Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
Hi,
I am new to Daily Strength and here to seek advice and insight. Forgive my mistakes in English, it's not my mother tongue.
My brother has been a heroin addict since 2004 and substance abuser for more than 10 years. Our family is a typical middle class family with no idea of what substance abuse is. Since we found out we have tried everything but relapse and denial always kept him away from recovery.
Two years ago he met a woman while buying his fix. We opposed the relationship strong and hard as we were finging out bits and bobs about her life: avid heroin user, cut off family ties, never has worked yet finds money to pay the rent and support the habit. No education, no solid support network. She has been a heroin addict for 10 years.
A few months ago she gave birth to a heroin addicted baby as she continued using throughout her pregnancy. Despite the Social Services' efforts the D.A., allowed that the baby stayed with the parents, since the relevant law where we live is pretty flexible and pro-mother.
My brother left in June 2010 and has never come back since. He says he wants to meet up but never shows up. As brother and sister we've went through various phases during the time of the Great Enabling, ie when he was still at home, money, food, shelter, car, private therapists etc. During the first year I was 100% supportive, talked to him a lot, hugged him, encouraged him etc. Gradually, the manipulation and lies hurt me so bad that empathy turned to loathing and anger.
He never asked for help.
Needless to say, my parents are in pieces.
My brother has been calling only to ask for money. He stole a pretty large ammount from the family account, spent it with his g/f in just a couple of months and is now trying to extract money using the baby as an excuse. My parents have realised that they were big time enablers and they won't give him a penny.
They have also realised that it wouldn't be for the baby's best interest to try to take it away from them. It really has to go to foster care... My parents are old and have medical conditions and I am about to get married and start my own family. I have had my share of guilt trips but I can not take responsibility for smb else's actions. Not this kind of responsibility... I am neither strong nor ready. Besides, I have to protect my husband to be. He has been so supportive from day 1.
We were thinking that either the social services or the fact that he's left with no money, would make him ask for help.
Up to date, nothing. Days go by and each day feels like an eternity.
In the mean time, the parents of the g/f are calling us now and again trying to convice us to finance the couple's life, also using the baby as an excuse. The woman's parent's saw their daughter after 13 years on the day she delivered. From what we have learned from the social services, the family looks highly dysfunctional with a the father being an alcoholic and the mother emotionally withdrawn. They are also very poor. There is no way we can communicate with them on a humane level, as they only ask my father for money and nothing else. It's like they don't realise their daughter's state.
From what I can tell my brother has a huge co dependency issue with that woman. On top of that, he is left to take care of the baby most of the time on his own or at least that's what he tells us. But he is not leaving her, nor does he express concerns about the environment the child is being brought up in. On the contrary, last time we spoke, after half a year, he said that parenthood and addiction are compatible notions, that so many people do it and their children turn out fine.
I have tried MY BEST, to make him open up to me, but he doesn't. I came to a point where I realised there is nothing I can do for him but let him figure it out himself. It hurts like crazy but I can't see any other option.
So, i text messaged him that I don't want to communicate with him anymore cause he is breaking my heart and that he is to contact me only for an emergency. I also told him that I'll be waiting for him like I always have.
I need your insight on two things:
1. What do I tell my parents? How do I talk to them? They have lost a their only son and they are entering the deep golden years.... My mom is a very sensitive person, when she found out about my brother in 2004, she suffered a heart attack. My father is a very strong, proud man, the pillar of the family but his health has rapidly deteriorated ever since my brother left. He has suffered 3 strokes.
2. Do I contact my brother, breaking my "promise" for no contact, in order to check up on him and to let him know that we care for him?
I know this is a long post, I hope I didn't tire you. Please, I need advice and insight...
Take care
Pen
I am new to Daily Strength and here to seek advice and insight. Forgive my mistakes in English, it's not my mother tongue.
My brother has been a heroin addict since 2004 and substance abuser for more than 10 years. Our family is a typical middle class family with no idea of what substance abuse is. Since we found out we have tried everything but relapse and denial always kept him away from recovery.
Two years ago he met a woman while buying his fix. We opposed the relationship strong and hard as we were finging out bits and bobs about her life: avid heroin user, cut off family ties, never has worked yet finds money to pay the rent and support the habit. No education, no solid support network. She has been a heroin addict for 10 years.
A few months ago she gave birth to a heroin addicted baby as she continued using throughout her pregnancy. Despite the Social Services' efforts the D.A., allowed that the baby stayed with the parents, since the relevant law where we live is pretty flexible and pro-mother.
My brother left in June 2010 and has never come back since. He says he wants to meet up but never shows up. As brother and sister we've went through various phases during the time of the Great Enabling, ie when he was still at home, money, food, shelter, car, private therapists etc. During the first year I was 100% supportive, talked to him a lot, hugged him, encouraged him etc. Gradually, the manipulation and lies hurt me so bad that empathy turned to loathing and anger.
He never asked for help.
Needless to say, my parents are in pieces.
My brother has been calling only to ask for money. He stole a pretty large ammount from the family account, spent it with his g/f in just a couple of months and is now trying to extract money using the baby as an excuse. My parents have realised that they were big time enablers and they won't give him a penny.
They have also realised that it wouldn't be for the baby's best interest to try to take it away from them. It really has to go to foster care... My parents are old and have medical conditions and I am about to get married and start my own family. I have had my share of guilt trips but I can not take responsibility for smb else's actions. Not this kind of responsibility... I am neither strong nor ready. Besides, I have to protect my husband to be. He has been so supportive from day 1.
We were thinking that either the social services or the fact that he's left with no money, would make him ask for help.
Up to date, nothing. Days go by and each day feels like an eternity.
In the mean time, the parents of the g/f are calling us now and again trying to convice us to finance the couple's life, also using the baby as an excuse. The woman's parent's saw their daughter after 13 years on the day she delivered. From what we have learned from the social services, the family looks highly dysfunctional with a the father being an alcoholic and the mother emotionally withdrawn. They are also very poor. There is no way we can communicate with them on a humane level, as they only ask my father for money and nothing else. It's like they don't realise their daughter's state.
From what I can tell my brother has a huge co dependency issue with that woman. On top of that, he is left to take care of the baby most of the time on his own or at least that's what he tells us. But he is not leaving her, nor does he express concerns about the environment the child is being brought up in. On the contrary, last time we spoke, after half a year, he said that parenthood and addiction are compatible notions, that so many people do it and their children turn out fine.
I have tried MY BEST, to make him open up to me, but he doesn't. I came to a point where I realised there is nothing I can do for him but let him figure it out himself. It hurts like crazy but I can't see any other option.
So, i text messaged him that I don't want to communicate with him anymore cause he is breaking my heart and that he is to contact me only for an emergency. I also told him that I'll be waiting for him like I always have.
I need your insight on two things:
1. What do I tell my parents? How do I talk to them? They have lost a their only son and they are entering the deep golden years.... My mom is a very sensitive person, when she found out about my brother in 2004, she suffered a heart attack. My father is a very strong, proud man, the pillar of the family but his health has rapidly deteriorated ever since my brother left. He has suffered 3 strokes.
2. Do I contact my brother, breaking my "promise" for no contact, in order to check up on him and to let him know that we care for him?
I know this is a long post, I hope I didn't tire you. Please, I need advice and insight...
Take care
Pen
I wish your family all the best.
The most important thing is to look after yourself. I would definitely not contact your brother. That is your guilt talking to you. Al-anon or a good therapist will help you deal with your guilt and other feelings so you can let go of him and his addiction, and focus on you.
Give your parents lots of love and attention, it's great that you are able to have a good relationship with them. My parents are enabling my sister and I can't deal with them at all. Keep in touch and let us know how you are doing. Welcome.
It's sad to say but we have no idea who to turn to in the Social Services. They are all about confedentiality, a true labyrinth. I've been searching for contact numbers but nothing has come out. I've contacted NGOs and other non governamental agencies and they all say the same : go to the D.A. and file a report against my brother but this is smt my parents are not considering, you can understand why... I won't file a charge against my brother in order not to hurt my parents.
In this country, the laws are so pro mother that it only proved physical abuse might get the Social Services to move. The couple has only been payed ONE visit since they took the baby from the hospital, which was early October.
Gosh, this is so hard.
Sometimes I feel that I just have to give up. I've made up my mind and contacting my brother is not smt I will do soon. Not unless he shows any sign of asking for help.
I am in therapy, FINALLY, it's helping but I've got a long way ahead of me until I start living my life for me. In the mean time, I'm trying as hard as I can to be by my parents' side and provide insights.
I can't believe I am actually talking like this, so calmly.. You should have seen me a few months ago.. lol
HoldOnTop, don't give up. Your parents are only human and seeing your child drifting away tears you apart. Keep talking to them but don't fight them. You know what I mean?
Would your brother and the child's mother consider placing the child for adoption? I am an adoptive mother of two and I can tell you there are many people who would be happy to raise the baby, even with the child's history of being born addicted to heroin. This is especially true for an infant, but the child will become harder to place as time goes on.
It's also common for adoptive parents to send letters and pictures to the birth parents to let them know the child is doing well. For our daughter, we even meet in person at least once a year.
If they were to agree to at least talk to an agency, there could be a happy ending for everyone. I fear for what will happen to the child in this situation, and I also fear that you will feel guilt for not preventing it, even though you have very valid reasons for not taking the child yourself.
I haven't even mentioned that option because it is so out of the question for my brother and his g/f. When I found the courage to mention adoption to him, while she was still pregnant he flipped on me. I mean, snapped so hard I instantly went on a guilt trip from hell. I know better now.
In any case, I am pretty sure that one of the reasons they are holding on to the baby, even if that means bleak present and future for it, is that they play the baby card to extract money from my father. I won't get into wondering if they love it or not, because for me love is actions not words..
So good to be able to talk to smb about all this to people who understand what addiction is..
Thank you all!
There are drugs now, not only methadone that has been shown to help heroin addicts quit by helping with the cravings. There are some new ones which are better then methadone which I read in a newer book. The Chemical Carousel: What Science Tells Us About Beating Addiction. Also this book was very good: Why Don't They JUST QUIT?
The hardest thing to do is learn to detach from their drug addiction but still let them know you love them. That your there not to give them money or if their high but you still care. You parents are older but there is no shame in a son or daughter being addicted. It is a disease similar to diabetes from what I read. So do we throw the diabetic person away, I mean they are not suppose to have sugar but they do have the cravings for it. Alot of diabetics came to have that problem becasue of overweight, and their love of sugar. So they also caused their disease, not all but some. Addiction has been shown to be genetic so people are born with this problem no one starts out and thinks "you know I think when I grow up I'll be a addict". its a slow progressing disease faster with drug addicts.
Although it is a disease you still don't have to fall into their manipulations. So do not give money to him if baby needs things send diapers, formular, clothes just don't give them money.
Since you don't mention what country you live in and I guess it is not the USA, because here we can call DHS and they have to go check. I did once do this and they came out early the next week. I hope baby is okay because it is the one who needs the help most of all.
With all of this sometimes we do have to take a breather just to put the focus back on us. In the second book it does mention this and several other ways to help the addict along with yourself.
Usually a country's child protection service is a national or state level agency so it's pretty big. There is usually a free calling number that you can call and speak to a social worker in a call centre who will take down the details. You don't need to give your name or indicate how you have the information. In most countries where there is an agency like this they are legally obligated to investigate every call, even anonymous ones.
You may think that if they visit the family your brother will think you made the call. However social services could and usually would visit of their own accord in this situation. Any number of people aware of the family could call, it would be wrong of him to assume it was you.
I live in Greece and D.A. also stands for District Attorney here. I really don't want to sound pessimistic, but we've tried everything and all we get is "file a report". I guess, sooner or later my parents will see that their no other option if my brother doesn't come to his senses, which is highly unlikely.
As for addiction being a disease, I see where you are coming from Katrinka. However, it's a disease from which addicts don't want to be cured unless THEY decide to. I guess this is true for every disease but diseases make us feel sick. In the case of heroin you do get sick but you got the cure, and what a divine cure indeed, right there, heaven like no other in your arms. One of the cruelest things that my brother has ever said was " I don't want to stop using, it makes me feel good", and believe me he's said some horrible stuff all these years.
He's tried Naltrexone pills twice for 3-5 months and therapy once, for 10 months.
The pills seemed to be working in the beginning [or so we thought], but as soon as my father started drug testing him the truth came out: he was putting the pill under his tongue and of course went on with using.
The second time, they were more careful but in the end you can't force someone to take medicine. Those were very hard times for us cause we thought that by being more careful wed see some good results. Crashed hopes taste like venom.
All in all, for me addiction does exhibit the symptomatology of a disease but it is much more than that on every level, be it social, psychological or existential.
As for my brother, he's hiding behind his finger, as we say here.
Hes giving us every possible excuse and hes proved that he uses the baby as The Big Time excusedad, how can you be so cruel, she is your first grandchild, we need money to buy milk, my g/f is doing great, oh she stopped the methadone programme cause the drug made her feel sick and I am not using that often, but my head aches and my stomach is upside down and I cant sleep, Im depressed, I miss you too, yea OK well meet, can you give me some money? Up to date, he hasn't shown up on any of his promised meetings with our father.
This has been going on for a couple of months now, almost 3.
Last time my father gave him money was in August, a small amount, just 300 euros. Guilt money, I guess. In September, a my brother started liquidating stocks that were in his name but bought with dads money back in the time of the Great Enabling, as an act of trust and faith in his son. Of course he didnt' say anything to our father, breaking a owe of trust "family money is handled by the family not by individual members of the family".
He and his g/f devoured 7.000 euros in a blink of an eye. Once all the stocks were all sold, he started calling our father.
My brother is a clever man as he is and has become even cleverer through his addiction. He is a darn good manipulator and liar which breaks our heart. One of the hardest things in addiction is the loss of trust. Rivers of tears down the drain.
Sorry for going on and on. Im giving all this info because I really, really need to talk to people who understand; and because I know that if I had that information a few years ago, real experiences from real people maybe I would have understood earlier what addiction does and have saved myself A LOT of agony. Reading medical journals is not good enough. Hearing people talk, works better.
Last but not least: relatives of addicts experiment. Thats what Ive learned. We dont know what the right thing to do is. Some say that even accepting a phone call by the estranged addict is enabling. Others say that by keeping contact the addiction might be cured faster. As you mention, it depends on the individual. The problem is that the addict is not the person we raised or grew up with. Well, most of the times.
Ill check these books out Katrinka, thank you for the recommendation.
Thanks again for your time, I truly appreciate it.
Take care all,
Pen
http://www.0-18.gr/adults/what-is-the-ombudsman#department-of-children-s
In case the link doesn't work, it's called the Department of CHildren's Rights and is part of the Greek Ombudsman's office.
I was just re-reading what you wrote in one of your posts above:
"It's sad to say but we have no idea who to turn to in the Social Services. They are all about confedentiality, a true labyrinth. I've been searching for contact numbers but nothing has come out. I've contacted NGOs and other non governamental agencies and they all say the same : go to the D.A. and file a report against my brother but this is smt my parents are not considering, you can understand why... I won't file a charge against my brother in order not to hurt my parents.
"In this country, the laws are so pro mother that it only proved physical abuse might get the Social Services to move. The couple has only been payed ONE visit since they took the baby from the hospital, which was early October. "
I know Greece is still developing its laws and government services, but it has been a member state of the EU for quite some years now. I cannot believe that the system is so pro-mother that clear abuse and neglect would be ignored.
On the other hand, I am not sure that the authorities have had clear enough information so far. Addicts are very manipulative and good at lying and making things seem rosy. It is likely to require some action on the part of you and/or your parents to break through this.
You say you won't report your brother or his girlfriend because you know it will hurt your parents.
What is known for certain is that a baby who is about 6 months old, utterly defenceless and unable to speak for herself, could drown in a bath while parents sleep, could be burnt or cut by accident in the kitchen, could be shaken to the point of brain damage by a tired, angry parent.
Her grandparents are old and sick, it is true. But they are adults and are able to make their own choices and speak for themselves. The thought of either of them suffering ill health and maybe death from stress is horrible, I agree. But there appear to be two choices - either protect them from stress by not reporting the baby, or report the baby and take the risk that they will be affected by the consequences of that action.
Often we are so affected by the pain and trauma of addiction and family problems that it can be hard for us to see a situation as it really is. Baby has one hope, that a protective adult will start the process of a social worker coming to the house and taking her somewhere safe.
I disagree with some of what you say, I did at one time believe like you do but did alot of research and found addiction is alot more to it then just saying NO for some people. From genitics, to the brain not producing enough endorphins on its own it not a simple no until the addict has alot of clean time. Since it is the brain that is not functioning correctly, you can be born with this that makes its a disease. For some it also is a mental and a addiction problem with social all involved.
Your parents do need to learn how not to enable. By them learning how not to enable that in itself will help your brother which could help baby.
Maybe this reading will help them. I know its hard on them, its not easy saying no to someone you love. You want to help your children, you do not want to see them suffer but sometimes the best help you can give them is to let them suffer. http://www.smartrecovery.org/resources/library/For_Family_Volunteers_Professionals/those-who-care.pdf
Hope, THANK you for the research! I've tried the Ombudsman 3 different times already and got the typical reply "file a report stating your name". I hear you about the choices. To be honest, I am very close to making up my mind about reporting my brother. But unless mother, father and I are on the same wavelength, I won't do anything. Too risky for my dad's health.
My choice to currently follow the do nothing approach has to do with the fact that I value my parents' health more than the health of my brother and the baby.
It sounds absolutely terrible, I know, you should have "seen" me during the symmer, while his g/f was still pregnant. Nobody is ready for such decisions. They turn you inside and out, to say the least. You're suddently confronted with the collapse of your value system, I'm talking about a real crisis here... In addition, if I go on with the report, there will be a clash in what's left of this family. But I am talking to them. Every day. In every way.
Katrinka, thanks for reminding me the pathological conditions behind addiction. It's ridiculous actually, me not mentioning them as in our case there's even a pretty obvious example: the baby. I've done a whole lot of research regarding, seen the statistics, read the effects. Hard reading.
Suboxone, from what I've read is addictive, just like methadone alhtough they are two different things. Nalxetrone, isn't. So I've read and so did the doctor who prescribed it told us. To get it, my father had to be registered as an alcoholic in order to save his son's face..
We haven't seen him since early summer... When I told my father a while ago that it's been 6 months since we last saw him, he replied "it might take 6 years until we see him again" and here I am talking about recovery and opiate antagonists... When people make plans, God laughs they say...
Brother called twice since last night. My father answered:
He still asks for money. This time in an aggressive way.
He said his back in full of black spots, which is a sign of liver failure.
Said that if anybody takes the baby away, he will come to the family house and kill all 3 of us.
Said he is going to a monastery to ask for help to get them a job. The monastery thing is his g/f's.
Said that he owes money for just about everything: grocery, electricity, local kiosk, rent etc.
Also said he is going to go to a open rehab centre. [he's said that a million times].
.... He's been spending more than 2.000 euros per month. I don't know if he has any money left from the selling the stocks..
I'm talking with my mother on the phone right now. She's a mess. Gladly, she stopped crying, I gave her the phone number of a local Narcotics Anonymous support group.
Talked with my father earlier, he didn't mention anything.
Tonight I am going home and have a REALLY big talk with both of them.
The child has to be removed.
Wish me luck.