Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
So I left my husband for a week and after much discussion we decided to try saving our marriage. He promised that he would work as hard as he could to stop drinking and that this time it would work. Well after 10 days of being sober I caught him last night sneaking some vodka. I was actually suspicious a couple of days ago because he only snores when he drinks and for the last couple of nights its been unbearable. He does not appear to be overdoing it like other times but he definately is sneaking some drinks. Of course I am furious and he has no words for his slip up but now I am back to square one trying to figure out what to do. Like Ive said before, my husband is not physical nor is he troublesome in any way the concern I have is health and his inability to find gainful employment due to the fact that he has a criminal background due to his past DUI's. He mostly works odd jobs and he owns a few rentals that allows him to bring in some money to the home but I really believe he needs a 40 hour a week job to keep him distracted from the bottle. IS it possible that boredom is what leads him to drink? The reason I say that is because for the last 10 days he has been super active building stuff and getting stuff done at home and as soon as he was done with his project I guess he felt bored and chose to buy a bottle. I dont know you guys. I love my husband but I cant help but be so disappointed and disillusioned. I dont know if I want to deal with this all my life. I hate the ups and downs. He is so amazing sober and when he drinks he is worthless in my eyes. He just sleeps all day and does nothing productive which really turns me off. I work full time and it is depressing to come home to a drunk husband. I know he doesnt trouble my physically or really in any way other than his mere presence irritating me but I just want something more out of a husband. This is my second marriage and I cant help but feel like Ive failed again and do not want to give up. I find myself questioning whether it will be different in a third marriage. My first husband was a complete asshole and verbally and physically abused me and now mys second husband is wonderful in many ways but likes to drink. Its scary to think what a third would bring so I figure I should work with what I got. SO I compromise and do a whole lot of praying but I cant help but feel discontent and wondering if I am doing the right thing. Im just tired of being disappointed all the time.
It takes a level of acceptance that he can get sober and he may relapse and his drunk behavior may change. He could also get sober and stay sober. There are plenty of successful recovering alcoholics in happy marriages out there. Yours could potentially be oneof them.
I would personally reccomend marriage counseling. Its a safe place to discuss this matter with a third party.
If he's sneaking vodka, he's going to keep doing it. And, it's going to get worse, both because he's not having consequences and because that what happens as the disease progresses.
You have not failed. This is something that you did not cause and you can not control. The only question is whether you want to live like this the rest of your life, and also knowing that it's going to get worse without treatment.
He made the promise to work as hard as he could and HE failed, not you. It's because the disease is too strong. The next conversation to have with him is about getting professional help.
Of course alcoholism is progressive and I ended up drinking the whole year because I had no obligations to get up for work, I was depressed, I was bored. I had no negative consequences..except toward the end...my health and distance from my children.
I think counseling is a great idea except if a counselor knows he is drinking they will probably tell the both of you that in order to work on anything with the two of you...you both have to be sober. Because I went to a counselor with my b/f and that is what they told us..to come back when we were both sober and ready to fix our relationship.
Because you don't want to feel like a "failure" you are settling for less than you deserve. Don't take this the wrong way but in a sense doesn't that mean you are "failing" yourself anyway?
I think the first step is to set clear boundaries. Let him know that you know he has gone back on his effort to stop drinking and give him the ultimatum (if you can stick to it).....treatment or he has to separate from you until he is back to the normal sober man you loved. You can even participate in finding him treatment. And once in treatment if you wish they usually have family interaction meetings that you could participate in.
But this is not going to JUST go away without significant work on his part and significant pain and suffering either way on your part. Its a process to get better. If he is not willing to take part in that process than the next step is for you to decide if you can live with less than you deserve or if you can find the strength to do what is right for YOU and remove yourself from the situation until he is well.
so, either put up with the behavior or make the change you think you need to do. Yes, it is hard, and it sucks.
two things may happen...you will get better and he will not, but you will already be stronger and able to handle it. OR
He will get better two and you will have saved him and your relationship.
Rehab for my son was 90 days and then another 8 weeks somewhere else AFTER 28 days in a hospital. BUT I now have a sober and happy and healthy son...6 years later.
Be strong.
Also, don't feel like if you leave him alone that it's your fault if he dies. If you do nothing and he continues down this path, the drinking could ultimately kill him. So, by separating and demanding treatment, you could be saving his life.
I also suggest Al-Anon, the book Boundaries and the book Co-Dependent No More. This is to work on your own issues. Marriage counseling is also a good idea to work on the issues that you have as a couple.
I do think he was probably scared during that week that he was not there. Its just that alcoholism is stronger than love. And he thinks he can get away with it and control it. He will figure out he can't..and unfortunetly you have already figured it out.
Listen, I could not quit for my children who begged for years. He will not quit until he is ready. We never know what makes us ready but it is obvious he is not ready yet and you are going to keep going thru this cycle. Its hard..but for your own self respect and peace...you need to take drastic measures. I'm sorry.
You can NOT have sex with him while he is drunk, and not protect him or give him alibis. You can set boundaries. You can protect yourself financially, legally, and any other way you can think of.
and you really should not let him drive drunk...ever. he could kill someone innocent....
whatever you do is up to you, but you MUST look after yourself. the longer you are with someone sick, you get ill too.
SO, I hope for the best, plan for the worst and do read those suggested books. Take care of YOU!