Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
my addict BF...threw one out of left field at me yesterday when he got home from work...i know things have been strained between us but still...it hurts...he told me he was going to go stay with his brother for about a week so we can both get some peace...peace from what? i don't know...he's the addict...he's the one who controls everything because i don't want to send him off on a binge...so needless to say i just spent the night crying and when i wasn't crying i was reciting the Lords Prayer so I could go to sleep...then this morning...his day off...he gets up and cooks himself breakfast...didn't make me anything to eat....then watched tv...then played a game....then went and got cleaned up and grabbed his boombox and keys...I asked him where he was going...who he got dolled up for and he just said he was going to his brother's house....so i'm left home alone to cry and feel sorry for myself and think about all this crap...and then i realized that his brother usually works half a day in the morning...he left at about 11:30...so there's no way his brother would be home...oh well another lie....like always...about 1:30 i looked at my phone and saw that he had called and left a message ?....so i listened to the message....HA....he hadn't called....he had apparently butt-dialed me!...anyway i could hear all these voices in the background...none of which were his brother...and i heard him...lying to these people...not that it matters cause it's not like they really care...but still...i could hear it in his voice...it's not the person i know and love...it's that addict person...the side of him that i love but can't stand...it's the one that does nothing but cause me pain and anger...and now i sit here all alone and powerless...i sent him a text message...that lets him know I know what he's doing and that i still love him...but I know that it won't be enough to stop him from doing what he's going to do....i'm so sorry that i'm just rambling on here, but aside from rambling to this board, i don't know what else to do...i love him sooo much...and it hurts just as much...
-DR-
-DR-
Instead become strong fake it until you make it, don't beg or nag it does no good. Decide you are not going to let him get you down. Think of where you want to be in 5 yrs still on this same road or eventually becoming stronger and by your becoming stronger he will either get his act together and come with you or you will leave him in your dust and be all the much happier.
It doesn't happen over night but it can happen. I am living proof.
I did read a good book on how to get your husband back, why they do what they do, it all worked he came back for 6 weeks and I made him leave. I was not the same person I had out grown him. We are still friends, he still does drugs but I am no longer in his drama.
You have the power to sit and be alone or leave and go out with friends. You have the power to realize that he lies to you just as much or more as you heard him lying to others.
You ask, peace from what? Peace to be an addict.
You say that because he is the addict he controls everything. He is out of control, his addiction is in control of him, and by doing everything you can to appease that addiction, you are giving control of your life, your own power, to his addiction.
I would strongly suggest that you attend Alanon. You are looking at this through the eyes of an addict. You say that you do everything possible to not set him off on a binge. What you do has nothing to do with a binge, except maybe that he has a nice warm home to come back to, and maybe some money for the next one. He uses drugs because he is an addict. Nothing you say or do has anything to do with it.
If you think that he is out there being a great guy to someone else, guess again. More than likely, he is simply making sure that if he gets tired of pretending that he is not as much of an addict as he is, or just wants to be on a continual binge, that he has somewhere else to be when you get to be too much because you, well, don't want him to be an addict, and that is not peaceful to him.
It should not be comfortable for you to live walking on eggshells. If it is, that is something you might want to ask "why" to, we often repeat what we know. And if you prefer walking on eggshells to not having him there, you might want to ask yourslef why you feel you deserve such a sad life.
Maybe not what you wanted to hear...I know, I have been where you are. But trust me when I tell you that this will not have a happy ending for you, and it will not just "get better."
Please get some help and support...Alanon is full of people who are and have been just where you are. Get with them and start getting the peaceful and wonderful life you deserve.
Good Luck...
I don't know...sometimes I think it's because I met him and got to know ...and fell in love with the real him...i met him when he was sober...he had been sober for about 5 years...and although I didn't know that he was a recovering addict...that's the person I fell in love with...the sober person....I just want that person back but that person disappeared when he relapsed...and i do see him every now and then he creeps out but then this addict person comes out...and stays out...and its this addict person that hurts me and treats me this way that I know I don't deserve!...
I'm sorry i'm just rambling again...
People come here for help, and they are in a place that many of us know. So it is not arguing, you are feeling what you are feeling, and we are telling you that we know, and we are suggesting things to consider from our experience of both being there and having moved on.
Alot of people think that this is about wanting to control everything. Okay, you say that the problem is that you can't control him. But I would ask you, are you in control of your life, your emotions? Seems to me that you have found a way to be out of control, to say that everything would be okay if he would just get clean.
I would like to point something out to you..you say that you did not know he was a recovering addict. I got to just say that is a little bit of a red flag, aside from the fact that he was not honest with you about something that you should have known. Did he ever give you reason for drug/acohol free? Where did he tell you he was going when he went to meetings, or did he not go? I got 15 years in, and anyone who visits my home, or gets to know me very well knows it. I don't wear it on my sleeve, but things just come up.
Just my experience, if someone does not tell someone they are suppsoed to be very close to that they are in recovery, it is either because they don't trust them enough, or because they don't want to account for anything, like a beer or two on Friday night, or a joint at their brother's party. But whatever the case, this addict has been lying to you the whole time you have known him, and that is what active addicts or people who are dry but not sober do, that is not what people in recovery do.
So my question would be, if you you are in control of yourself, why would you be with someone who has lied to you over and over? I would start there. No matter what anyone says, if you do not join a support group, and again, I am going to strongly suggest Alanon, you will continue to think that others do not understand exactly what you are thinking and feeling, I can't tell you how many "if they were only sober" increible people there are, and how many heartbroken people ther are that love them. Once you get that, it will start to get easier.
Good Luck...