I know where you are because I've been there and probably will be again before it's all said and done. My son (25, heroin addict) has had anxiety issues and was incapable of dealing with the typical ups and downs of life. Everything used to send him over the edge. We advised him to get treatment for depression/bipolar disorder when he was in his teens but he would not hear of it. So he began to self-medicate, with alcohol, weed, Xanax, etc. and eventually ended up using heroin. We sent him to 3 rehabs, 3 halfway houses, counselors. He did the methadone thing. He stole from us, from friends, from God knows who. And he resorted to more serious crime to pay for his habit after we locked up or cleared the house of pawn-able property. He's been in jail for 5 months, and still has several charges pending. I would like to think that he'll abstain once he's out, as his drug habit has brought him such tragic results, but I know better than to put too much hope on resolutions made in jail. I am not looking forward to the day he gets out of jail because of the high probability of relapse. I dread going through the hell we've gone through again.
I know just what you mean about putting life on hold. For so long (4 1/2 years), our lives have been consumed with him, his addiction, his emotional state, his moods, his anger, his welfare, his health, his pain, his choices, his court dates, his everything. He sucked all the joy and contentment out of us.
I must admit that we established boundaries, but we didn't stick to them as we should have (we suspected he was using but hesitated to have him drug tested).
I hope you will set up boundaries and stick to them. It's the only way you'll get to maintain your sanity.
I am so sorry you're where you are right now. Good luck to you and to your son.

Welcome, well been there,,, yep the rollarcoaster ride that keeps going,,, until you ,, yep that's right your in charge of how long of a ride you want to be on,,, at 21 ( adult) you have no control over him,, nor can you fix him,, until your addict decides he has had enough we won't quit,,, until you stop enabling him, why should he,,,boundaries are so important, just to keep sanity ,,, say what you mean, mean what you say,,, empty threats,, is wasted air,,, if you continue to keep trying to fix or do for your addict, quite honestly no different then the dope man selling to our addicts,,, educate yourself on addiction,, addicts can and will manipulate anything and anyone to believe they just can't cope,,, if they can find drugs they regardless if they have a pocket full of money or nothing,,, addicts are fantastic liars,, which they actually believe their lies ,,, continue to love your son,, support sobriety ,, but hate the addict,,, they use in your home, they lost the privilege to stay,,, even though addiction is a disease of ghe mind, body and soul,, the addict does have the choice to use or not,,, until the addiction becomes worse then then the pleasure of the high,, they have no reason to stop,,, you can pick out the finest rehap, but it only will work if the addict wants it,,, kinda of like,,, you can take the horse to water,, but you can't make the horse drink the water
Never give up hope,,, just stop giving in,,, if your unsure about setting boundaries I would be more then happy to walk you through it,,, make a contract,, and have your addict sign it,,, this way there is no hidden messages,,, keep conversation to 15 words,, everything thing after that is repeated and ignored ,,, an addict does not need to be constantly reminded of their addiction,,, they know,,, and arguing just leads to your unhealthy life,,, you will here more then once, about their funeral,,, it came to the point,, I just agreed with what she wanted at her funeral,,, they try to make us feel guilty

Always love your son,, addicts need to feel they belong , or worthy ,,, just refuse to give in to them,,, tough love does not mean stop loving, it means you love them so much,, that you refuse to stand by and feed into their addiction ,,,,

I've been in your shoes,,, daughter 23 herion addict,,, for first time 9 weeks ago I stuck by boundaries,,, it was the most difficult, heartbreaking thing I ever did in my life,,, she was out on the streets ,, but she had to feel the pain ,,, I kept cuddling her before , she was in 3 rehaps, 3 half way houses, spendt 6months in jail ,,, until I stood up to the devil,,, today,,, she is 60 days not using, has a job( amazing because when she lived with me, could never find one), she has a place to live, may not be what she is use to,,, but it's what she did on her own ,,,, we may not be where I want to be,, but better then we were,,,
Surrender him to your higher power , mine is God,,, there was nothing more I could do for her,,, but love her,, and never give up hope,,, I will continue to keep the light burning, I know for today she is not using,, I have no idea what tomorriw brings,,, I do know,, I will never let my addicts addiction consume me to insanity ever again,,,
My arms will always be open wide at the finish line,,,

We can not give you the answers, however each and everyone one of us will stand encircle you with our strength of hope

Peace sister

I have an 18 yr old drug addict son who's put my family through basically the same Hell as Beantown's, including refusing rehab, broken promises, the stealing, lying and ripping our lives apart for 5-6 years. The fruits of his efforts: he got kicked out of school, wasted $$ on treatment he ignored, a 4" court file and medical records that are so voluminous I keep them in a copy paper box. Needless-to-say, he almost broke our family apart enotionally, physically & financially and had it not been for the wonderful souls on this site I'd be a wreck!!!

The greatest pieces of advice given were (1) lookout for and protect yourself; (2) set rules; and (3) establish boundaries. For us we did all of the above plus set extremely firm boundaries following his last arrest - you see he is now a convicted felon and while in jail we gave him our advice on where and how he needs to get help but sadly when he got out - nothing happened.

For addicts, they only care about themselves and until they are truly willing to change, nothing we ever do or say will make that happen. The result is we end up getting beat-down & trampled on emotionally. So for me and my family, we decided we have a life to live and until he proves to us beyond a shadow of a doubt, which could take up to a year's time after he commits, we keep our distance from him. Because for us the bottom line is that he's got to be the one willing to climb his ass out of the self-made pit he created. Take care and Godspeed!!!

You are all angels from somewhere and such incredible individuals to have survived this war you have all been through and continue to live through.
I am so appreciative of your words and support. Such great advice from you all. I will read your posts over many more times while I struggle to navigate my way around the landmines and struggle with all of the emotions in this very scarey, foreign place that I am in. It really helps to hear your stories and your strength. You are all real hero's to endure what you have and to keep going strong.
I will really try to follow all your advice.
Thank you!
I am so glad to have found this site and all of you.

Welcome lamrock, we all totally get where you are coming from.. Living with addicted kids is a living hell! (Mine, my son 21, 3felonies) you will find your "new best friends" here.. Vent away... No judgement here, only ears and hearts that will listen and share your burdens..

Hi Lamrock Welcome! Yes I have an addict son too 19yrs old. I came to this site back in February out of such desperation. I was an absolute emotional mess! I had just found out my son was a drug addict in January and my world was shattered! My son has a very similar story weed drinking pills then heroin(. I hate that word) anyway most of my son's problems from the drugs were medical not legal so I have been spared that route( so far ) but believe me we have been through the mill with his medical problems from seizures psychosis that led to a stay in the psych ward to me finding him nearly dead in his room from an overdose. Thank God every day for making me find him in time. Now after coming here and learning from my wonderful caring WISE friends on here, I am a MUCH stronger and wiser person. I have learned how to cope and the best ways to help him help himself. I know so much more than I did when I arrived and I can never repay the people who have helped me live through this nightmare . It is not an easy road and some days are better than others but at the end of the day I know that i have loved my son but not the addict and have not enabled him knowingly or unknowingly Knowledge is a wonderful thing . Right now my son is doing well and I pray that continues but as with any addiction it truly is taking things one day at a time. I agree with everyone on the boundaries it really is hard to follow sometimes but it is really a must.I wish you well and am glad you found us we are always here for you! Dee

i I am with you also, cardinal said it the best. Actually I need to hear that again. My thoughts and prayers are with you....you are not alone.