I'm not sure I have an answer for you but did you ever think that your husband doesn't love himself so how is he going to love you or anyone else for that matter. I'm sorry you are feeling so bad, did you ever think what life would be like without the addict?

It says in the Alanon family book that many people have trouble adjusting to someone they love becoming sober. you were used to making all the decisions, doing things the way you wanted, and now, he has to fit into that mold...but the mold is broken.
There has to be a whole new starting over.
I am so sorry you are feeling so badly. Maybe just working on what would make you feel better and you actually getting better, will give you both some ground to stand on.
Especially when they get sober, we expect them to give us what we were wanting when they used...but now their energy is on their sobriety...still selfish. It takes a while before they are even "human" again...but it will come in time. Maybe he expected you would change when he did.???
All I can say is do the next right thing.
And my goal for when I am depressed is to get 3 things done every day...that could be a shower, a meal fixed and walking the dogs...but then I don't stink, and either does my house!
Just work on taking care of yourself, and leave the rest to God and the future.
I hope you feel better soon.
Remember that Hope Clings, and Faith Lets Go!

They will be adjusting for a while now that they are sober.They can suffer from P.A.W.S anywhere from 6 mos up to 24 mos.?I believe I read somewhere.Just look it up online I'm sure ther's info.on it.Have you been to any Al-Anon meetings? If not, I highly suggest going.It will do you good.

Oh Dear, I just went through that over the last several days, my AH is not only still drinking but is escalating to a whole new level....... I have started the divorce process, then I get the usual begging and pleading for forgiveness. During our discussions he kept telling me that he was angry and resentful. Painful? OMG yes! When all I have ever tried to do is love, support and be patient?
I am learning this........ My worth as a person does not hinge on his behavior, approval or even his love. My addict has a dysfunctional idea of love. It is not really unconditional.
But your husband is attempting recovery. Have hope for him and be yourself .
Sending love

sorry to hear that jms....wasn't he willing to go into rehab to keep you or was he too sick to chose righltly? Or you just cant do it anymore?
hugs,
Ross

I know how you feel. My RAH is about 6 months clean. I hate him right now with how nasty of a person he is.

I understand your questions. I have the same ones. My biggest challenge is taking the focus off my RAH and putting it on myself. I know what I deserve. I know what I'm worth. And I know that nobody deserves to be treated the way my RAH treats me.

So what do I plan to do about it? That's the part I'm working on.

Just because they're clean, doesn't make them 'healed' by any means. I feel that I can't do anything right to please my RAH. And it's pretty hurtful.

I'm sorry you're hurting. I know how you feel.

I think blue hit the nail on the head. Work on you and decide what you want in life and how you want to live your life. So many spouses think ah will get sober and everything that was wrong will be fixed. Not so the problems were there before and they are still there.

I will share some things that come to mind that I read on onther recovery groups I am in.
*Detach
* keep the focus on you and your recovery
* be good to you.
*Knowing that they are trying to learn skills to deal with life instead
of medicating their pain.
*Remember their reactions may not be about you at all.
*Choose to respond and not react.
*Set boundaries.
*Work on your recovery.
*Sit in on a few open AA/NA meetings to see what its like for them
how their life is from their perspectives.
*It will take a while for them to get through the steps and to learn new skills.
*Focus on meeting your needs by friends , hobbies, etc..
*No one person can meet all our needs.
*They are still alcohloics and it takes times to learn new skills and develop new ones.
*Focus on what makes you happy.
So many more......Hope you are going to Al-Anon, its a big help.
And hope this is helpful
Ross