Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
My husband drinks about 15 beers a night. He says this is what most men do. He has about 2-3 sober nights a week though.
I think he has a problem.
What should I do?
I think he has a problem.
What should I do?
Borrow some alanon books from the library and learn how to leave his messes, not enable and take care of yourself.
Then, open a bank account in your name only and build up an emergency fund....as the mom of an alcoholic (now sober) I can tell you that there most likely will be one in his future...dui, losing a job, medical issues or you leaving....so better to plan for the worst and hope for the best than to be caught with nothing.
my son could go afew days without drinking, even at his worst...eventually that ended.
alcoholics work to not feel feelings. never argue when they are drinking and become as independent as possible. We can't change the other person, but we can take care of ourselves.
If loving them was what worked, none of us would be here. Please feel welcomed and read lots of old posts and there are books suggested. Hugs to you.
If it were me...I would challenge my husband/b/f to the fact..that if he didn't think he had a problem...than lets give not drinking a shot for 2 weeks...and then if you can comfortably go 2 weeks without anything to drink...than I may believe you that you don't have a problem.
I would think he has a problem (IMO). And I don't think he can go 2 weeks. But I also think HE would need to realize that for himself...because he won't even begin to change if he doesn't think it is a problem.
and he might not even admit to YOU if he does 2 weeks that it was difficult...but he will know within himself...and it is very possible he wouldn't be able to go 2 weeks....and then you would have the opportunity to say...Honey its a problem and every man does not have this "problem", honey please get some help or at least think about your drinking and what effects it could possibly have on our marriage and future. That would be me....
You can't stop him...like blue said...no love in the world can. But as you know recognizing I have a problem is the first step toward finding the strength to correct my problem. But with a closed mind...he is going to think YOU are the only one that has a problem with his drinking and he is fine. I used to think others were over reacting back in my early days of drinking...Till I tried to stop for a period of time and COULDNT...then I knew.
it took a long time from my point of realization for me to actually stop. But during all that time...I knew I had the full responsibility for the problem and I stopped blaming others for my drinking or my inability to stop.
What's important is that you believe he has reached the point where you question whether he is abusing alcohol or dependent on it. Either way, his drinking has become a problem.
Do most men drink 15 beers each night? Absolutely not. That does seem to be excessive.
I think the focus should be more on why you think it's a problem. My guess is that it is affecting you. Does he become abusive? Does he drive while drinking? Does he get into legal problems? Does he just get drunk and fall asleep, ignoring your marriage? Does it affect his job? Do these things happen when he drinks or also when he's sober? These are all indicators that his drinking has become a problem.
Anyway, all of that to say this: when we first met and were dating, I didnt think he had a problem. At times I'd think it, but then he'd just drink less, or maybe just hide it better. When we got engaged, he stopped drinking, or again, maybe just hid it great, for 9 months. When I got pregnant, he "got sober" for 15 months. But each time he started drinking again, or drinking openly anyway, again, it got worse and worse and worse. Alcoholism is a disease. Many alcoholics can and do try to abstain for a period of time. But if they don't get help, and make it an every day priority in their life, they will relapse, and each time is usually worse. This is why i don't feel that challenging him to quit for a period of time is the best idea. If he's not ready to do that, he may lie to you, hide things from you to "prove" he "can" do it, or he may just get mad at you. Regardless, him stopping or seeming to stop for a pre-determined period of time may only give you a false sense of security. I say that, because that's what it did for me. the relief of "oh good, he stopped for xxx weeks/months." The problem didnt go away.
And, I have to go back and question now, if he ever really gave up drinking or not, or if he was just lying to my face every day. He needs to see that he has a problem. He needs to see he needs help. And unfortunately we can't make that happen, as much as we may want to. You can and need to take care of yourself. I'd reach out to Alanon for yourself and your own peace of mind. I know it's saved my sanity more than once, even now that we are divorcing.
Big Hugs and lots of strength to you.
After being married to an alcoholic for 17 years, and then a drug addict for 12 years, I went into counseling. She asked me where do you want to be in five years? Its been five years, I am divorced and very happy I left the chaos behind me.
Yes 15 beers is too many in a night and when husband is sober I would have a talk with him and let him know how you feel. When I was married to the drug addict, I read the book, How to Get Your Love One Sober by Dr. Robert Meyers. It gave ways to help you set boundaries and how to talk with the alcoholic. It also tells you not all people will quit drinking and there comes a time when you have to do what is best for you!