So, since this whole thing started and I found out about our sons' heroin use and all the bull crap....I have been harboring this ANGER, this awful, insane anger.

When he is home, the awful things I think about him are overwhelming....consuming me. The negativity is mind numbing.

I finally took a step back yesterday, as I drove my son to the train station for work, I was dog tired, slept great but woke up feeling like I hadn't slept in days. When he is around I usually can't WAIT to get him to the train and get him out of my car and out of my hair. I think how much like his 'father' he is and how disgusted it makes me feel that all my work raising him has been wasted.

But as I looked at him, filling out now, gaining weight, working hard, working out, has a gf he really loves, who is patient, understanding but puts her foot down when needed and how happy she makes him. How proud he was that he got promoted to line cook in just 3 weeks, I know it doesn't sound huge for a 22 year old to brag about, but when I looked in his eyes, I realized he was hoping I would be proud too. I had to smile at him as I caught a glimpse of that little boy, those eyes, and realized that I was proud, yeah he doesn't have his license, sometimes he can't focus on simple things, he has HUGE ideas of a business he wants to start (which in my honest opinion is a WINNER if he plays it right), but for a moment I saw that he just wanted ME to be happy, as happy as he is right now. And I smiled and told him how proud I was that he is working hard and enjoying the work.

I ride his ass like Zorro, not in a good way I find. I nag, I bring up everything negative instead of going back to finding the positive and focusing on that.

I realized for a moment that I was NOT helping him in any way, I was TRYING to push him away, and every time I open my mouth, I realized the things that came out where stressing HIM out even more.

No praise, just pointing out the bad things......

I never realized how I am holding onto that anger of all the pain, that I haven't released yet and how when he was around I felt sick, I wanted to sleep through it all.

BUT it isn't HIM at all! It is ME! It is me not letting the PAST go. He even said, he is beating himself up over the past, and I told him to let the past GO, there is NOTHING he can do about it now, but move forward in a positive way....ya know what his response was?
'I'll only be able to let the past go, when you allow me to. Mom, you bring it up all the time, and it forces me to feel badly about the past and keep living it. I JUST want to LET IT GO, but I can't until YOU DO as well."....from the mouth of babes! There he was, that little boy again, looking for my support, my help, my guidance, my positivity that everything will be alright. And I was NOT giving him that.

So I write this, breathing it all into a bubble, a HUGE bubble. And letting it float away.

Now moving forward, I will be more positive. I will not bring up the past, I will not compare the past to now, I will not look at him and envision the 'druggie', but the young man. I will drop the suspicion, but not my guard. I can't promise I will stop 'snooping' around the house, that will NEVER stop, but I can promise to be enlightening, to praise when it is called for instead of looking for the 'negative side' to point out.

I realize it goes both ways in recovery. I have to forgive the past to live in the present and move forward to the future.