You will probably get better advice from other people as I am quite new to this but I am thinking you shouldn't pay his rent or buy him food. You say this is the last time but what happens next month when he still doesn't have a job and needs money for rent and food?

I think you need to let him figure it himself.

Its not your fault...and I'm sorry your husband is angry with him....because he is a sick boy. He is depressed ...not "lazy".

You raised him the best you could gordo...you did not cause him to drink...its a gene...its an illness...he would have had it if you died when he was 2.....

You know they say...you didn't cause it and you can't cure it. With that said. Help him this last time with the rent and the food and make it lovingly clear to him that it has to be the last time and remind him of the offers from his aunt and uncle and that is all you can do.

You can also tell him you will help him search for jobs on your job search engines on line if he wants...but there really isn't anything else you can do...but move in with him and separate from your husband and care give...I have almost done that a few times..but I don't think that is the healthy answer or the fair answer to yourself or your husband.

I'm so sorry you are going thru this pain.

Thank you both
Misssy, that is the problem. He is deeply depressed & sick and my hands are tied. We could have him declared mentally incompetent, but that would follow him around the rest of his life. If only he would just TRY to get some help. He has options & help available, but will not take it. I am so anxious, I feel like Im going to crawl out of my skin. My own medication isn't working anymore. I don't feel like I can help him, let alone myself. I have been waking up in the mornings thinking " there is no other solution than to put myself out of my own misery". I know that is selfish, but I really cant handle this for much longer.

gordos4, your last comment I truly feel, I have been there, felt the same thing, 'why bother continuing, it's only heartache, broken promises and pain, if I'm not around, then I can't feel it.".....and there would be this tingling running down my spine while thinking it. I was depressed, I felt hopeless and run down. My husband was pissed at our son for being an addict and hurting me constantly, wouldn't talk to him, my husband was depressed too and hurting. I finally had to 'restructure' MY mental state. Realize what I had around me was great, awesome and I was fortunate. If you are on medication, this may be adding to those suicidal thoughts, so you MAY want to talk to your own Dr. about that. Reach out to a suicide hotline, someone to talk to...seek therapy, I did that in the beginning and it helped me realize that I KNOW how to handle it all, I just needed to stop enabling, detach with love and let go. Hard lessons to learn, but I did......BE STRONG and reach out for help. HIS problems have NOTHING to do with YOU but with himself, only HE can seek help for himself. You can lead the horse to water theory. STAY STRONG, be kind to YOU. Hugs and prayers to you! YOU are NOT to blame, love your life, love your husband, and love your son, but not his 'addiction'. ;)

depression is so hard to deal with...but he has to do something...anything...go to rehab, go to meetings...go to work, go to relatives....he has many options.

It is scary if we let our minds go to that "what if"........
You really need to stop blaming yourself. it does no good. not for him or you or your family. If blaming ourselves or loving them or praying for our addicts were enough? none of us would be here.

Let it go. You are addicted to worry, blame etc. They may have genetic or environmental pushes towards their addictions...but we did not make them addicts. they did that all by themselves. As Dr. Phil would say (and I do not like him)...what are you getting out of this behavior of yours? if nothing? than it is motivation to work on changing. (Katrinka says she shouts "stop" when she would start)
Hugs and best wishes.

I feel the same as "hopingforsunnydays". More often than not (especially today) I feel so hopeless about my addict family and wonder how I am going to continue trying to help my family when they seem like they are so sick. I mean they havent told me the truth in so long that I am seriousley beginning to realize they want nothing to do ith me. I have been so depressed and inside all day on this BEAUTIFUL day because I feel so alone with the family issues. I`m so glad I found this group.
My fiance`s family told me to "let go" and "it isnt your problem" and it angers me. they tell me to just be young and happy and focus on my life (well that would be fine if I HAD a life. But I dont. I just moved. No friends and my fiance and I are always working. Plus this town is like a postage stamp. I feel like Im going insane with boredom and loneliness. How can my own family abandon and hide from me like this? Dont they understand--Im TRYING to help them.