I had the urge to cover up my miserable existence with my husband. you know mine was calling in sick and losing job after job while my friends husbands got promotions.

All I can say is I know how much it hurts, it is like rubbing salt in a wound. I try to turn it around, think of it this way. WHY is it that when a child does not do well that it is the mother's fault? never the dad, the bullies at school, the siblings, genetics etc. I also dont believe that if a child turns out well, that the parents should take all the credit - they made those accomplishments on their own. Maybe you can stop beating yourself up, and think about the things that you did do right. Maybe you can stop beating yourself up and realize that they made the choice to take drugs. Unless you force fed it to them, they did that all on their own. i am not trying to sound harsh. I never did drugs or anything, neither did my husband, and then suddenly I am married to a crackhead - what a slap in the face. then he dies of an overdose, so everyone now knows he was a druggie - just put a scarlet letter on my forehead! you need to beleive that you did cause this - you did not. many kids grow up in hard circiumstances and do not become drug addicts, and many kids grow up in "great" families and do become addicts.

Also, most people cover up their skeletons. most people do not lead the "perfect life" that they want everyone to believe...

hope that helps

Widow is so right. 3 years ago, I could have said. My addict is No. 3 in the world. he was training for the Olympics. Had just married the daughter of a prominent attorney here and had a new son. Little did I know, all that stress and pressure he felt to excel brought him down.
Now when people tell me their son's are now pharmacists or doctors or lawyers, all I can think is "there by the grace of God."
Addiction is not prejudical... it strikes where it strikes and often times it doesn't matter what or who they are.
Good Luck and God Bless.

I do know............."exactly" how you feel. I have two sons that are recovering opiate addicts. They are 25 and 22. Since they began treatment I felt horribly self conscious about it while talking to all our friends who had kids the same ages that were accomplishing soooo much. I almost always wanted to cry. It didnt mean I wasnt happy for them, I just felt very guilty or sad that my kids were in the position they were.

I had to think about where that was coming from and I realized I was feeling "guilty" and "worthless" as a parent. Feeling it had to be my fault they were the way they were. I must have done something wrong. Once I thought it through, went to some NA meetings, and "saw" the blessing my sons truly are.............I got over it. I look at my sons and I am soooo proud of them for fighting this addiction with conviction. It takes a very strong person to do what they have done. Yes, they are delayed and behind where their frinds are, but they will move forward.

Find pride in your son and realize that this was HIS choice, it is his problem. Work on self confidence within yourself and discover that YOU are not the reason for his addiction. Hate the drug, not the user. Hate the drug, not your friends who's children are successful. Hate the drug, NOT yourself. If you can seperate the drug from the person, you will see the true "reality" of it.

Blessings sweetie and congratulations that your son is recovering.

You did not fail!!!!!!!!!!!!

My ex partners mother (addicted son) was one of the best examples she could be. Her other daughter is doing a doctorate.... Her son was the smart one in school, but became an addict.

It is never anybody's fault.... except the user. There is even evidence that you can have a genetic predisposition to being an addict also.... so please dont blame yourself.

It hurt me to read that. I didn't turn out the best and my mum cries to me as her friends ask her what I'm doing and she never knew what to tell them.

Just be proud to love him and talk up his personal qualitites to your friends no matter what he is doing.

I really identified with what you said, it illustrates my struggles perfectly. Since I have been going to Alanon, I have learned that my son's addiction is not a reflection of my parenting, or of who I am. it helps to know this, and I plan to keep up that attitude, but it is true that sometimes a parent cannot separate that guilt of not having produced a successful young adult. It has been especially hard for me in the last several weeks, because my middle child graduated from the Catholic School that my son was kicked out of. That was the beginning of his downfall. At the graduation, a lot of people were asking "how's he doing?" and were proudly describing the successes of their sons, who used to be my son's friends before drugs and mental decline. I had to smile and turn away instead of telling them that he flunked 10th grade, has been in rehab, looks like a junkie, and swears at us daily. Yes, it does make you feel biter inside. But Alanon is tonight, and I know I will be surrounded by other parents who have known the same sad feelings, and I won't feel alone. Work on YOU - you did what you were supposed to do as a parent, end of story. He did the rest. When you can truly be happy for the people who are telling the happy stories of their kids, you will know that you are getting yourself better. The rest is up to only him.

Thanks everyone for your response and insight. I've been putting off attending Al-anon because I can't help but feel that no one feels like I do or undertands. Clearly, this is not the case. I don't know that I'll ever get over not having the daughter I used to but I must find a way to live again. Thanks again.