Setting some boundaries is a good place to start. You cannot stop his drinking, but you do not have to put up with it in your house. Also do not let him skate by free, if he lives with you than he should help out financially and physically. Do not do for the addict what he should be doing for himself!
Learn to not obsess about his problem, there isn't much you can do to stop it, but you can raise his bottom by not enabling him.

The setting the boundary felt awesome. The wife is the one who is the total enabler with him as she lives with him. I just set one with her. She wanted me to go to her house this morning @ 10 and wait for the landlord to fix the leak under the sink, I told her no that was not going to work for me today. I am going to Alanon today @ 10. They need to take care of their own business. I am sure the leak didn't just happen. Thanks for your support.

So proud of you for going to the Alanon meeting. Sounds like you really know what to do. So sad though that your son is relapsing. I know the feeling; my son is in denial concerning his drinking problem. Past out Friday night with his three kids wandering the house. I am just starting with boundaries and my son/wife/family will be leaving Nov 1

Al-Anon is a great place to start. I have been going for about 10 years as my grown daughter is the addict and the one who brought me to the meetings. I have a much better relationship with her currently but I have nieces and nephews in the same boat. Addiction runs rampant in my family and without the Al-Anon meetings, I would certainly be sitting in a corner somewhere pulling my hair out. I hope you go to at least 6 meetings before you decide if it is a place that can help you. You may not hear what you need to hear in the first or second meetings so please try at least 6. Boundaries is a great place to start. It is not easy, but a tremendous tool for your serenity.

I'm new to this page. I have 21 year old Addict currently seeking sobriety.

I found it sadly familiar when you referred to your 31 adult son as a kid. Boundaries are extremely important if he is not asking for help with sobriety. Don't engage him when he begins his deflectIive blame game behavior.

When a conversation turns in a direction you don't want simply say "I'm hanging up now good bye"

I'm about to take on my addict son and his addict gf as they attrmpt sobriety. Chances are it will only last a couple of weeks before One of them screws up and I kick them out.

Be thankful your son doesn't live with you. I'm looking for alanon too as I will need all of the support I can get.

I just wanted to say welcome.
And that we can't change them, only ourselves. We deserve to be healthy and happy. Punishing ourselves doesn't do anything to help them or us.

Welcome. I know they are always our kids, no matter their age, but your son is well grown up with his own family.. Do they have kids? If so, I hope they are being cared for in a stable environment

No they have no kids. Alanon was good and welcoming. I need to process.

Thanks everyone. The Alanon meeting was a positive experience as it was for me 13 years ago. I have some reading to do this afternoon and I need to get over being upset and angry. My son and his codependent wife are not children, they are 31. Right now I can just pray, take care of me and set limits with them. Thank God they don't live with me. His dad died an addict and I am very frightened for him. The wife wants to involve me in their business and I need to stay out of their business. For him its drinking and pills and that is scarey.

I've been raving about this book my pdoc borrowed to me... it's entitled"Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children" by Allison Bottke... I suggested it in a post a while back, but I don't know if when people come here if that would be something they'd look at,

You could go to
SanitySupport.com to learn more. Someone stated that there was an excerpt on you tube about it...

It gives practical, sound guidance on regaining our own SANITY through these trials we face with addicted family members...

SANITY... that's what I'd like... I have 2 sons incarcerated due to drugs, alcohol, and criminal activities... they're both due for release in December...the oldest may come stay with me temporarily after release.. I so want to be prepared to NOT enable. Won't be easy, but it will be well worth it!