Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
While my alcoholic husband is in the clinic detoxing, and getting prepared for Round 3 of Rehab I've been doing some thinking about what the best solution for fixing my life.
Just so you know, I live in a socialist country. National health care is picking up the cost of detox, and social security is picking up the tab for his contingent 15 week rehab stint. Sounds like "no worries" right?
But I'm required by law to support him financially - even if I divorce him.
I don't really feel codependent. For the longest time I've just ignored my husband's destructive behavior as best I could. Strangely I dont feel lost without him. Ive been functioning fine without him. I went off to my job about 120 miles away and had a normal working life. He has not been the center of my universe not for years. Hes more like the moon, that planetoid that gets full once a month and suddenly his problem is automatically my problem.
And I dont really want it to be my problem, but Im finding that system is continuing to force me to uphold codependency.
Its me that has to clean up his messes.
Not because Im taking care of him but because I want to live in clean house.
Its me who has to drive him to the counseling appointments and the hospital.
Not because I want to take care of him, but because the insurance company will send me the bill for the taxi cab if I dont drive him.
Its me that has to stay with him for hours while hes in delirium waiting to be admitted to the hospital.
Not because Im worried about him and anxious, but because there is not enough personnel in the hospital to babysit a drunk in delirium.
Its me that has to call the paramedics when he passes out.
Not because I really care what he does to himself anymore but because if I fail to render assistance to a person who puts themselves in danger, the state prosecutor will put me jail especially if he dies.
Its me that has to pay off the mortgage.
Not because I want to save his house for him, but because I dont want to become homeless.
People at Alanon have not been really helpful, because they say all of those things are signs of my codependency and that I need to break my addiction to the addict.
Really?
Okay moving away from the addict How do you find an apartment in a country in which 5,000 immigrants are entering the country every day and living in tents because there are no apartments to be had? Alanon says Im making excuses to hang on to my addiction to the addict. There is no place to live unless I live in a tent.
I think I have to ditch Alanon, because they apparently keep talking about my addiction to my addict when there is nothing I want more than to escape. While at the same time they are telling me that I have to support his recovery. How crazy is that? Tell me I suffer from a helper complex, but then tell me I have to help him.
And even if I do sever all ties to him, I still have to pay off the mortgage dont get to live in or keep the house, and have to pay him alimony. Oh, and it takes 18 months to get a divorce in this country. But even if I do get a divorce I lose.
I dont feel codependent. But I get the feeling that the system is forcing me to be codependent.
Just so you know, I live in a socialist country. National health care is picking up the cost of detox, and social security is picking up the tab for his contingent 15 week rehab stint. Sounds like "no worries" right?
But I'm required by law to support him financially - even if I divorce him.
I don't really feel codependent. For the longest time I've just ignored my husband's destructive behavior as best I could. Strangely I dont feel lost without him. Ive been functioning fine without him. I went off to my job about 120 miles away and had a normal working life. He has not been the center of my universe not for years. Hes more like the moon, that planetoid that gets full once a month and suddenly his problem is automatically my problem.
And I dont really want it to be my problem, but Im finding that system is continuing to force me to uphold codependency.
Its me that has to clean up his messes.
Not because Im taking care of him but because I want to live in clean house.
Its me who has to drive him to the counseling appointments and the hospital.
Not because I want to take care of him, but because the insurance company will send me the bill for the taxi cab if I dont drive him.
Its me that has to stay with him for hours while hes in delirium waiting to be admitted to the hospital.
Not because Im worried about him and anxious, but because there is not enough personnel in the hospital to babysit a drunk in delirium.
Its me that has to call the paramedics when he passes out.
Not because I really care what he does to himself anymore but because if I fail to render assistance to a person who puts themselves in danger, the state prosecutor will put me jail especially if he dies.
Its me that has to pay off the mortgage.
Not because I want to save his house for him, but because I dont want to become homeless.
People at Alanon have not been really helpful, because they say all of those things are signs of my codependency and that I need to break my addiction to the addict.
Really?
Okay moving away from the addict How do you find an apartment in a country in which 5,000 immigrants are entering the country every day and living in tents because there are no apartments to be had? Alanon says Im making excuses to hang on to my addiction to the addict. There is no place to live unless I live in a tent.
I think I have to ditch Alanon, because they apparently keep talking about my addiction to my addict when there is nothing I want more than to escape. While at the same time they are telling me that I have to support his recovery. How crazy is that? Tell me I suffer from a helper complex, but then tell me I have to help him.
And even if I do sever all ties to him, I still have to pay off the mortgage dont get to live in or keep the house, and have to pay him alimony. Oh, and it takes 18 months to get a divorce in this country. But even if I do get a divorce I lose.
I dont feel codependent. But I get the feeling that the system is forcing me to be codependent.
A travelers visa and never look back. That doesn't sound like a country I would want to be in. Sorry.
As for alanon and naranon I don't find it works much for
Me. I find private counseling is definitely much better because it helps me resolve things with someone with a different perspective.
This doesn't sound much like a marriage. Sound more
Like being help hostage and no way out. I
Can almost see a similarity on the hold our kids have on us until they reach a certain age.
I wish I had some advice for you. I don't. Your explanation doesn't
Sound codependent to me. Is there a way to seek legal counsel and find out if there are alternatives?
Like you I am detached..and I am plotting my escape. I no longer want to live with an alcoholic and look forward to the day I am on my own. I no longer love him or want to stay in the relationship. I let this relationship die a natural death and I knew that some day I would come to this place.
I am done with the lies, the chaos and the abuse. This is not what I want to do for the rest of my life.
It doesn't sound like you have figured out any options, sounds like you have found away to be in this relationship physically (living in the same house), though you're emotionally gone.
At least you will have a reprieve while he is in Rehab and it's a good opportunity to see if there is anything you can do to make a change.
Whatever you can do, it won't be easy, but living with this crap is harder than anything else you have already gone thru.
I hope you find the peace and life you deserve.
But unlike dementia or alzheimers there is no medical treatment. And the problem in Germany is more serious here than in the US. Whereas 12% of the US population has had (or has) alcohol problems, 20% of the German population has had (or has) alcohol problems.
And treating the alcoholics like they're innocent victims of disease only seems to be "locking" them into resignation that they are "powerless" to combat their addiction. Hence the endless cycle of drinking, binging, detoxing, rehab - wash, rinse, repeat.
So far, my plan is such:
The mortgage will be paid in full in October. I have negotiated with my alcoholic husband to become co-owner of the house. The house is a 2 family home, and the other family may leave the house soon. I that case I will live in one half - he in the other.
I have heard of recent court cases in which alimony can be denied to a marriage partner in the case of chronic alcholism or drug abuse. Apparently the courts are beginning to view this a "willful sabotage" of a marriage or a homosexual partner union, and alimony can be suspended until they rehab on their own. This seems to work best if the alcholic marriage partner willingly agrees to sign an agreement to take immediate action if they "slip" or else they will wilfully forfeit any claims to the sober spouse's income and insurance coverage. Apparently this also will work in pinch in being granted a "hardship" divorce, which allows for immediate divorce (usually only granted to physical abuse victims)
It would be nice if I could forgoe all of this - but at the moment - he's in detox, and he's already telling me that I will never have co-ownership of the house if I don't smuggle him cigarettes into detox.
So... looks like no house after all... but if I suspend mortgage payments ... well then the bank gets the house.
:)
Without knowing German law, it's hard to know what your rights are and to give you advice. Have you talked to an attorney?
About the house, if you're married and you've been making the payments, it's possible that he could have to pay you for part of the house's value in a divorce settlement. Then perhaps you can use that as a downpayment on a house of your own, where you won't be living next door to him.
I think it's great if you can be co-owner, to preserve your rights. It's also good that you would be moving to a separate place, even if it's part of the same house. My only concern is that you will still be tied to him because you are co-owners. That will mean that you could be stuck doing all of the building maintenance and repairs and you'll be concerned about the cleanliness level on his side of the building. It also keeps you close by where you will be pulled into his issues, such as calling the paramedics if you find him passed out. That keeps you connected to him, when it seems that your goal is to separate.
It seems like divorce is what you want and probably need. Talk to an attorney and see if you can come up with a strategy to eliminate the legal obligations and protect your financial interests. Once you have a plan, only do what you are legally obligated to do and start saving money. Keep a watch out for opportunities to move. They may be few and far between, but you'll be able to take advantage of them if you have a plan and some money saved. Perhaps there are women that need roommates.
When you say, " Some of these things make sense in theory, but don't work in practice", that couldn't be more true with Alanon - I am finding. Because most of their "support" seems to be giving people spiritual goals and often seems to leave reality on the roadside. Things like "When he's actively drinking, you need to go to a shelter", but the shelter is full and has a month-long waiting list. Or "You need to rally his family against him to make the right choice", and his family is either deceased or doesn't want to get involved no matter what.
It's like their organisation seems to go from the standpoint of the "1950's close-knit Protestant church community"; and it's 60 years later and such tenents no longer apply.
You're right about the house. I have made no final decisions, because a lot of my money has been tied up into it. Yes, the maintenance, etc. and still living next to him in close proximity is a problem, unless he goes out and finds himself a new helper.
But selling the house is a bigger problem because he won't sell it unless the court would order it. And then there are some economy problems, such as it's not near enough to a large city to be that attractive.
At this point I'm being advise by my attorney that I should wait until he's out of rehab, because in that case I can have the upper hand. After he finishes rehab, then he's no longer the "underdog" who is protected by the law anymore.