Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group

Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...

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cisl4him 02/21/2012

Alright so for the past two months I have been lashing out at my husband since I found out he had a lover. I have bashed him via text, threw his clothes out and left them in trash bags at his van, ect. ect. He of course was chosing to ignore me and not reply in any negative way when I was lashing out at him, but he also chose not to reply to any of my texts with simple requests that involve the up keep of our home where I reside.

So I got tired of being in agony because I still love him and miss him, don't worry I still have my head screwed on straight and realize he is sneaky.

I did decide to text him " I am praying for you and I forgive you" I didn't even mean it but through it out there. I also followed it up with a text that I meant sort of as a dig but it could have also been seen in a p;ositive light.

Since I text that and remained calm and did not mention his addictions ect, he has been texting wanting to take care of the requests I have and we are cordially respecting each other. My concern is that he is going to see this as my way of reconsiling but it is not. I have not asked him if he is still seeing the other woman and nor do I want to. He has a lot of recovery ahead of him. If he does start to get mushy I am not sure what to say but I plan on saying as gently as I can "I;m sorry Bill, I can forgive you but I cannot go back into a dysfunctional relationship". What do you think? Any thoughts?

Cissy

katrinka 02/21/2012

I think you keep opening yourself up and deep down hope he will change and you will be back together.
Like my therapist says you keep the wound open and don't allow it to heal.

cisl4him 02/21/2012

Possibly...I am not going back with him...I know he is still the same. I am waiting for him to make his move and I will tell him I am not going back. He will either stop being receptive to me or we will learn to be friends with our new lives. I am content today. I hope it lasts.
Thanks for reminders though Katrinka. I need them.

katrinka 02/21/2012

We know that we will not take them back, but we still remember some good times.
I commend you I cannot be friends at this time, too much betrayal.

cisl4him 02/21/2012

Katrinka...I am in no way being friends. I can't wait to see how he tries to manipulate me now that I have said "I forgive you". The girl p;robably caught on to his charm or he realized I was a normal and stable Psycho, lol who treats her mental illness. One thing I know and always have told bill is that your supposed to treat mental illness not selfmedicate it.

deleted_user 02/22/2012

One of the biggest problems of loving a addict, is that we as humans (esp us women) tend to always remember the good times that we had with this person... It is the good times and the times that they made you feel like you were the only person in the world, because lets face it addicts are good at doing that. When those memories of the good times pop up you almost have to force them down and remember that the bad normally out weighs the good in a relationship with a addict and that we deserve better! I hope that things get better and easier for you, when they say time heals all wounds they are not lying, but in that time you have to keep contact to a minum if any at all, or you just rehash those feelings that you try so hard to shove deep down inside of us... I don't want this post to seem harsh or anything because I have been where you are, I was never married but I loved a addict deeply. I pray that things work out for you:)

cisl4him 02/25/2012

elm1190...you not being too harsh and yes I think of way too many good times. That is what is screwing me up. I seriously had no idea what I was dealing with all these years. I cannot believe all the bullshit I have lived with. A friend male friend of his stopped by to see how I was doing. I think he was searching for answers as to my husband's odd behavior when he sold him a flooring job last week. This man said Bill was high and was with the girl he is using with. Anyway, he can't believe how far down Bill has gone. I can't either. Bill made me feel I was his absolute world during the day that is and then he slept on the couch. Can't believe I lived with a wack job. Thank u for your sup;p;ort . I need it so much

katrinka 02/26/2012

You really need to have no contact for awhile. At first it is hard, but as times goes by it gets easier for you and you will start to see things clearer. Let attorney handle contact, that is their job. My daughter works for an attorney and is always having to talk care of all the crap like that. Not your fault he can't afford an attorney. Make sure you have a good one.
Instead of remembering the good, start writing down the bad. Make list of both, I noticed as time went on my list of bad grew longer and list of good grew shorted.

cisl4him 02/26/2012

Katrinka...I canned my first attorney who was so interested in filing Bill's disability to make the real cash. I seriously think he purposely did things to irritate me so I would dismiss him and he could then take on Bills'; disability. This attorney is very good and very affordable. The longest I have gone with no contact with Bill is 3 weeks and it was very good. The only reason I have broken it is to try to work the agreement but your right, I need to let me attorney deal with him. Thanks Katrinka.

katrinka 02/27/2012

It has been 8 weeks or longer since I last heard from ex. I had to tell him a few times I cannot talk with him. He had a hard time believing me and wanted us to stay friends and in contact. It still hurt too much, the betrayal of what he did. I guess he finally excepted it because I have not heard from him. It is so much easier, I find myself thinking of him not as much. I am also able to see him for what he truly is and the b!&@h he is with.
I know its extremely tough in the beginning, but once you get over the hump its so much easier.

katrinka 02/27/2012

I also did all the little things you have been doing, I think as a way to get back at him and her.

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