Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
Well as usual the damn weekend comes and so does the drama. I don't know how much longer I can take this . I feel like I am living in a weekly version of hell that just won't end.My know it all 18 yr old went to his friends last night and promised he had a ride home by 1230 only to call me at 1210 and say his ride didn't come back and he had no way home. His other friend could bring him but not till 1 so I can tell by his voice as usual he was drinking and I said i will come get you so stay at codys i will be there in half hour because that is how long it takes to get there so I leave to go get him and as I am driving on a notoriously bad dark stretch of windy road sorrounded on both sides by woods I pass a person walking in the pitch dark and realize that was mr. know it all I am livid ! I rush out of the house tell you to stay put till I get there and your walking on this deadly ( there has been numerous fatalitys on the road ) friggin road drunk at 1 am WHAT THE %&#@? I turn around and pick him up and say why are you walking ? still have not really gotten an answer and we get home he has to eat etc etc finally he goes to bed or should i say passes out and I just want to smash him! When is this jerk gonna wake up? so since their is no point in talking to a drunk i figured we would discuss his poor choices today oh no he won't have any of it ... It's no big deal if he likes to go unwind 1x a week and have a few drinks really well lets see your a drug addict your under age your walking on a deadly road at 1am etc etc so what does he do he says I'm leaving and slams the sliding glass door screen breaking the track and starts down the street well my 12 yr old starts crying mom don'tlet him go what am I supposed to do? so I practically beg him to come inside n talk to me its Fathers' day weekend is it really gonna go down like this? He ruined my motheers day by overdosing the weekend before and now i guess it's his poor fathers turn. I am so done with this ungrateful brat ! HE IS USUALLY REMORSEFUL WHEN HE SCREWS UP BUT NOT TODAY. I am so sad frustrsted mad worn out you name it. i DO NOT want this kid to die!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so afraid of that possibility it is making me sick literally my stomach headaches that won't go away. My fear besides the one i just stated is that this ends bad and what is that gonna do to my 2 daughters. my 12 yr old is so sensitive and loving I am afraid for what will happen to her and my 11 yr old keeps things in more so that worrys me too. I will not live this nightmare again! I can not do it ! My poor husband is so disgusted too ! I really DESPISE drugs and alcohol! GOD BLESS ALL THE INNOCENT CHILDREN in this world that through no fault of their own they are living with the repercussions of addiction !! Not fair to them. I pray pray pray that he wakes up before a tragedy takes place but right now I'm not feeling so hopeful about that. I rack my brain with the why ? why? why? and really come up with nothing. No child in this world was wanted more than him we have raised him in a loving sober home where he was given almost everything he ever wanted and this is the thanks I get! Please God give me strength! Dee Sorry I just really needed to get that out!
Dee, I am sorry if I offended you. That really isn't my intention. It's just that I am so tired of all the people around me asking why? why? why? When in reality they really don't want to hear the answer to that question because it points right back to them. And YES...that includes me!
There is this tendency to say whatever bc ur not face to face, it's NOT right and it's NOT nice.
I feel for U Dee, my addict is someone I can walk away from, not a child. I cannot imagine staying with a husband who is an addict and chooses to remain an addict. At least a husband U can divorce, leave, whatever, U can't divorce your young child.
I think ppl need to remember, we are all in this together, and it is not helpful to bash or criticize anyone going thru this, we get enough of that from our addicts....sometimes we post things just to vent, not to be judged or preached at.
We all make mistakes, some without even knowing we are doing it, but to me it is unacceptable to not be supportive here. I am offended that Depressed would blame U for your sons choices, those who live in glass houses should NOT throw stones.
Just saying......(((((((hugs))))) to U Dee :)
My son, like yours, was raised not to abuse drugs and alcohol. I drilled it into his head. His father actually went to his school one day at lunch break and followed him down the street and stopped him in front of his friends because he was smoking cigarettes. Yet here he is, a heroin addict. My daughter, on the other hand, has never even smoked weed. There's only so much a parent can do. As you know, we can set all of the boundaries in the world, but we can not force our kids to follow them any more than DepressedRecluse could force her husband to stop drinking. If we could stop them, none of us would be on this site.
The late night phone calls are really hard choices. I've definitely had my share. Do we pick them up (enabling their choice to go out and get drunk)? Or do we leave them in a potentially dangerous situation? Each time it's a judgment call. I tend to warn him in advance that if he leaves, we're not picking him up and we're turning off the phone. That limits the calls.
You're right, though, that they can really put themselves in danger when they are drunk or high and determined to get home on their own. My son went to a hotel with his cousins a year ago in January about 50 miles away. They got drunk and he was pretty much out of control, begging me to pick him up at 2 am. He was threatening to walk home, 50 miles, in the middle of the night, in below zero weather. He was so out of it that I couldn't trust him not to actually do it. So, I finally drove the 100 miles round trip. A few months later he called me from a park in the middle of the night, drunk, throwing up and crying, begging me to come get him. He was on his way to a friend's apartment. That time I told him he had to spend the night with his friend (which he did). Another time, before he was 18, I told him I wasn't picking him up because he was using drugs. He actually walked to a police station and had them give him a ride home. The officer lectured me about the need to bring him home because he was my responsibility!
It really sucks to be in that situation. You're in so much stress that you need your sleep and you aren't going to get any either way. It also hurts to see your daughters be affected by this.
My son has finally decided to give sobriety a try, but it has only been 8 days. There's a very good chance I'll be right back in the same boat as you at any time. I pray that your son sees the light soon and that you find some peace.
and dee- I totally agree with donna.
and just like recovering and active addicts are oversensitive, so are we. SO everybody calm down.
all this is free advice, and sometimes we get what we pay for.
everyone carries their own burdens and hurts and guilts and pain. we all come from a place of imperfection.
I ask in advance for any feelings I hurt in the future, and appologize for any I have hurt in the past.
And sometimes we all visit crazy.
Hugs to everyone...we are all in the sinking boat together so lets work together to keep afloat.
Bail! Bail! bail! (is that spelt the same way as jail bail????)
I am sorry you are going through this. It's hard to see your family in this vicious circle and know that no matter how much you want to help you can't until they are ready to accept it. I will pray for your family and your son... Good luck.
I want to apologize to you for my arrogant and condescending reply to your post.
Recently I have been struggling with my own issues and I am not in a very good place mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. When I came on this evening I was going to post my thoughts into my own thread and the first thing I saw was the title of your post. Feeling the same way (...so drained...) I read your post and proceeded to post my ranting reply. I am so sorry.
After I read your two very LOUD replies, I went back and read my post. And you are right. I was wrong. I do not know you or your son. And I have no right to judge you or anyone else. I am sure that nothing I say now, can make up for what I said or for what you heard me say, but please believe me when I say that that reply was not directed at you. After reading and rereading it, I think it was directed more at me, as I said earlier I am struggling with my own issues and am angry at myself for my failures.
This is not an excuse, it's just an explanation. And I hope you accept my sincere apologies. Thank You.
Grace & Peace
Depressed Recluse
deehigs I really feel for you. My 18 year old son (I have divorced so to speak) is just as big as a nightmare as your son. My other 2 kids are a dreams, great kids. Thankfully I have the other 2 or I would think I had raised my eldest wrong. I hadn't. He was raised with the same love and boundaries as the other 2. The difference is he chose to be a screw up. He chose to be arrogant and abusive. He chose the life he now leads. I didn't lead him down that path. I tried my best to fill his life with promise and happiness. He chose the dark path all on his own.
The best thing I did for my other 2 kids was kick my eldest out. They hurt for a while and had a hard time understanding it all but after a few months, they started to enjoy the fact there was harmony in our home.
Those that believe that it is always the parents fault are misinformed. Yes there are times that it is but there are times when the bad kid has to stand alone for their actions. By always laying the blame on the parents you never make the kid or in this case, young man, own up to their actions.
As hard as it would be for your family, let him go. You cannot help someone who doesn't think there is a problem. Give him an ultimatum. Clean up his act and live by your rules or get out. Sounds simple but it is very hard to do. I know as I've done it and would do it all over again.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.
Whew... Just sayin'... Think about it...
Love you all, Kim