We've all been there. Don't blame yourself. You have enough to deal with from the other people in your life without you also being hard on yourself.

After you've been through this for awhile, you start to notice patterns. One that I've found is that life with an addict is a total roller-coaster. It keeps us living in chaos and emotionally on edge. I've finally figured out how to gain a little serenity. When things look really bad, I don't let them get me down. I know they will be up again soon. On the flip side, whenever there is a sign of hope, I don't let myself get too happy about it. I know that something is likely to screw it up.

It used to be that I would exaggerate the highs and lows by getting really down at the bad news and really happy with the least sign of hope. That caused chaos and drama in my life.

I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like I got off the roller coaster myself (emotionally), even though I'm still surrounded by chaos. It took me over 3 years to learn this, but I think it's finally sinking in. I suppose this is what they mean by detachment.

Pat,,,, gonna give to you,,, you can't blame yourself for your daughters addiction,,, however,yep blaming you for your misery ,, why because,,, insanity is,,, doing something over and over and expecting different results,,,,, well girl put your big girl Pants on,,, and do something,, girl your being a door Matt,,, so you d-in law in not talking to you,,, but living with you,,, who's house is this?,,,, I'll give you till this counseling thing,, don't have Hugh expectations everything is going to go the way you want,,, your daughter is only going to pacify you,,think about it,, she takes medication in the afternoon that she is suppose to take at night,, cause she has what a headache,, anxiety,, shoot,,,
Pat your alluowing this to happen,,, your concernef about your grand kids,,, look what's going on,, your killing your daughter,, by continuing giving her chance after chance,,,,

Don't hate me girl,,, but I've been in your shoes,, your right it does suck,,, but put joy back into your life,,,


Sorry if I offended anyone else,,,

Cardinal I don't hate you I respect everything you've said because it is all true. I know you've lived through this and I've read your post's so I know how it's ended up for you and I don't want the same thing for my daughter. She has broken my heart time and time again and you are right I let it happen. I am trying to make some changes in my life but I'm sure you know how hard it is. I do love her very much and it scares me that I might be loving her to death, I hope not. I still have just a little bit of hope left for her, sometimes I see a glimmer of my old daughter and it gives me some hope. I pray alot especially at night when she is sleeping, after I check on her and make sure she is still breathing, I thank God, then I try and sleep. I now how pathetic that sounds but for right now it's all I can do. Thank you for your advice, I am getting stronger everyday and little by little I am making some progress I just hope I don't make a mistake and wait to long.

Patnard, I can empathize with your pain, your worry and your heartache, but then there comes a time, a moment when you have to, you must take your life back. Because sweetie, what is happening is that it's not just your life that is spiraling out of control it's everyone that is around you including the grandchildren. We have all been through this, and the constant rollercoaster eventually will make you sick. Like Kim said if we keep doing the same thing and expecting different results we are only fooling ourselves. You have nothing to lose by turning the tables? One day, I literally looked in the mirror and shouted at myself to stop, take control of your life and do not let this monster win. Believe in yourself and take back your life because you deserve it.

Pat you can't control what your daughter does, or your daughter in-law, but you can insist that from here on out you will no longer be abused. You are being abused psychologically. It is time to set up your boundaries. I agree with Cardinal I'm giving you until a few counseling sessions otherwise when I come to CT to this summer I will come to your house and help you set up boundaries. :))
You can do this!!!

My friends I need all your help and support I can't do this anymore, cardinal ia right I'm loving her to death and I am so scared. I can't seem to stop I just love her so much I'm killing her and myself. I'm loosing my mind, I'm afraid of what I'm going to do. My family has been thrugh so much in the last 7 years with my husband goig to jailm my daughter's addiction, my problems with my son and s-in-law, I feel like they hate me for not being this strong person I'm supposed to be. I need help I'm falling apart fast. I know I have to make some serious changes in my life but something is holding me back and I can't seem to move forward. Please help me before I go crazy!

Pat Maybe it would be a good idea to go speak with your doctor about you and how you are feeling. I know how stressful it is to live with all you are going through but something has to give because I am afraid of what it is doing to you. If you fall apart it will only add to the chaos in your home . It is ok to seek help when things get to be too much and I really think it is time for you to do that. Please think about it ok? here for you. Dee

Hi Pat, not sure you and I have exchanged too many posts but I have been reading yours and want you to know that I truly feel your pain b/c to some extent I've been there too. Loving and enabling my son to death and caring too much about what others think. I never thought it should be any other way - boy was I wrong; almost to a fault.

First off, to get you there you need to tell yourself, embrace and follow through on this statement: "I don't give a rat's ass what anyone else thinks or says about me!" Yes, easy to say but so hard to do but if I can - anyone can! Having this kind of baggage in your life right now is not healthy nor does it help you; so get rid of it before it drives you bonkers!!!

Next, and most importantly, you already know what everyone before me has said is true. Unfortunately, unless you start acting on the great advice given the chaos in your life is going to go from bad to worse. This too I believe you know but are too scared to take the necessary steps to save both you and your daughter. You keep hanging onto the negatives, telling yourself it's hard, or impossible or can't be done. Problem with this mind-set is if you continue to embrace the negatives then you'll never get to trying and establishing the positives in your life (setting rules & boundaries). Yes, there will be changes in the norm of your life, some bumps and a few brick walls along the way but unless you try, you won't win this battle. If you start off by taking a few small steps at first then those that follow will get easier. Remember, you're not alone, we're here to help guide you along the way b/c bottom line, isn't your life and your daughter's worth it?

These wonderful souls saved me from loosing my sanity and no doubt saved my son from himself. True he's still on his journey - not perfect but he's alive and allowing me to help guide & counsel him when we talk - not sure that would have been the case had I not taken the chance to change things - by setting clear, realistic and do-able rules & boundaries in my life.

Courage dear sister and we're here for you...

Thank you to all you wonderful women, your support and understanding is amazing, I know what I need to do and I am making baby steps but right now I feel frozen in time. All I keep thinking about is the domino effect that is going to happen when I do make her leave and then I stop. She will loose joint custody of her son, be living on the streets, she has no friends left, no one trusts her anymore, what if something horrible happens to her when I let her go how do I live with myself. I really do know I've done all I can, so why doesn't she get better. She made some progress and detoxed off of fentanyl patches, she stopped taking opiates and is on suboxone, why can't she stop takng all this sedating medication she claims is for anxiety and why do these stupid dr's keep giving it to her? So many ?'s and no answers, my head is spinning,

Pat we all wish we could help you more but this is something only you can do. It is your life and you have no control over anyone but yourself. So if you want changes you have to be the one to change.
Worry is not going to help the grandkids or your daughter. The counseling can help you realize what you can and cannot control but it probably will do little to change her.
You are the only person in this situation who can change and you must be willing to do it or live with things the way they are. Its simple and its your choice.
Hang in there we are rooting for you!
Marg

I have no wise words to give you. But my heart goes out to you! We all have been where you are. Sometimes more than once. It happens. Don't beat yourself up over it. You're a mother. You have feelings. You're human.

My Nar-Anon book explained today's meditation quite well. And I think it applies very much at this moment.

Detaching with Love.

Living with an active addict is stressful and I constantly feel as though I am walking on eggs. When I harbor a mistaken sense of responsibility for someone else's well-being and safety, when my sanity and well-being is adversely affected by the actions of the addict, when I find myself worrying and losing sleep because the addict is out partying, when I worry that I may say the wrong thing and "cause" him to go back out, then I am not practicing detachment. By detaching with love, I can stop feeling responsible for the addict's well-being and behavior. I have learned in Nar-Anon that addiction is a disease. It is not my fault! I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. I have discovered by practicing detachment that I can relieve myself of the mistaken guilt and responsibility I felt. Walking on eggs always results in broken eggs. Living with an addict causes stress. I think of detachment as a tight rope and the addict as eggs. I use the tight rope to walk above the eggs. I practice walking on the rope so I will not fall and break the eggs, but walking a tight rope is not easy; it takes a lot of practice. At first, I am sure to make mistakes, to slip and break a few eggs. However, if I practice and learn to walk the rope, I will eventually be able to achieve my goal. The same is true for detachment.

Thought for Today: Detachment is one tool I can use to separate myself from the chaos, fear and mistaken responsibility that result from living with active addiction.

"Feel the feeling. Choose the behavior." ~ Charles Rumberg

I know....easier said than done...but reading these makes me think. And it makes me realize I'm NOT crazy. But I'm making myself crazy.

That's all I've got for you....BIG hugs to you!!

Trying, your words are very wise and so true, for right now things are quiet because she has used up all her presciptions and has no med's left. Sometimes I think she is on a death wish the dr. that gives her the suboxone gave her a script of amitryptaline to help her sleep and vistarol to help with anxiety (that works like benadryl) well last weekend I stayed with my mother for the weekend and my daughter took 178 amitryptaline and 90 vistarol pills in just 6 days, needless to say she was pretty much in a coma all weekend. We have an appointment at the day program she goes to 3 times a week and I can't wait to tell her councelor what is going on. She need's more help than 3 times a week but that is thier call, I also want them to take the responsibility of giving her all her med's I can't do it anymore and I don't want to. Can't wait for this appointment to spill the beans and set things straight! I am so ready to detach!! Thanks for the info.

Hugs,
Pat

Pat, when you have a moment try and read back your post. I can read the pain in your heart, the struggle and fear, but I also read a women that is strong, has been the pillar for an entire family and especially a Mom trying so desperately to save her child. I was there, trying with every ounce of my sole to try to save my son, but it wasn't until I saved myself, that I was able to take charge, and do the things I really needed to do. You can do this Pat, if you need to reach out to a professional for help you do that, if you need to reach out to us, you do that, if you need to scream as loud as you can you do that. What ever you want to do, do! but take care of you first. Save Pat. hugs and lots of prayers for you and your family.

Dee, you are so right , I know I have to take care of me but it is so hard when all I do is worry about everyone else. I do see a therapist weekly who tells me the same thing you ladies here do, I just need to imbed it in my head. If it's not one child I worry about it's the other or it's my husband it's always someone other than myself. I keep trying and I'll get it soon, practice makes perfect, right? Thanks for all your loving support and kind words they mean so much.
Hugs,
Pat