Pen,
Who says you have to let go?,, just don't give in,, has as a person breathes,, there is always hope,,, he is not a lost caused,,, perhaps a lost soul,, go see him face to face,, reach out and hug him,, I would not give him money , if he is hungry, bring him food , thirsty bring him water,,

Trust me,, every single day,, I look down the street for my addict, in hopes , today is the day,, she returns,,, every night I pray that she is safe,,,, I'm still holding that light that will guide her in the darkness of this ugly road ,,,, I've slowly cut the strings, but I refuse to end the hope of my lost soul finding her way back home

Wrapping my arms around you, to give you comfort , and strength

Hugs,
Kim

I am so sorry for all you and your family are going through...and his daughter.
He is sick. I think it is like loving someone with a fatal disease. You love them right to the end. We just have different rules about enabling.
I think as long as you aren't handing him money, they idea of facing him one more time is fine...you can't have unreal expectations...but how do you know if it will help?

One person I know went to say goodbye to their addict because they thought they would be dead soon. They said good bye like it was their funeral...and somehow later on (but pretty soon after)...the addict did stop. On the other hand, I have a girl I grew up with whose younger sister has been a heroin addict since college (35-40 years) and lost her husband to aids...and I don't think she has ever stopped. The older sister is back to seeing her now after 25 years away...just because it is what it is and she loves her...
How can there be any right answers? it is torture. It is my biggest worry...what do I do if my son decides to use again....
I think, you just have to love someone and know that they are fatally ill. And not enable. and everything else is up to you, and what feels right.

Pen. I understand your feelings so well. It is so frustrating when it is so simple for us to see what needs to be done to get better and move on to a healthy HAPPY life. As easy as it is for us to see it must be completely opposite for the addict, they must believe that it is of no use to try and quit because the drugs have such a strong hold on them, and their brains just do not function properly anymore. I feel for you and your family I really really do. I really feel sad for the baby too i can't even imagine how two addicts can function enough to take care of a little child. I have no answers other than what Blue and Kim already said maybe it is time for you to see him again and let him know you still love him and always will but it is just too hard on you to watch his self destruction so you need to love him from afar. Stay strong Pen and never give up Hope .i know it is hard but you never know he may someday get clean. just like none of us know what tomorrow holds it is STILL possible that he can change. hugs to you Pen! Dee

Pen, I'm so sorry I truly feel your pain. I try very hard not to go back, because when I think of all the things that we allowed my son to do, all the things we didn't stop, the way he looked it makes me terribly sad, and litterally sick to my stomach that I could have been so stupid. There is a quote that I often say to myself in times of remembering the painful past. " When you forgive, you in no way change the past-but you sure do change the future. ( you change it for you not for him) the journey is still his. You don't ever have to give up if you don't feel like giving up, and you don't have to let go if you don't want to let go. But you do need to remember your life is important and precious and you deserve peace. You have been a wonderful sister, a protective and loving daughter. I don't ever believe anyone is a lost cause, I believe that they are just lost. You hang in there. Hugs to you.

How can I express how I feel, I'm becoming soft again, a kind word, a tap on the shoulder -even it it's "just" online- this kind of support you're so generously offering, they touch my heart, I hear you loud and clear and I can't help but cry, these feelings are just so overwhelming.

People are already asking me about my brother and if he is going to attend the wedding. Since I never talk about him, they sense that something's wrong. So, I was bombarded with questions from two close friends, who don't know about the problem. I had to keep my cool and tell them that we're just going one of those phases brothers and sisters go through sometimes. One of them insisted until he dropped the bomb, ie is he coming to the wedding? My to-be mother in a law is asking my fiance the same question. It hurts, the questioning confuses me, I don't even know why..

There are moments I feel like an abandoned child, although I know I shouldn't talk this way out of respect for the ones that have been abandoned. The hugs you're sending are real to me, thank you so much, I'm thankful to have found you all. I suppose it's one of those days/weeks.

Jolene, if you read this post, I want to take back what I said about putting a stop to the thoughts about your sister. It can't be done. Somehow though, people manage to love from afar. I hope I can achieve that and the same I hope for you..

Pen,,, for me,, it became more exhausting and more difficult keeping my addicts addiction behind closed doors ,,, it became so unhealthy almost has if I didn't talk about it,,, IT,, woukd go away,,, unfortunately we all know,,, how untrue that is,, maybe it would bring you some relief if you did put a title on the reason for his absence ,, quit frankly it looks more suspicious by not addressing the issue ,,I'm just telling you this because I was there,,, for the longest time, it was almost like a denial issue,,, once I spoke of my daughters addiction ,, the process of dealing with it became easier,,, and the insanity started fading away, drug addiction is not just a compound disease ,,, it's everywhere,, and not prejudice,,, it has affected all kinds of people, social status,,,,

And know about those kind of days,,,,, sometimes I can't even take it day by day,,, sometimes it's hour to hour, and that sick feeling never really goes away,,, think I have just gotten use to the feeling,,,

Love ya girl

I agree about this site, there is not a day that goes by that someone from here reaches out to me.,,,

i am so sorry for all the suffering your family is going through. as long as he is alive there is hope. he has to want help though. is there any way you could call the family together and have an intervention where you all tell him how this is effecting all of you...i don't know if it would work but anything is worth a try. how old is your brother? i will pray for him tonight and all week. hugs to you.

Thanks cardinal for writing back and Janilor for the intervention idea and the support. My brother will be 35 years old in 3 months. Too old to kick the habit, some would say. He has never held a real job although his has excellent studies from renouned universities and speaks two foreign languages fluently.. He used to say that he'd rather be a garbage collector rather than work in his field [international finance].

We tried the intervention road in the past but it was a complete failure, most likely- I suppose- because we tried to stage it ourselves as there are not interventionists where we live. I don't know if my parents are up for another one and honestly, it's draining for me to prepare both myself and my parents. The first time was like a battle, just getting through to my parents was a huge task in itself. I felt responsible for that failed attempt..It was a horrible feeling..

there is no such thing as too late! i have seen men who have been alcoholics for 40 years and living under bridges, lost families and evrything....and they have overcome and become sober. nothing is impossible. as long as they are alive there is hope. i will keep praying. 35 is still very young. he has his whole life ahead of him!