Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
Hello,
I am a mother of 4 sons. Alcoholism runs in my family, along with depression. I always warned my sons they had a genetic predisposition to alcoholism. My youngest is 21, living 500 miles away. When he was around 17, my husband began to let him have beer. They would drink at my husband's shop (body shop). My son would come home tipsy or drunk, & I would hit the roof. I kept trying to tell my husband he was harming our son by encouraging him to drink. His philosophy has always been "I'd rather he learn about it from me, than go out & drink with his friends. If we don't allow him to drink now, when he leaves home, he will go crazy with it". Well, guess what? He is now an alcoholic. I have begged him to let me take him for treatment, but he refuses. He has lost a job, ended up in the "drunk tank" 4 times. I can tell within a minute on the phone if he's been drinking. He is belligerent, combative & disrespectful. He will be 22 in January, so I realize it's out of my control. I begged him again today to let us take him to rehab. NOPE, he says "im not going to let anyone lock me up!" He tried the out-patient program to no avail. I think he needs to be restricted, & in a place where he WILL NOT have alcohol available to him. I am SO worried, & living 500 miles away makes it worse. I pray for him daily, but that's all I can do. I cant talk to anyone about it, because I live in a small town & I don't want everyone & their dog to know about it. I have a lot of resentment toward my husband, having a hard time letting it go.. He now feels bad about his actions, but it's too late. The only reason I stay with him is because I think it would do more harm to our son. He is very sensitive & would blame himself for a divorce. Sorry this is so long, it's been along time since I've vented about it. Thank you!
I am a mother of 4 sons. Alcoholism runs in my family, along with depression. I always warned my sons they had a genetic predisposition to alcoholism. My youngest is 21, living 500 miles away. When he was around 17, my husband began to let him have beer. They would drink at my husband's shop (body shop). My son would come home tipsy or drunk, & I would hit the roof. I kept trying to tell my husband he was harming our son by encouraging him to drink. His philosophy has always been "I'd rather he learn about it from me, than go out & drink with his friends. If we don't allow him to drink now, when he leaves home, he will go crazy with it". Well, guess what? He is now an alcoholic. I have begged him to let me take him for treatment, but he refuses. He has lost a job, ended up in the "drunk tank" 4 times. I can tell within a minute on the phone if he's been drinking. He is belligerent, combative & disrespectful. He will be 22 in January, so I realize it's out of my control. I begged him again today to let us take him to rehab. NOPE, he says "im not going to let anyone lock me up!" He tried the out-patient program to no avail. I think he needs to be restricted, & in a place where he WILL NOT have alcohol available to him. I am SO worried, & living 500 miles away makes it worse. I pray for him daily, but that's all I can do. I cant talk to anyone about it, because I live in a small town & I don't want everyone & their dog to know about it. I have a lot of resentment toward my husband, having a hard time letting it go.. He now feels bad about his actions, but it's too late. The only reason I stay with him is because I think it would do more harm to our son. He is very sensitive & would blame himself for a divorce. Sorry this is so long, it's been along time since I've vented about it. Thank you!
What you can do is control your own behavior and actions. That's all that we are able to do. Have you considered the possibility of trying to forgive your husband and work on your marriage? I can understand why you are upset. I would be too. But, he is sorry about his mistake and you don't really know if your son would have been an alcoholic either way. Given his pre-disposition, chances are that he would have. It would be very sad if your marriage were a casualty of this disease and if you were to lose each other when you are both in need of someone to talk to about this and to provide support. Have you considered marriage counseling?
While your husband made a poor decision to allow your son to drink at 17, he did NOT cause the addiction / alcoholism . None of us cause our loved ones their addictions! We surely can not control it, and most unfortunately we can not cure it. I have mentioned this several times ....if only love and prayer were enough to cure our addicts they would ALL be clean and sober! The truth is......that is NOT enough. They have to WANT and work for their sobriety.
Sooo......continue to pray for him, and let him know that you are there for him when he is ready to become sober.
I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers..
Please.....say the Serentiy Prayer often...
Peace.....
P.s. please don't blame your husband.....it sounds like you both have a lot on your plates. Work together...for each other, and your children..
all we can do is 1. not enable and 2. take care of ourselves.
I know how you suffer.
Alanon readings, buddhist readings, bible, all of it helped, and yoga for the breathing.
let him fail forward to success.
and if there are any treatment centers that have open meetings for friends and families of addicts, I would go.