Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
I'm in the alcoholism support group on this site. I am 26 days sober, which I've never done before and am currently working through the 12-step program with a sponsor.
I have a close relationship with my mother, and a few days ago I decided that I would tell her about my alcoholism because I felt that no matter her response, my recovery would not be affected.
She has previously been a part of Al-anon because both my father and step-father have drinking problems. So, naturally she thinks she knows all there is to know about being an alcoholic. Its irritating, but I can deal with it. What I cannot deal with is that yesterday, we had an argument and it seems to me that she is using my alcoholism to define me. At one point, she said, Youre turning this all on mebut what I can I expect from an alcoholic. Later she said, Its not all about you. which is a comment Ive heard her repeatedly say about my step-father when discussing his drinking problems. Also, when I made a disagreeable comment to her when we were talking about something completely unrelated to alcoholism, she said, I know youre going through a tough process right now. which, in my opinion, was a complete deflection.
It seems as though everything I say that is negative or disagreeable will now be attributed to my alcoholism and taken with a grain of salt. Feels like shit coming from someone who is supposed to care about me and be supportive. Just because Im an alcoholic doesnt mean that all of my opinions and disagreements stem from that problem.
Is this acceptable? Is this how Al-anon teaches its members to deal with their alcoholic loved ones? I am going through a tough time, and yes, from time to time I will be nasty and can attribute it to alcoholism. But its not my only defining characteristic. Im a person focused on the solution; I dont have room in life for people who are focused on the problem.
I really did have a question but realize now how much I wanted to vent, so for that I apologize.
Anyway, my question, is how does al-anon teach you to deal with alcoholics when they are being negative and irritable? I cant imagine that blaming their disease and making repeated comments about it is the most appropriate way. In my opinion, if my mother was a part of Al-anon and did do the 12 steps, she didnt learn much. Thanks for listening.
I have a close relationship with my mother, and a few days ago I decided that I would tell her about my alcoholism because I felt that no matter her response, my recovery would not be affected.
She has previously been a part of Al-anon because both my father and step-father have drinking problems. So, naturally she thinks she knows all there is to know about being an alcoholic. Its irritating, but I can deal with it. What I cannot deal with is that yesterday, we had an argument and it seems to me that she is using my alcoholism to define me. At one point, she said, Youre turning this all on mebut what I can I expect from an alcoholic. Later she said, Its not all about you. which is a comment Ive heard her repeatedly say about my step-father when discussing his drinking problems. Also, when I made a disagreeable comment to her when we were talking about something completely unrelated to alcoholism, she said, I know youre going through a tough process right now. which, in my opinion, was a complete deflection.
It seems as though everything I say that is negative or disagreeable will now be attributed to my alcoholism and taken with a grain of salt. Feels like shit coming from someone who is supposed to care about me and be supportive. Just because Im an alcoholic doesnt mean that all of my opinions and disagreements stem from that problem.
Is this acceptable? Is this how Al-anon teaches its members to deal with their alcoholic loved ones? I am going through a tough time, and yes, from time to time I will be nasty and can attribute it to alcoholism. But its not my only defining characteristic. Im a person focused on the solution; I dont have room in life for people who are focused on the problem.
I really did have a question but realize now how much I wanted to vent, so for that I apologize.
Anyway, my question, is how does al-anon teach you to deal with alcoholics when they are being negative and irritable? I cant imagine that blaming their disease and making repeated comments about it is the most appropriate way. In my opinion, if my mother was a part of Al-anon and did do the 12 steps, she didnt learn much. Thanks for listening.
and they just want you to love them and act perfectly all day long.
later books, like courage to change, encourage more self growth and less doormat. I didn't care for some alanon things.
BUT my experience at family counceling at rehab was excellent...and I did learn that I have to address things, and let it go.
If you are so new in recovery, you really have to worry alot more about yourself and less about her.
just because she went to alanon, doesn't mean she grew.
and if you are such a newbie? excuse my french- she should shut the heck up. She can think whatever she wants, but she has to LET IT GO.
as for you...now you know she will be this way, and I am assuming you live together...you need to not get into these discussions. it is WAY too soon.
so what if you are grouchy...you don't get to be nasty to her either.
everyone deserves respect, and in my humble opinion it sounds like you two are doing a great disservice to each other. Keep it short, simple and separate...
and if you can't be around each other, find a sober living house. You need to do this.
Plus, do you really think she didn't know? she lived with other alcoholics? Please. I think her anger comes because she did know and probably is going thru the guilt thing we go thru when our kids are addicts.
again. my 2 cents worth and that is all it is worth.
One day at a time...let NOTHING come before your sobriety because you are worth it.
Peace (I know I don't sound so peaceful but I really do wish you the best)
And alcoholics come in all personalities..each one is different, just like normies.
Suffice it to say, in the preamble, one of the phrases of AlAnon is "we have become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it". But AlAnon does acknowledge that alcoholism is a family disease, and each of us suffers from it differently.
We each need to sweep our own side of the street clean, and that's a big enough job to do.
I agree that we are both doing a great disservice to each other, and like the advice to not have discussions anymore and to keep things separate and focus on myself.
I do, fortunately live with my boyfriend and a roommate who are both very supportive and are more solution focused. I will stay on track.