Sometimes it takes baby steps. My counselor told me if you have to make a list and cross things off so you feel you've done something that will help. Even if the first thing on the list is get up.
I understand what your going thought my AH is also a crack addict binger. It takes whole of their life and we are in the cycle with them. Like you I am separated.
I find some days are better then others and some days I have to make myself do things. But I do because I know I can't control my AH only myself. Life is short and its passing us by.

I hope you are attending Alanon. You will get a lot of information and support on how to move forward and detach. Also please see a therapist. Depression is likely a result of the drama and trauma you have suffered with your relationship. Good Luck, hugs and stay safe.

Thank you both for your replies. I know in my mind what I have to do but physically getting myself there is soo hard. I have been attending alanon and have thought about a codependency meeting too. I have gone on antidepressents before and usually end up taking myself off after a period of time. I know I probably shouldn't but after awhile you feel like a fool going to the doctors to say well hey I think I need them again. I just want my mind and heart to work together instead of all these mixed feelings. I want to feel like I can live for me and not worry about him. Your very right katrinka that we end up cycling with them the hardest thing too about me and my ex is he would cycle right around the time I was to have my menustrul cycle, and im usually deep in emotions during that time. Its almost like we feed off of each others emotions. His cycle is so accurate just like a womans period that we usually know when he is going through it and we usually get through it for about 3 months and then it hits big. I want to move forward and stop the merry go round but feel like if I'm alone why do anything around the house its just me? Yet for 15 years when I was with my previous ex I was a perfectionist and a clean freak and had tuns of energy and just kept going and going and now its all gone and I feel like I can't find it again, maybe I never will? I sit here in this suite I recenlty rented nothing gets unpacked or organized. When I brought him here for a few days he did do alot of maintenence and painting to try and help me but I feel hopeless. Even showering and changing clothes is not in me lately, to busy sitting by the phone waiting for his call lost in thoughts thinkig away, feeling like Im gettting nowhere. I am really beginning to hate this routine. Not working right now either as I hurt my shoulder couple weeks back should be back to work soon ad am hoping that will help a little with routine. Feel soo last?

A resource I found that is even more helpful to me than Alanon is Celebrate Recovery. It is a program out of Saddle Back Church in California. Rick Warren who wrote, "The Purpose Filled Life" is the pastor there. This program helps you walk through the steps, with guidance and helpful large groups and small groups. i could never figure it out in Alanon, but this is helping me to make progress and actually make some changes. Check it out....might be something you would enjoy and benefit from.

You are always told you have to let them hit rock bottom before they will change, but I read a book that said if you do let them hit rock bottom, you will be going down right with them, so being there for them, helping them, is also helping your own life. We know that we don't give up on them, throw them out the door, and not let them back in, so we are dragged into their drama, and it sucks. Yet there don't seem anyone that really can help. They say they have to help themselves, but when they are addicted to something, they see nothing wrong with the way they are.

You have taken the first step by realizing you are depressed. You can't fight this by shear will. And as you have said, you always take yourself off of them. So go to your doctor and get back on an antidepressent so it can give your self back to you. Then...fine...when you can manage you can take yourself of again. I always recommend a book called Co-Dependant No More. It was an eye opener for me. It is so hard when you love someone. Your stuck thinking if you can just love them enough they will see you hurting and want help. You just want to feel alive again. This is about you. It is time to get selfish and get better. What about all the other frogs out their waiting to be kissed. Your prince just might be waiting. Don't waste time wishing. Start taking time to do. Get dressed and call your doctor. Big hugs!

thank you bremcac, i know i am depressed just wishing i could get through it without a pill? my thoughts go back and forth about the trip to the doctor part ofme knows i should. I have read the book co dependent no more and did find it usefull. I had to return it to the library and i wish I didn't as it would have been a good book to keep around as a reference. I finally showered today after 3 days uuugh! Got my hair cut and me and my daughters went bra and panty shopping. Thought it wouldbe distracting and it was but he still sits there in the back ofmymind. I try not to call him but its had and when he doesn't answer I hit panic mode that he is out there using. This morning he had an appointment and when i called to see how it went he said he was still there? It was 2 hrs after the appointment, so i don't really believe him. The sound of his voice kinda indicated to me he might be using? I hate these feelings of feeling like i need him why would i want that I don't get it. Every one always says it takes time but when your waiting for that time it is so hard. Still unmotivated even though i am feeling a little better. The hole in my chest is heavy and I hate it. Tired of crying just want to pull myself out of this. How do I let him not consume my mind and think about me. Why do I sit and wait for his call? I feel alone as I am not working and everybody is and I just want to get back to work and get busy taking care of my home and me. Focus on my kids and not be soo consumed. My oldest daughter who is 19 thinks im a nut case i think. I don't think she understands how it feels to be this low. Wanting and waiting fr time to go by so he and I can both be healthy and betogether. But in reality that may never happen. And just sitting here day after day isnot getting me healthy thats for sure. Hate these feelings, they say when people are depressed they will sleep alot but I barely sleep at all cause my mind don't stop. Wish i could just curl up and go to sleep.....

I know how you feel, I am going through the same thing, and I'm trying to pack to move. All I keep thinking is "How did I get here?" I'm sick of tired of being sick and tired. And I am broke except for my unemployment check.
God doesn't give us anything we can't handle. Try to learn from your mistakes and let God take care of the rest. Keep getting support from your group, know that as my sister in crisis, I love you and feel for you. You can get back to your old self again and the trees and grass will look green again. I'm not there yet, but I know it will happen if I stay away from the addict, and all addicts.

Paula your post brought tears to my eyes. ZI had to move myself and then stupid me let him know where I am. I couldn't let him stay though cause I was in fear of waking up and my car would be gone. yet part of me wants him here for me? I have done no unpacking or settling in the new place just fell into a lonely depression. Want nothing more than to be free of this yet I want him in my life? I'm glad he is somewhere else and the people he is with have no idea, but then u never know he could be different there? I went through this once before and he went to stay at his brothers and then too I fely a relief as if good someone else is taking care of him. Of course he used and they asked him to go and I took him back out of fear of him harming himself. He says this time the meds he is on are working and he so wants to be one of the 3 percent that can recover from this addiction. I want him to rebuild for himself and me for myself. He says he's afraid to be alone and I am too. I feel the hours and days goi bye and how I'm not really accomplishing anything or getting anywhere with moving forward. Eveybody says it takes time so is this time well wasted? I miss him constantly he is a very loving man when he is clean and would do anything for me. Yet when I have needed him tyhe most he has not been there?But sometimes I think I need him but when he is here I find I spend all my time living in him and his thoughts and feelings I still don't get anywhere? So I guess I just have to go it alone and try to make things better for myself. Try to find the motivation to set up for me and move forward...