welcome! come here often

Welcome.
If you think you are enabling, you probably are. Now that you know and you and your husband are on the same page....you at least know what to do or not do. or are willing to learn.

you do need support.
and your son's girlfriend needs to learn what to do. Taking his kid's toys to pawn? not good.
SO
the most important thing is to take care of the grandson and his recovery...and if he gets any pain meds, you can count on them being stolen...and probably the toy again....and at that time, you can report it stolen and make a police report...something to think about.
But.
#1. take care of the kid #2, take care of yourself and hubby and #3. encourage girlfriend to do the same.
don't set boundaries or limits if you will not follow through...otherwise it teaches them to continue to walk all over you.

and I think there is a list of books here somewhere...like the addicted child....that will help as well.
you know how there are alanon meetings? there are ones for narcotics too. or just go to alanon.
Keep coming back, read old posts, learn all you can and know you are not alone.

We tried to press charges when he pawned the WII out of our house. The magistrate talked us out of it. His girlfriend tried to press charges a month ago when he hocked their TV and she was told because it was in his house, it was considered his property even though she bought and paid for it. They were a couple. So we are running into this brick wall with law, but we have resolved not to allow him back into our house as long as he is not willing to get treatment. A week ago, he was going to the methadone clinic and doing well. He had a plan to do the methadone, then ceboxine, not sure of the spelling, and then he was going to go to TROSA which is a two year treatment program I believe in Durham. This program has a very high success rate and he knows people who have graduated and others who are still in it that are really doing well. He told me I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. And then this happens. I love him so much but I cannot allow him to destroy us. I pray that God will send someone or allow a set of circumstances to make him feel his need for Him. I realize I cannot do it. Thank you for the helpful reply. His girlfriend does have a deep weak spot for him as I did for his father. I see history repeating itself and it scares me to death. But I will not stop having faith, and I will not give up on him.

wow. where I was, they pushed in the opposite direction. they didn't let an addict slide with anything.

I hope he can get in and stay in a program like that....sounds great.
Suboxone I think is the name.
my kid was a drunk, so I don't know all the technical stuff in drugs as much as some.

sounds like you see things very clearly. that is so important.

I went to see my grandson yesterday and my son was there. We had a little chat outside and he says he is going into treatment this week so we will see. I prayed before I got there for God to allow me to be positive and not bring anyone down. I have also looked into what my insurance covers for mental health for myself and which therapists are in network. I feel I need something like that. This support group is helping too. My daughter will be proud of me. She just about insisted that I do this. Thank God for level headed children.

I have two addicted to heroin. My oldest is 35. He "borrowed" my tablet and sold it for drugs. Got into detox and wanted to borrow my tv. When I told him no he stormed out on Thanksgiving and haven't heard from him since. He owes me $560 as well. That's a long story. In any case if he was clean and in recovery he would be calling. The fact I finally said no after 35 years was enough to show me how little he cared about having a relationship with me. Took the money and ran. He knows if he contacts me he would have to pay me back. The drugs control them and make them feel entitled.

I'm hurt and I'm worried about him but at this point it's save him or save me. I chose me.

My son has not gone into treatment. He has stepped out a little further than I have seen in the past. He is not staying at his house with his child and girlfriend. We don't know where he is staying. He drops by there occasionally to eat or he calls and talks to his son. He has not spoken to me since New Year's day. His phone is cut off so I can't call him. I woke up this morning praying and crying, got up and started reading my Bible. It made me feel a lot better. That is my anchor no matter what. I know I cannot change what he does or does not do, but I can help myself my staying connected to what has helped me in the past. And that is God.

Hi Dontstop -
This sounds so painful for you. I really have no practical advice - the situation is always so hard when a child is involved. But I do have a thought that may be helpful in the long run. You are so emotionally involved with your son! His presence upsets you and his absence is equally distressing. Why? You are a loving, caring person. But... you will need to find some peace of mind that has nothing to do with his behavior. I think addicts can get hooked on our big reactions. Our anger and fear when they are near us seems to make them dig in deeper to their addicted thinking and they lash out at us just for caring. Our worry and desperation for contact when they are insensitively (or maybe purposefully) leaving us with no clue if they are alive seems to affirm that WE are overreacting - even if they have given us a million reasons to worry, they think WE are the ones with the problem. If there is any way to start detaching and not feed this cycle, it really could help. At least it would help you! The hardest lesson for me - and I am only starting to learn it - is that the only life I can save is my own. When someone is willing to risk his life for drugs, I can't control that. I want to! But I can't. What I can control, little by little with practice and time - is my own reaction to it.
Anyway - I will be thinking of you and I am so glad that your grandchild has a caring presence in his life. God bless you for that!

Thank you so much for your kind reply. You are right. I am so emotionally attached to all of this it is hard to function normally at times. I don't want to turn my back on him as I feel I did with his father. I blamed myself for years for that after he died. It still haunts me at times, even though I know I was not the reason he overdosed but I felt I was not compassionate enough and I don't want to make that mistake again. At the same time, I do not want to enable him nor do I want to add to the stress in his life. It is a delicate balance. I just want to do the good that I can do and hope it helps. He has started a methadone program. This last episode shocked even him and he realizes if he doesn't go into treatment, it will only get worse. I am praying he sticks with it. His plan is to wean off the heroin with the methadone and then go into a two year treatment program with TROSA. I am praying he sticks with the plan. Again, thank you for your kind words of support.

plan for the worst and hope for the best.
What will you do if he does go through with it (for his family etc) and what boundaries will you set if he does not follow through?
those boundaries, spoken about, will show him you are guiding him to a good result.
Yes, I there is always hope. He took from his own child. maybe this is his bottom.

If he goes through with this, I will be there for my grandson and his mom. I love them both and they know it. I live in the same town so it won't be hard to go get him if she needs a break or if he wants to come hang out. I have not thought about what I would do if he does not go through with this. I guess I don't want to get ahead of myself. I have been filled with anxiety and try to stay on a positive note if I possibly can. He alone can do this. All I can do is love him and his family and do the good that I can do without being a crutch.

I have had a lot going on. My son did Methadone for about 3 weeks and then went to a detox center so that he could be accepted into TROSA, a two year residential program. They do not allow you in the program if you are still going thru detox. So he got his certificate of completion today, and his counselor called TROSA and they would not accept him because he has traffic tickets pending. We found out he can bring the certificate to the courthouse tomorrow, TROSA will fax a letter of acceptance to the courthouse, and they possibly will waive the tickets. We know someone who has done this so we will see tomorrow how things go.

My son left for TROSA yesterday. I can't believe it actually happened. He was so excited when we got the news that he was accepted. He cannot have any contact with anyone for the first three months which will be difficult but time flies when you stay busy and that is one thing they do. I wish him all the luck in the world.

Don't...
Praying this is the answer you need. Never heard of Trosa. Maybe you can share what that is.

Sending support and prayers

I am going to start a new discussion with TROSA as the topic so others that may not be in this thread can learn about it. Thanks for your good wishes.