It has been a year since my son went into a 30 day rehab. We have seen ups and downs, but mainly commented on how far he has come. Early days out of bed to head to his job which sometimes means leaving before 5am and commuting up to 2 hours. Attending meetings after long work days. Perhaps not really working his program as he should, but so amazing how far he has come. There have been slip ups, but usually followed by getting back on track.

Now he is on a at least a two week layoff and on the way to a meeting he gets a call from his girlfriend who just found out her mom took her own life. She is only 20 and they have been together for almost 4 years. Yesterday he stole meds from my sisters house and I think we are lucky that he didn't OD from what he took. Her mom shared a lot of the same problems as he does and he was pretty close to her and takes these type of things so bad.

I spend my life trying to help keep him on the right path and seeing all the progress he makes, just to fall back is so painful. I know that it all has to come from him, but he has such bad coping skills that he keeps falling back on and when life hands you such crap it would be hard for anyone to cope.

I find my life is so connected to worrying about him. I don't like to make plans ahead for anything and I don't plan vacations. All because I don't know where he will be at. I am divorced and unfortunately his dad isn't much support to him or me. I am fortunate to have someone in my life that can at times be a help, but struggles as we all do to understand this disease.

I am now trying to just not sit here frozen. His girlfriend needs support. I feel that I need to be here for both of them and am so tired of trying to juggle work and balancing my son. They live in a tiny apartment attached to my house. We are all very close. I know that he is the only one that can direct his destiny, but seeing the emotional issues that are surrounding him, I know I need to bring in the cavalry. Push him to make extra appt's with his therapist, get him to meetings, get him to talk to someone in AA or NA(which he is terrible about reaching out to). Explore whether he needs to be back in rehab or at least an outpatient type program and then help him figure out how to balance all that and work because without work he falls apart.

I try to reach out to my higher power, and pray to God for strength, but I can't understand why the constant tests keep being thrown his way. I know the tests are there to help find answers, but when do they ever stop. I used to love roller coasters, but this ride this disease has taken us all on has made me constantly motion sick.

Thanks for letting me vent. It has been a long while since I have visited you all here.