks on his arms and started getting really upset and scared. He finally admitted to using but said it was a one-time thing and that he was done. This period was difficult as our wedding was paid for and we had 200 guests attending. I didn't want to stop the whole thing and make his family worry, as they finally felt he was bound for success and healthy again.
Fast forward to a week after the wedding. More track marks appeared on his arms and he admitted once again to using. His excuse was that whenever we drove downstate to visit family, his frame of mind was too much like that of his former life and that it was hard to control. He went on for a couple of weekends using and I continued to discover these marks on him until we left for our honeymoon.
What a honeymoon, eh?
Living "up north" in Michigan means living several hours away from Detroit and his usual stomping grounds for heroin abuse. He claims he doesn't want to bring drugs up here and into our safe haven because he says it will ruin everything we have and he won't be able to stop.
I acknowledge that this is a good point of view for him to have, except it doesn't stop him from using when we're downstate. Our entire families are down there, Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays... the only way to not attend these family events would be to tell everyone that he's using again and that he needs to stay away.
On Sunday (11/15/15) he turned 30. We went downstate to have birthday celebrations with our families and while there, he got away from me for a few hours to "visit his mother and father," but I didn't find out until later that this was not the case.
Driving back up north, he pulled off the freeway so I could get medicine at Meijer for the flu I am currently going through. He dropped me off in front of the store and told me he was going to get gas across the parking lot. When he didn't come back for me, I walked to the gas station, approached his car, and there he was, smoking heroin through some makeshift pipe (which I didn't know you could even do).
As it turns out, after raiding the entire car, he had gone and purchased a whole mess of this crap in Detroit. He had 12 bags, needles, spoons, pipes... all in our car sitting amongst his birthday gifts.
Maybe I am too trusting of him when he says he's done, maybe I'm too scared to tell the people who need to know. But right now, I am lost. We went home that night and he turned into a nasty and mean version of himself. He told me he doesn't love me the way that I love him. He said he is selfish and that he doesn't care about getting better. He said that it doesn't matter if he continues to use downstate and that if nobody knows it can't hurt them. He had been smoking the crap so that I didn't' find out about it by seeing marks on his arms.
Right now I can't reach out to anyone without messing up our marriage further. His parents would be beyond angry and they'd probably try to convince me to leave him, he says, and I believe that because his father was reluctant to believe he'd ever be okay when we started dating.
My family wouldn't be able to handle knowing all of this about him or knowing that I'm in this situation. It would break my dad's heart, I know.
The most terrifying thing is knowing what I've heard from those in the Detroit area that so much of the drugs there are laced with dangerous things that can cause instant death. I've only just gotten married and I didn't sign up to be a 28-year-old widow.
I thought his addiction was years into recovery and now I am feeling stuck and terrified. I'm afraid that keeping the information from his family or mine is cruel, but they've helped us so much, I would hate to break them with this news.
More than anything, I just want him to be okay. To have his personality back. He was sweet and kind and caring before. We were planning on starting a family right away; we just bought our first house and had even been talking about painting the 2nd bedroom to be a nursery. To have a child with my husband would be selfish of me, I know. Even though we both want children badly, I can't think about bringing a life into this world when he isn't even able to care for himself or our marriage right now.
I'd like to attend Nar-Anon meetings, but there aren't any in the Traverse City, MI area. Please, if you have any words of wisdom for me, let me know.
I'm struggling here.
he has lied the whole time.
1. put all the money in an account he has no access to.
2. make it clear that when he gets arrested, you will not bail him out
3. hide all your valuables, he will be stealing them soon
4. do not allow him to take the car. hide the keys, he will sell it to a dealer (it will get "stolen") OR he will kill someone driving stoned.
5. set your boundaries of what you are willing to do, and when he hits a boundary you or he leave. don't say it if you won't do it.
6. think about where you want to be in 5 years...here? again?
7. someone in your family already knows. they covered for him...
8. if you are in the car with him YOU will be arrested too...he may even claim it is your stuff.
9. DON"T get pregnant. DUH...not the time. no it won't make him get sober
10. join a codependency group. You need to get a back bone and fast. this is a dangerous situation. You don't need druggies or dealers coming by your house.
have I gotten your attention? Do you realize the situation you are in? who gives a flying fig what anyone else thinks! They aren't living it. I had to, it was my kid...and I didn't let him live with me. He was a drunk...Oh yeah, and the public humiliation? I thought it was bad my kid was on our local court TV for every tuesday and thursday for a month...just today, I said to my husband, thank god he got sober before all his crap would have been on the internet...forever.
yes, I know I am being bitchy and tough. It is late, I am tired...but YOU can't change him. You can't cure him or control him. and you didn't cause it.
YOU, my dear, really don't matter to him as much as his drugs. Sorry, but it is the truth. Welcome to the insanity of addiction. Now, it is up to you what you do, and how you handle it and how much time you give him...but YOU have to take care of YOU. no one else can. Just like no one can help him but him. BUT by setting limits, and living a healthy life, you can be a light at the end of a tunnel...if he wants to see it.
I only wish you well
The words that really come to mind is "run, forest, run"
The lies are what makes it obvious that he does care more about drugs than about me. I will set boundaries and stick to my guns this time. I needed to hear this.
Thank you very much for these words. I am trying to find a group to join because the support and in-person connections would be very helpful at this point.
Fearful, but thankful,
Lauren
Doesn't matter how much money you make for him to steal. You just haven't hit that point together yet. Give it time. He will lose his job and that's when you start losing your mind.
Stay on here and read and read and read. At the very least know what you are in for from all of us. And as Blue said we stay because they are our kids. I left my husband years ago for his addiction. My jewelry went missing and eventually I barely had any money to feed my kids. And he went to work everyday too. He had a habit to support. He's 66 now and owes the IRS over $200,000 and owns nothing. Glad I got out before I ended up in his boat
Many people do get to a point of recovery and I think it's important for me to be helping him as long as he is accepting help.
We have a therapy appointment for next Tuesday at an addiction therapist's place. Hoping for some strategies and coping skills for both of us.
I think the first thing for you to do is to get educated about opiate addiction. Your husband went through the common process of starting with pain pills and moving on to heroin. He became an opiate addict because of the pain pills.
Opiate addicts are not able to simply go back to using the drug when they go back to another town or just occasionally for a weekend. They are either in relapse or they are not. As soon as they go back to using, they will get sick when they stop. That's why they keep going back to the drug. So, when he said it was a one-time thing, he was lying. He has been using all along. In fact, I'd question whether he really was sober for years. Do not assume that he was telling you the truth. Maybe he was, but he hasn't been for awhile. It's possible he has been hiding it from you by smoking or snorting the drugs or by using pills. That's why you haven't seen track marks. But, you may have seen other signs without realizing it, such as torn off corners of baggies, pieces of foil, small balloons, black smudge marks, cut off pieces of straws or pen parts. You can also look at his eyes. A person who is using opiates will have pinpoint pupils. They may also nod off and have mood swings. They tend to be pleasant to be around when they are using and become mean and nasty when they feel sick from withdrawal. You need to consider the possibility that he was sweet and kind and caring because he was using heroin and that he might be a completely different person if he gets clean.
In the end, it doesn't matter if he's downstate or upstate. It's very likely that he's using no matter where he is.
Yes, the drugs can be laced with other drugs that can cause instant death. On the other hand, heroin itself can cause instant death. So can the mixture of opiates and alcohol. He is playing Russian Roulette. If you want to increase his chances of staying alive, then look into getting NarCan.
About the finances, heroin runs about $80 per day, and that varies by location and the amount he uses. His tolerance level will build up and he will gradually need to have more. As the disease takes further hold, he will be less able to work. His health will decline. Marriage to a heroin addict can be a complete disaster financially. Don't assume that you can see everything just because you have joint accounts. He could be running up debt through cash advances on credit cards or other means without your knowledge and you could be on the hook for it. You could also lose everything if he gets into legal trouble or does something like crashes a car into someone while high. Please protect yourself.
You are also correct. He cares more about the drugs than about you. That's not personal. It's the way that it is with all addicts. They are married to the drug. Without it they become very sick. It also changes their brain chemistry so they are not really capable of truly loving another person unless they have been sober long enough for their brain to recover.
There is hope, but there are no guarantees. He will need to go through detox, possibly in patient therapy, possibly out patient therapy, and maybe a long bout with Suboxone or Methadone. It could be several years before you know if he's going to be able to maintain sobriety. Even then, he could relapse again and the whole process will start over.
The question is whether you want to wait to find out and put your life on hold (including children) while he may or may not get his act together. Do you believe in him enough to risk your dreams of having children and a marriage that's a partnership? Only you can answer that, but I strongly urge you to consider this, possibly with one-on-one counseling for yourself in addition to his addiction counseling. It's very possibly you will need to walk away to preserve your own dreams.
I know I can't believe everything he says and I won't, but I do want to help him. I think for now I am going to see how one-on-one and couples therapy works for him and for us. There is a NarAnon group meeting I'm going to try and beyond that, I hope some kind words will come my way.
Praying for healing.
-L
I live everyday for 21 years fearful of "the call". It's a terrible way to live. I don't sleep sound. I have the phone next to my bed. I wake up with severe panic attacks and find myself praying at three in the morning almost every night. I've seen my best friend bury her son and have been to more funerals because of heroin then I care to have seen.
We as a group in here feel you're pain. We feel the hope you have in making all this work. And honestly I pray he is one of the ones who get it together so we can hear and share your success. I thought I was there with my youngest clean 120 days and now I just dropped him off to a meeting whacked out of his mind. Another night of no sleep again worrying.
Glad you have reached out to get support. Wish you the best. Here if you need me.
and everyone who says keep the money...we have seen it..
if if if he gets worse, he will lose his job and he will steal. he is sick. it is an illness that they have take over their brains and soul. So start a side bank account.
My saying always is Hope for the Best and Plan for the Worst."
and I am glad you are going to try to get support.
Theory is one thing, living it is another. Heart/head...
I hope he gets back on the wagon and stays on forever.
it all comes down to one day, alone, without worrying about what anyone one else thinks or wants...you alone, will have to decide what you want.
Make a plan to revisit your life in 6 months and decide.
I wish you well.
AND- my husband had a stroke and wouldn't quit smoking...I took him to the cardiologist in the morning and the lawyer to write wills in the afternoon...and he still didn't quit. SO what did I do? I got lots more life insurance for me and some small kids....I love him. We are together 32 years...I hoped for the best and planned for the worst. we have to take care of ourselves. (and he did finally quit two years ago- 20 years later)
I went to church tonight and spoke with our pastor who will be reaching out to my husband and offering his support. Justin has agreed that he always felt a great deal of relief from addiction when he attended church regularly. He has committed to going next week and to talking with pastor.
I continue to look to the light and pray for his grace and release from this perilous prison.
-L.