Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group

Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...

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Gridlea 04/16/2018

I am new to this forum so is a little challenging for me to open up about my situation. I realize that I have been in a state of denial for a long time about my relatonship with my husband. I have been married for almost 34 years. My husband always drank a little, usually only on weekends in the beginning. Over time, it became more frequent as the stresses of life became greater. We had 4 children and he was the sole provider for the family. For years he managed to maintain really well and had great success with businesses that he had started. When he hit his 30's, his mom passed away and that sent him into a state of deep depression and thats really when the heavier drinking started and it never really stopped. I admit I was blind to the degree of his drinking, I had a non functioning father who drank so I couldn't wrap my head around the idea that someone could drink and still carry on with work and all. We went through a lot of ups and downs, I made him get counseling many times over the years but it never stuck for very long. The main issue I am going through now is that about 4 years ago he started binge drinking. He would not drink for a month or so but would get gradually more irritated and hard to be around and then he would just kind of dissappear and go to his shop and drink and then come home wasted and usually would do this for 3 or 4 days. Then he would sober up and admit that he had a problem but after he felt better physically, I would try and talk to him about solutions to his drinking and then he would minimize what he had done. This has become a horrible pattern with worsening consequences. The most frustrasting thing is that he blames me for not being there for him and that he feels all alone. He tells me that I don't live in the real world like he does because I am not employed. Everything is always turned back on me like I am the reason he does what he does. I'm losing faith that we can work things out at this point and have been seriously considering moving out at this point even though it scares the crap out of me. I don't know who I am anymore and feel very sad.

susanlewis 08/08/2018

I feel your pain, I too am married to a high functioning alcoholic and feel like I’m on a constant cycle of verbal abuse. I’m told I have no idea and don’t have a real job or stresses. I work part time and literally do everything at home and for our two children. He pays the bills and therefore has the power, I can’t talk to my family or friends about it, I’m too embarrassed. I feel so lost and unsure what to do...

Gridlea 08/13/2018

I deal with a lot of verbal abuse also always when he is under the influence. It is not frequent but I have learned to be careful how I talk to my husband when he has been drinking so as not to set him off about something. The worst part of it is that he will not remember any of it the next day and he wont understand why I am upset with him and then I have to tell him what he said. We get along pretty good most of the time and this will just happen randomly so is hard to know when he will blow up again. He is not open about his feelings and he has been working on drinking less, usually only later on in the evening. I don't talk to any of my family or friends either anymore, I don't ;like to stress them out and they have trouble understanding my situation. I have 4 grown children who I know have underlying resentment towards their dad but on the surface they get along ok as long as we keep the conversations light. My husband doesn't remember a lot that went on when our kids were young. There was a lot of instability and I know they all suffer from some anxiety and depression from time to time. Is challenging to see them struggle as adults because of what they experienced growing up. I have a lot of guilt over it and I know my husband does too but wont talk about it.
I like using this forum because I feel like the people here can relate so much better and I feel like we can help each other through our connections. I feel for you and your situation, is always hard when the children are young.

susanlewis 08/19/2018

It scares me to hear that your children have been affected from the drinking...my kids are only 2 and 6 but I think I was naive to think I could hide it from them :(
I’m torn whether to stay for financial security or flee? You sound incredibly strong and I wish I was more like you..I find myself so angry sometimes and react when I know it’s futile when his been drinking. It’s such a constant cycle & exhausting.. thank you for replying and sharing your story x

Hopealways 08/24/2018

Hi Gridlea,
As a child of a functio nal alcoholic and one that is fully recovered a year before I was born. My mom was the functional alcoholic and my dad has been recovered 30+ years. There is nothing I want more than my dad to be happy. He has been with my mom a few years more than you and your husband. I still beg him everyday to choose happiness. Happiness is what it means to you. I am also recovered. Your husband will only change when he is ready. I am sorry for the things he says to you. I hope I am helpful. I saw your post and it really hit home. I pray you find your happiness. If it means to leave, you have to do what's best for you. Sending you comfort, care, and hugs.
Many blessings

gingergirl1961 09/04/2018

MOST alcoholics are functioning. All but 3 percent of alcoholics are functioning in society. We think of alcoholics as bums on the street.. but that is a misconception.

U did not cause it. U can not cure it. U can NOT control it.

U cannot be the answer for him. He can only get help HIS way and on his time and his terms. U will not determine that for him.
But U are in control of YOUR choices.

Al Anon saved my life 7 years ago. I come from a family that has an alcoholic as the "center" and I couldn't handle it any more. I thought I was going to lose my mind and I had tried everything.

I go to Al Anon now.

It has NOT changed the alcoholic. He still drinks. It has not done anything to temper HIS behavior. He is still on the same destructive path... But I am NOT.
I take care of myself.

I got a sponsor. I draw boundaries. And I go to meetings.

Best of luck to you.

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