Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group

Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...

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Husband stopped in 2day

cisl4him
cisl4him
Well, my husband decided to throw a curve ball and stop in today for an hour and make small talk. He looked nice and of course I was attracted to him and wanted to go over and kiss him on the lips but I refrained. He said he was stopping by to see my son but he stayed and talked with me. We talked a bit about my decision to let us go. He mentioned he quit his job a the slum bar he was working as a bouncer. He said "I got tired of being around drunk people". You know I belive in forgiveness but I just cannot go through this addiction and bad behavior thing again. It would be so easy 4 me to forgive him and I can but no go back with him. I accidently sent him a text i meant to send to a friend . it said "I pray to God the intermittent pain I allow myself to feel over Bill will leave me soon" Maybe that gave Bill a green light to come over b/c he felt I still loved him.

I just do not know what he was trying to accomplish today? He has put me through living Hell for the past 6 months with his drug use, not answering phone 4 two days. ect. I just wish he would go into rehab.
katrinka
katrinka
Like you said he was testing the waters seeing if you'd fall back into the old pattern.
You might consider telling him to call first before just showing up. Sometimes its better out of sight, out of mind.
cisl4him
cisl4him
Yup...you got it. I think u are so right! He must be so bored and broke now that he is not working at that bar. I almost puked when the female bartender made this really sad face when the guy asked her "hey , have you seen Bill"? She said "no, and frowned like a little girl who just lost her best friend. Althoough she didn't seem pissed or jealous when I said "tell him cissy stopped by". ps. I know it was stupid to stop and and actually it was my first time ever since he started so for me that showed great restraint.

However, I JUST CANNOT believe he came in and layed on the couch looking all sexy. I hate that b/c it makes me crazy. Then that dumb text " sorry, memories cut like a knife"..but last night when I called x2 he didn't pick up and didn't respond to texts and said he got them this morning. He lies so much. Why do I still miss him?
katrinka
katrinka
You have a long history with him, and you are gonna miss him. There were good times and bad times and as a way of protecting ourselves we tend to remember the good times and forget all about the bad.
I had to write the bad times down while they were happening so I wouldn't forget them. It really is easier with less contact.
My ex called at Thanksgiving and it was hard hearing his voice. I was a little sad for what we lost. Back happy now its been a few weeks and I know I do not need to talk to him it just stirs up old wounds and memories.
I think your doing great it is normal the way you are feeling.
cisl4him
cisl4him
Katrinka...you know what, actually..I am thinking of the bad times and that is keeping me from going back to him. I think of when he threw me out on my ass and got a restraining order and what he did this time. True though that I also miss certain things too, mostly the first 10 years of our marriage.

I'm glad you got over your ex 's phone call and thank you for telling me you think I am doing great.
deleted_user
deleted_user
There is a study I think about a lot. I can't remember the details but basically, the outcome was that if you reward animals every time they do something, they keep trying to do it for the rewards. During the study, they messed up, though, and forgot the rewards sometime. What they found was that when you intermittently reward animals, they try A LOT harder than the ones who get a reward every single time. I wonder sometimes about being married to or dating an addict - like maybe we feel stronger about them because we are intermittently rewarded with good instead of getting it all the time (or never).
blueviolet725
blueviolet725
ohhh, that is a very interesting idea.
how we are all patterned.
cisl4him
cisl4him
bhamguy...the problem in my situation is my husband was a happy go luck addict. In the beginning years he used pot and it was all good. Then he got addicted to narcotics when he suffered from chronic pain and he was always mello. The cocaine and adderall is what turned him in Dr. Jeckle , Mr. Hyde...but overall he has been very giving to me. You may laught but he actually seemed more of the giver in our relaitonship or maybe I have been manipulated. I think maybe manipulated. I have heard of that study and I do believe there is a lot of truth in conditioning behavior.