Sorry its a long one....The day before Thanksgiving I wrote a post titled "changes" about all the positive changes that my boyfriend was going through. He had over a month and half off drugs and now its all gone to shit. We had a wonderful Thanksgiving. And then the nightmare unfolded. Somtimes I think about not posting when the bad things happen, because of embarassement, but if anyone understands I know its all of you. So here it goes. I had to work that weekend (as you often do in retail) and when I came home I was rather cranky. He used this as an excuse to start drinking. Then his scumbag friend and his brother came around. Around 4 he snuck around to the bar. I knew where he was but didnt feel like aggravating myself. But then finally around 7:30 I went to go pull him out of the bar. He came home with me. The friends came to the stoop a while later and all sat out there as they continued to drink. His mother was out at her daughters house for the night (he wouldnt dare have friends in the house when mommy is home). They sat drinking in the dining room all night as I was in the other room with the baby. I went out periodically to check on them. Around 2;30 am I heard the unmistakeable tap-tap-tap of him on the countertop and I knew what he was about to do ( he was breaking up a baggie of cocaine) so I rush out and confront him. I see him slip it into his pocket. I ask him straight out do you have drugs on you? He tells me no and swears up and down he doesnt have anything. I go back in. 5mins later I hear the tapping again. This time I peek through a hole in the door where I can see in the dining room. I see him snort the coke. I rush into the dining room so quickly that he still has the powder on his nose. I yell and scream at him and the friends. The friends finally leave in the morning and we argue all morning. I tell him that this has to end and that I cant be with him. Finally later in the day he apologizes and I fall for it as usual. So for the next 4 days he is layed up in bed (with a "backache"- but really is sleeping off his cocaine binge) I'm done with drugs he declares!

This Saturday we are outside with the baby and my 3 yr old decorating the house for xmas and he decides he wants to have a "few beers" I hate this but I know he will flip if I say anything. I take the kids in to put them to sleep and he says he will be on the corner talking to one of our neighbors and having a few. He comes in around 10:30. at 11:45 he says he is taking 2 dollars to go get one more beer. Dont worry babe Im not going anywhere he says, I'll be right back. After 40 mins I go check out front and dont see him. In the morning his mother comes out and tells me he stole $100 from her purse (she says she is going to kick him out but she never does) He comes back all right 11 am yesterday morning. He had gotten into a fight and someone had stabbed him in the leg ( i sent my 3 yr old to her fathers house at this point). He was out with 2 guys and he doesnt want to tell me who. When they stabbed him they said he was dead and that they will be back. He doesnt want to go to the hospital even though he clearly needs stitches. I was so disgusted by his condition, and hes keeps saying how much I dont love him. I felt like stabbing him myself. Then he wants to have sex when he cant even focus his eyes. I cant say no b/c i know he will fly off the handle so I do it and all the while it feels disgusting, like I am being violated. Now I am sure he will be in bed for the next 4 days at least.

I dont know what to do. I have no where to go. I want to sit down maybe at the end of the week and talk to him. But I dont want to threaten to leave when I have nowhere to go. I dont even know how to start the conversation but I know things cant go on like this. I told him last week that I am not going to compete with drugs. I cant deal with this anymore. I am so broken