Not as of yet. My fiance just went into rehab. I dont know if I should be anyone to give advice knowing Im rowing in a similiar boat as you......You just posted on a question I asked earlier. And i felt a bit of comfort from you. Its funny how we can relate and try to inspire one another yet we feel helpless in our own situations.
I see you have been living with this for some part of your life. I dont know how you are dealing when he is not holding himself accountable. I dont know if I could do that. I am suffering from guilt one day anger the next, and it makes me crazy. Meanwhile I was shut out when he decided to get help. All I can say is Your babies and your sanity come first. If he cant be there in a positive way to help you make a positive future than you have to salvage whatever sanity you have left to make a life for yourself and your babies. They just dont see how their selfishness can drag down everyone around them. I wish you strength and peace in your heart and mind.

thank you for responding, the thing i think i am having the hardest time moving past is the fact that i really don't think he has taken responsibility. I have recieved one apology but i feel like i only got it because he was trying to make me feel better at that moment, it did not feel sincere at all. How can you just say i'm sorry and expect your relationship to go on as normal??? I just want to feel happy again, it has been so long, i feel like the person i really am has been stomped all over for the past few years and there is no getting me back. I really need things to improve for myself and my kids.

Is he being over medicated with his mood suppresants that its making him so despondent toward you and the situation he left you in?? I know some medicines like seroquel can leave you in an emotionless state of mind. I think once you start your counseling together you really have to address this and make him see how it has left you to feel. You have suffered right along with him and they dont realize we suffer sober. They suffer while self medicating.

it is possible he is being over medicated but he was very active (playing sports and going to therapy) while in rehab and didnt sound nearly so despondant. His meds havn't changed since then. You are right about the therapy though. That is pretty much what the counceler told me. Once it has been addressed i think you are right, i can see how i'm feeling from there. I will have someone supportive there and that will make it easier to bring up how i feel and at least i know my kids won't be there to hear any of it. I hate to see them hurt anymore than they already have been. I am hoping that because they are only 3 and 5 that they will not remember so much of this as they grow up.

When I went through my divorce my son was 3 and he doesnt remember much at all. They remember bits and pieces and may ask you later what the story was from certain memories. My son is 15 now. And I know I did the right thing. He is the only strength in this world I have. Every day I get up knowing its for him. The whole drug thing is new to me in a relationship . I dealt with a cheater in the past. It was something i couldnt get past. I caught him and he never fessed up. he denied to the very end and almost 12 years have passed and I dont speak to him still. i can go on for hours. But i do know this I was the first out of all my friends to get divorced. Now 3 of my best friends are going through it with teens and its so much harder. Now they have opinions. and they choose sides. So i hate to say this but after you give therapy a try and feel you have nothing more to give, dont linger in the relationship, it makes it harder for everyone to move on. At least thats my opinion from what i've experienced.stay strong!

thank you so much for sharing your experiences and advice, i'm taking it all to heart, i hope we can continue to talk, it really helps to know i'm not alone

Wow, I wish I had a good answer for you Jessica. All I can say is that there is no easy answer, but please know that you are not alone. So many of us are going through the same things. I recently posted my situation and while I was encouraged by the number of responses and that I am not alone in this, I was also overwhelmed by the vastly different advice. I have concluded that only I (and you) can make our decisions, each situation is different. What does your counselor recommend? Mine has been very helpful, and I have listened carefully to advice I am given, but in the end I do what feels right in my heart. Not what is easy , but what I know deep down inside is right. What does your gut tell you to do???

Dear Jessica,

What concerns me most is that your husband allowed himself to be kicked out of a treatment center. My husband is a recovering crack addict. He started using drugs around the same age as your husband. When someone that young starts to abuse his/her body and mind with substances it affects their emotional, mental and psychological development. Your husband and mind stop maturing mentally and emotionally around the age of 13.
Can you image what it would be like to be married to a pre-pubescent teenager? Think about it. I am currently in my forties and my only child is in her twenties, young children give me the willies (LOL).

Your husband and mine have so many character defects compounded with other issues. They were both on drugs for years and therefore, it is going to take work and will take years for them to work on all of their problems that have manifested in their minds and life caused by their drug addiction.
In essence Jessica you are dealing with a person who is selfish, self-center, narcissistic, immature, moody, irresponsible, narrow minded with an over inflated ego combined with low self esteem. And to top that all off, he lacks the ability to think rationally or make logical decisions about his own life. The man we married cannot emotional support or loving to their families until they decide to get help.

You mentioned in your post that your husband was kicked out of treatment because of a fight. Well go figure. Think about what he did. He did not want to be in treatment in the first place, treatment was your idea not his and he went into treatment in order to pacify you.

Now mind you, this is purely my belief based upon my research (I read everything I can on addiction and treatment), statistics, talking to numerous recovering and non-recovery addicts and alcoholic, working and talking to drug and rehabilitation counselors as well as religiously attending AA/NA and Al-Anon meetings. My findings strongly indicate that when anyone has used hard core drugs (crack, crystal meth, cocaine, morphine, heroin etc.) for years short term treatment simply does not work and is a total waste of time, energy and money.

The majority of addicts who go into a treatment program are usually entering treatment high. It takes the brain at least 90 days to come down off the high. In the first 90 days, they cannot concentration or absorber the information that is being given to them. As soon as they sober up, they are being sent home to follow-up with some kind of aftercare program. Hard core addicts need longer treatment stays and 90-120 days is just not enough time.

That is why I insisted upon long-term treatment for my husband.
My husband stayed 2 months in county jail for breaking and entering (he still has to go to court next year to face those charges) and went directly from jail to a long-term treatment facility. This was the first time my husband entered a treatment center sober and it was also the first long term treatment program that my husband ever entered.

My husband stayed in treatment for 9 months and if you add the 2 months that he stayed in county jail that is a total of 11 months sobriety. This is the longest time my husband has ever been sober since age 13 my husband is 45 years old so you do the math.

Marriage counseling is wonderful when your problem is not addiction or alcoholism. I can tell you from personal experience that your husband will not take well to marriage counseling. Your marriage is not the real problem here. Your husband is an addict a long time addict at that. He knows how to manipulate you and his environment to get what he wants. Oh yes, he will go into marriage counseling. He will do anything you ask him as long as it takes the focus off of him and his addiction. Your husband will use marriage counseling as a diversionary tacit to take your focus off his primary love his drugs.

Jessica, marriage counseling will work to aide in yours and your husband recovery but only after he is clean and sober. Think about why you are going to marriage counseling? What do you expect counseling to do for you and your addict husband especially when the problem is NOT you or your marriage the real problem is your husbands drug addiction and his refusal to seek help?

Jessica, you have not done anything to cause your husbands addiction, you cannot cure it, and you certainly cannot control your husbands drug addiction.

I believe in first things first. Do not cloak yourself in isolation and denial. Your husband needs to be in a long-term treatment program. He needs to take care of his disease and character defects. He needs to be working and be active in a recovery program and has several months if not years of sobriety. You would be truly amazed at what long term treatment can do for your husband mind and mental and emotional well being; not to mention the chronic pain. My husband suffers from chronic shoulder pain and has undergone more surgeries than I can count.

Please believe me when I say, that your husband is the one that is sick right now, not your marriage. To be honest with you, you have no marriage and no husband. He may be there physically but his mind and emotions are being control by something more powerful than him or your love for him. Right now, your husband world and life revolves around his addiction.

There is absolutely no point in going into counseling until he decides to do something about his drug problem. You and your children are suffering because of another persons disease.

Last year, I asked my husband to leave our home after he refused to get help. God, I could write a book about addicts & alcoholics.
When an addict/alcoholic is serious about changing his/her own life they are willing to go to any esteem. However, when addicts and alcoholic are not serious about seeking professional treatment they always believe that they can work a recovery program their way. Their over inflated ego and sick mind tells them that they can do recovery all by themselves; that they do not need help in order to beat their addiction. No mind you, some people have been able to kick alcohol and drug addiction without help but most people need professional help in order to recovery. Most addicts and alcoholic need a structured environment with trained individuals who have experience with alcoholism and drug addiction in order to help our loves. There are so many variables that play into addiction and alcoholism and most addicts need the help of others to combat and then arrest their disease.

Addicts and alcoholics have two states of being. An addict or alcoholic is either actively using or in recovery. Please know that your husband will never be normally, for the rest of his live until the day he dies, he will always be an addict. My point here he has to decide which type of addict he wants to be.

I am here for you to answer any questions you may have about addiction and recovery. As I mention above, my husband is now in recovery and recovery has its' own set of problems.

God bless,

~~Delta

hello,
i am very sorry that you and your family are going through all this. I work in healthcare as a licensed practical nurse. The first thing I watch for when someone's mood all of sudden becomes stable is a suicide plan. often times people who suffer with depression seem "ok' they have come to terms with their fate ,and decide the ending of their lives. You did not say that your husband is clinically depressed, but I would imagine that there is some level of depression present . It may have been brought on by the drugs or may b epresent from other issues; especially since he started using at 15.
I would ask him outright if he has a plan to end his life for a third time. You will be able to gauge the truth depending on his response. This may sound cold and trust me i dont mean it to be . But I know peolpe who have found their parents dead and they are emotionally scarred. I am very blunt with words and I would tell him not to do it all but especially not in your home. If he has never thought of anybody before maybe he will think of your children. The prior suicide attempts seem to be a cry for help/attention
.
Your husband understands you better than anyone because we are all creatures of habit. I have learned to ask other peolpe for help instead of my addict hus. My husband has a lot pride and this bothers him to no end. This has shocked him; as asking for help is not in character, but people are more willing to help than you think. Just reach out to people or organizations who are caring and sympathetic to our issues.
Never forget to pray , God is always waiting to be a friend , we, including myself will exhaust every ear until there is complete silence on the other end , But God never gets tired of listening . In fact, He waits patiently for us to bring all of cares to Him.

nlandholt, delta and notbyselfkady - thank you for your input, gives me alot to think about. It also kind of reinforces all these feelings i've had lately of things just not being right.

nlandholt - truthfully, my gut is telling me to get the heck out of here or i will be hoping for change for the rest of my life and will never see it.

I am 29, i have an awful lot of life left to live and i don't want to throw away my chance of making that life a good one for me and my kids.

Delta - i should have called the police on my husband years ago, he has been doing break and enters since his early teens and they started up again in the last couple of years, when we moved here from our old town there were a lot of angry neighbors that suspected he was the one responsible but they also knew me and my kids and i think they maybe held back to not make things worse for us. Because my husbands last suicide attempt was a week before we moved, my dad was the one to go through our garage and the amount of stolen items on top of the fact that my dad found his break and enter kit made me feel horrible for my family, the people he stole from and myself.
You are right 2 months of recovery with no follow up will definitly not cut it.
notbymyselfkady - i never thought of things quite the way you put it, i would never want my kids to find him like that, it was bad enough the last time when they had to watch the paramedics and police and firetrucks show up and have him taken away in an ambulance on a stretcher. I can't take the chance of reliving that myself never mind the kids having to see it again.

ok, so what is my next step exactly if i leave? Do i leave or ask him to leave?? I just started a new job and its not enough to support me and the kids, we are also living off my husbands disability pay from his work. I could goto my moms, but she is in another city and i really don't want to stay with her, and i dont really want to leave my job. I guess those things arent important right this second but it seems unfair to uproot me and the kids for something that we didn't cause.
I don't know what to do ):

My AH and I went to couples counseling and it did help. We went separately and together. We aren't together anymore but at the time the couples therapy helped me see what and how addiction works and its not as simple as just wanting to quit.
I think you should go to therapy then give it sometime before you make any major decisions.

Jessica, when the time is right, I know that you will make the best decision for you and your children just have faith. I believe that when the time comes, the God of your understanding will guide you down the right path

~~Delta.

I would lust like to say a couple of things to you...but first, I am so sorry that you are in this position. It is a horrible place to be and there is nothing but sad in dealing with an addict.

As to therapy as a "couple." Here is the thing, you are not a "couple." I think that often the sober partner gets enough out of it to see that is true, but it really is not possible to get much more...if the addict is not in recovery, it is a just a show for all involved. The characteristics that make somene an addict are at the root of so many of the issues, but until that addict starts to first acknowledge that, and then second, starts to address them on his own, there is no way that they will be addressed with the "couple." Additionally, if the immediate problems result from his addiction, no amount of "couples" therapy will help. So I would suggest seeing someone on your own.

One of the worst things to go through, to have to reconcile in your mind, is the idea of how much you have given, put into this relationship, and how much you have lost. The idea that you do not want to give up anything else, that is totally understandable. But part of it is that you feel deceievd, that you were putting so much into something that you now know was not what it seemed, that so much seems to have been for nothing, just thrown away.

The good part is, and I know it is hard to see any good part, but everything you do from now on, it will be your choice with your eyes open. It will not be part of a charade. It wil be moving forward and away, rather than just spinning your wheels.

So whatever decision you make, remember that it is not just another thing to look back at and shake your head at, it is part of building a good and solid fuiture for you and your children.