Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group

Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...

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DepressedRecluse 03/22/2010

My relationship has been seriously strained for a very long time...and I keep trying to keep it together and make it work...the problem is that he's not working on it, helping, or even trying...

He is an addict...he has stolen from me, cheated on me, lied to me, done everything possible but physically abuse me...and stupid me puts up with it...

We go through very painful and costly issues...alone....we don't talk to anyone about it...and it's just growing, and festering...and getting worse...

I have tried everything and just don't know what to do anymore...

Because of his addication, i have come to realize that he is two different people...I call them Him #1 and Him #2...I deeply love and care for both of them...but i don't like Him#2 very much...I really don't. Him #2 is the addict, the one who does all this crap to me...and unfortunately HIM #2 is the one who has been here for at least the last 18 months...

and this last saturday...just completely killed me...I went on a Spring Break Mission Trip...and he decided to go out on Saturday night and do whatever it is he did...and when he got caught he just lied about it!!!! Totally and completely lied and continues to lie about it even though I've proved to him that i know he's lying!!!

and i think that is one of the things that has me so angry right now...it's all the lies and lying..

he does it to me, his boss, his family, everyone!!!!! and I just can't take it no more!

I love him...and I don't lose him...but I don't know how much more of this I can take...

-DepressedRecluse-

deleted_user 03/22/2010

I know exactly how you are feeling, as many of us on here do. If you need to talk, let me know.

deleted_user 03/22/2010

So when are you going to finally hit your bottom and stop allowing your addict to control, manipulate, lie, cheat, steal, along with all the other bs that active addicts do. What you can do is to get into alanon to get help and support for yourself. There is nothing you can do for an addict who continues to use. You don't want to lose him, why? Because you love him, we all love our addicts. Many of us have learned to stop enabling, and to let our addicts hit their bottom. The longer you enable and put up with all the hoopla and drama, the longer the addict will continue to use, control and manipulate you. If you can't take it, then get help for you. You can't cure, change, or control people, places or things, the only one you can get help for and control is you, so the sooner the better. I'm sure you think I am a cold, heartless person, who doesn't know or understand your situation - I have been on both sides of the fence, I've loved an addict, along with being a recovering alcoholic/addict for the past 22 years, as they say I have walked in your shoes. Stay strong and keep the faith.

mgs1 03/22/2010

He's addicted to drugs, your are addicted to him Both are harmful, crazy, insane, unhealthy, inappropriate and yet... you both engage in the same behavior. You cling to him. He clings to his drugs.
If you think about it, your rationalization for why you stay with him, is even more insane than his rationalization of why he keeps doing drugs. You are suffering consequences, he is not. You hopefully at some point will hit your bottom, a light will go off and you will realize how insane this relationship is.
You cannot change, cure or cause his drug use. You can change yourself. I agree wth Bcolliesmom, get to an Alanon meeting, get a sponsor and figure out what is lacking in your life that you put up with such inappropriate behavior. Trust me, it is not love.
True love does not have you feeling used, abused, angry and hurt.

DepressedRecluse 03/22/2010

thanks guys...i think maybe this is what i needed to hear...i don't like it but i will at least give it some serious consideration...

cokercola79 (love the screen name)
i'd love to talk to you also...anytime...except now ( i hope you understand)

bcolliesmom,
no, I don't think you're a cold heartless person...on the contrary, I think you're just telling me the truth which I don't want to hear...thanks for doing that...

mgs1,
wow...i NEVER thought of it that way...nor would I have ever thought of it that way...thanks.

it's just very hard for me to give up on something...especially this...so is there any shimmer of hope of things working out?...(sorry, it's just that I've always had a very stubborn and persistent attitude)...

thanks again,
-Depressed Recluse-

kidsintowe03 03/22/2010

as the other 2 women have posted....get out and get out now.

the only thing he is going to help you with is to help take you down with him. While you aren't a drug addict yourself, you feel needed by him right?? The problem is he NEEDS to get clean..and you NEED to put your life together without him in it! He is not going to do a damn thing till he wants to and right now, what's important, is using. There is nothing you can say or do that will change it.

Get out now while you aren't married to him or have children with this man. Trust me..you don't want to experience things we have experience.

I know we don't know each other, but believe me when I say, you deserve so much more in regards to your future with a man.

Hugs & Good Luck to you.

deleted_user 03/22/2010

You asked if there is a shimmer of hope - well that all depends on your addict - from the looks of it, he doesn't think he has a problem, he was only sober for a year when you got together, and it has been the addiction roller coaster from hell ever since, with no end in sight. You also said that the relationship has been strained for a very long time, so from reading this and giving you my opinion, there is no shimmer of hope for him, but there is for you. With the help of alanon and any other support you can get for yourself, you can get back on track with your life. Look here you might not want to give up on this, but like mgs1 said - for your sanity, it's something you seriously need to look at and act on.

katrinka 03/22/2010

I loved my AH and can relate to him #1 and him #2. Him #1 is funny, loving, is just great to be with but him #2 always came along for the ride to throw crap into the arrangement.
Finally I had to let my AH go because #2 was taking over #1 and the guy I fell in love with wasn't there much anymore.
I still miss the guy I loved but its so much more peaceful in my life now. I do not ever want to hide my stuff or put up with crap ever again.
So it all comes down to we can't fix the addict all we can fix is ourselves.

deleted_user 03/23/2010

Welcome, one thing you said struck home for me. You go thru this alone, you don't talk to anyone about it... I did that for so long, sweeping it under the carpet like it wasn't happening and it was eating me up inside. Changing me, scared, depressed, money problems, hoping #1 would come back and all would be well. When it got so bad, I started counseling, and talking to friends and family and coming here, to try and save what was left of me. I felt like I was being cruel, because it is a disease. He took me down with him. I'm away from him now and healing. Even when you KNOW the truth they still lie. The addiction is so powerful, it is their life. I am happier than I've been in years now, but still now complete. Save yourself, like everyone has said, let him hit rock bottom. We understand and are here for you. Good luck, take care...

deleted_user 03/23/2010

Hi Depressed,
You have got some great information here from some super people who have been there or are there.
I just wanted to say yes, you want to fix him, save him from himself. The thing is, you can't do it. Anymore then a parent can save their kid. It has to be their decision and no matter what you do say or try it will not change anything. So don't feel like your alone here, you have to look out for you and don't let him pull yo0u under with him because he will try. he will tell you anything you want to hear..but it's alie. Walk away while you can and tell him when he gets help to let you know. You watch from afar! With an addict "actions speak much louder then words" but you will be a stronger person and see it more clearly.
Stay tough and get the help you need, you have a lot of support here!! HUgs

deleted_user 03/23/2010

I just joined the group tonight for the very reason you're talking about. First of all, thank you so much for sharing and being so transparent. Reading this made me feel as if, maybe, I'm not alone. I'm probably not the best to give advice, because even my family and friends are saying I'm crazy for sticking around. Having said that, giving advice is sometimes easier than living the advice given:

Here is my advice: Do what makes YOU happy. Long term. Not short term. You lose who you are when you become a co-dependent and I honestly feel as it we talk too much about the addict and not enough about the spouses and children that have to live this miserable life. I'm sorry. I'm just so tired.

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