Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
My daughter has been in the sober house since October because of a slip. She has been doing well and I think she understands why this time I am really practicing tough love. Last weekend I let her stay the night while her son was here, everything went well except that my son will not allow her upstairs and I do understand why and I am OK with that.
She has been having problems with endometriosis which is nothing new. She has had several surgeries and had an ovary an a fallopian tube removed about 5 years ago. This is why I believe her son is a true miracle! She just called me from the doctors office after having an ultasound and has to have another surgery, she may have to have her other ovary removed or have a full hysterectomy. She has suffered with endometrios since she was 16 and I know she is tired of having these surgeries so I don't know what she will decide to do. I told her I will go with her to talk to with her doctor about her options.
Now the problem! We do know that she will be having some kind of surgery that is for sure. She asked me if she can stay here while she recovers. The mother in me says yes of course but as the mother of an addict I am thinking twice and it is making me feel terrible. I have always been there for her when she needs me and she has for me so why do I feel like this? Currently she lives on the 3rd floor so she will be unable to do the stairs which makes sense why she should stay her for a little while. I know I shouldn't let my son influence my decision but he can be very difficult to deal with when it comes to his sister and this is causing me so much anxiety. She has no one else to take care of her and no where else to go while she recovers so this decision should be an easy one but its not so easy. I have been giving it a lot of though and have not given her an answer yet.
Any advice will help. Am I letting my son's feelings stand in the way of helping my daughter. I could use a little help here so I will listen to any given. One important thing I forgot to tell you is that after her surgery she will be on some kind of pain medicine and she would like me to hold it and help her manage taking it while she needs it. This is encouraging isn't it? My mind is spinning, I don't know what to do. Should I follow my heart and help or let my son influence my decision?
Thanks for any help!
She has been having problems with endometriosis which is nothing new. She has had several surgeries and had an ovary an a fallopian tube removed about 5 years ago. This is why I believe her son is a true miracle! She just called me from the doctors office after having an ultasound and has to have another surgery, she may have to have her other ovary removed or have a full hysterectomy. She has suffered with endometrios since she was 16 and I know she is tired of having these surgeries so I don't know what she will decide to do. I told her I will go with her to talk to with her doctor about her options.
Now the problem! We do know that she will be having some kind of surgery that is for sure. She asked me if she can stay here while she recovers. The mother in me says yes of course but as the mother of an addict I am thinking twice and it is making me feel terrible. I have always been there for her when she needs me and she has for me so why do I feel like this? Currently she lives on the 3rd floor so she will be unable to do the stairs which makes sense why she should stay her for a little while. I know I shouldn't let my son influence my decision but he can be very difficult to deal with when it comes to his sister and this is causing me so much anxiety. She has no one else to take care of her and no where else to go while she recovers so this decision should be an easy one but its not so easy. I have been giving it a lot of though and have not given her an answer yet.
Any advice will help. Am I letting my son's feelings stand in the way of helping my daughter. I could use a little help here so I will listen to any given. One important thing I forgot to tell you is that after her surgery she will be on some kind of pain medicine and she would like me to hold it and help her manage taking it while she needs it. This is encouraging isn't it? My mind is spinning, I don't know what to do. Should I follow my heart and help or let my son influence my decision?
Thanks for any help!
Well first the important issue. Pain meds. Not a great idea. I would speak with her permission to her doctor and see what other options she has for pain. I had quite a few surgeries. Hysterectomy being one. While it is a difficult recovery I took only Motrin 800. I don't touch pain meds. They make me sick. So as an addict it's not wise.
Second again speak with her doctor. Everyone's recovery is different. Walking three floors up after a surgery like that isn't possible. That I can guarantee you. So the mother in me says this...I would absolutely let her stay with clear rules. It's temporary. End of story. If she refuses to allow you to join her in her doctors visit then I would tell her no. I would want to hear it for myself. If the doctor advises an alternate to pain meds and she refuses you will have an issue. The doctor NEEDS to know she is in recovery and so does hospital staff.
I am unclear. Is this your home? Or your sons? If it is yours then your sons opinion is just that. An opinion. Certainly understandable that he has concerns.
The other alternative is to speak with the sober house and ask if they can change rooms to a first floor even if it is temporary. You can always run some errands for her and check in on her. I'm sure that she has bonded with some in the house who also will be sure she is ok. When my son was in rehab he broke his ankle. I didn't take him home because he had people to help care for him.
Only you know if she is working your emotions. Sit down and be real with yourself and make decisions based on logic and opinions of doctors. But again BE very sure you hear it directly from them. Addicts are very manipulative.
Whatever you decide to do...do it with information at hand.
Wish you and her the best. She's lucky to still have you in her life.
also...when I had my c sections with the kids, and my thyroidectomy...I had no pain meds. In fact, after a tylenol right after the thyroid thing...I didn't even take that.
Ibuprophen, if it is allowed, (it can be blood thinning) works at the site of the injury...and you can take up to 800 mg.
SO
that is one problem perhaps solved...
about staying with you....if her hysterectomy is vaginal...there isn't the same recovery ...and they have you up and walking right away...so perhaps the stay would be very short...a couple of days....and if it really would cause hell at home, what about staying in a hotel for a couple of days?
at least if she can't get up the stairs...that may help the son not get upset
sorry that you are feeling so put in the middle...
I agree with givenup about clear rules...and limits.
do what you feel is right.
And at the end of the day...after all this? Who knows what triggers someone to fall off?
the worst things happening have NOT done it to my son, but for years, when he tried to stop...ANYTHING did. That is why I do believe it is the "insanity of addiction"....