Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group

Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...

1,905 Members

8,121 Posts

0 Online

christina423 02/08/2016

My life has seemed to be upside down since the day I said I do. I am a nurse so by definition I like to help people and "save everyone". This time I do not think it is me that can do the saving. We have been married for 2 1/2 years but together for almost 5. I had a son going into the marriage that he accepted as his own and just recently adopted. Like most peoples stories my husband is amazing when he is isn't drinking or when I am hindering his possibility of slipping something by me. He has become such a liar that even if he was telling the truth I do not think I could believe him. He is supposedly sober and has been for just over two weeks. Though I do not believe in my heart that it will last longer than another week or so. He just doesn't want to do the work. He thinks after one week of outpatient rehab he is just going to be magically a new man and have all the tools. Lucky or unlucky for him he married an NP I am far from going to buy that shit.

At this point I am thinking of leaving I had given him an ultimatum going into this, I just feel sick to my stomach. I am always on edge waiting for him to fuck up again. Last night he was drinking NA beers and we had a friend over that brought a six pack of Heinken he claimed he accidentally poured one of those beers instead of the NA beer. of course I was the one who noticed before he drank it. But I dont buy it, I think he is full of it. I think he was really trying to drink the regular beer. But he turned it around on me and yelled at me for being "up his ass".

I can not believe it has come to this but I think I have to start planning the separation. I am just sick to my stomach.

blueviolet725 02/08/2016

you know the truth. It is awful. And early in recovery (or anytime for some alcoholics) that fake beer is NO good. it has a small percentage of alcohol.
He can kid everyone but himself..
and the lying? isn't that the worst? if he would just come out and say "I am going to drink" it would be easier for you....
but he strings you along.

my only question is...does he want to stop and needs help like long term rehab, or is he happier being a drunk?

I don't know how immediate your plans are, but set up your own bank account and start building it.
prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

christina423 02/08/2016

It's a heart wrenching feeling, unlike anything I have felt before. I think he wants to stop but I think that he doesn't want to deal with all the skeletons. He doesn't really put the time and effort needed to truly start his journey. He should be going to AA meetings but there is always an excuse. I want to be supportive and I have been but I can only do that, be a support. He has to want it and do it. I have a fairly good savings and I work and make good money. I am not so worried about that, I am more worried about the aftermath. My child who loves his daddy dearly....

blueviolet725 02/08/2016

That is a worry...but raising a child with an active alcoholic is a worry too..
no one can tell you what to do. but use your logical mind, not your guilt ridden heart. You will know when enough is enough.
btw, maybe your leaving will be his hitting bottom and make him work harder on getting sober? no one says you can't ever get back together if things straighten out...and if not? then you are already gone.

christina423 02/08/2016

Thanks for listening!

MysticDay 02/08/2016

All your replies are wise words. And welcome to this site.

So glad to hear you have a great profession and job. Many wanting to leave addiction don't have that. Nothing about this is ever easy! And I hear you about your son loving dad...

We all know it when we see it. No AA meetings? Can he explain why? Many believe 90 meetings in 90 days. I'm guessing there's something that works in those 90 days.

Only you know how much deceit you can tolerate.

Glad you found us, sorry you needed us and let us know. We do care. Good luck!

christina423 02/09/2016

Thanks for the warm welcome. His excuse is that he goes to the day program which is like a long AA meeting. But that is only Monday thru Friday. They even said they want him going to meetings everyday. I know it's a matter of time until he's drinking again. He's not working the program. He's doing what he wants and what he thinks is right. Sigh....

MysticDay 02/09/2016

Christina, do you know if his 'day program' uses the 12 steps? And is he in a group setting all day long, like a rehab? I know that most rehab environments do M-F structured groups and counseling, etc., but like you said, folks are expected to attend AA meetings on the weekends, too. They don't complete 90 meetings in 90 days by skipping weekends!

If you say it's a matter of time until he drinks again, I'm sure you are 100% correct. Seems we can tell when they are marking off the days on a calendar, waiting to drink until their one-week or one-month sentence is over.

I am sorry for your family.

christina423 02/09/2016

Yes they do use the 12 steps at the day program. Only time will tell, I guess....I am trying to take it one day at a time. But also preparing for the worst. My father in law who is a recovering addict of 15 years has been helpful and pretty realistic and straightforward with me. Which is good to hear at least someone in this family is...we talked today about all this. We are planning on a trip to Disney tomorrow that has been in the making for a while. I think he will be ok there, I hope and pray we have a great trip because his addiction has ruined many family trips!!!

Join the Conversation