You've started just by asking the question. I can't really advise you on specifics - like financial or logistical things that I know nothing about in your case - but I can give a little support on the issue of emotional detachment. While I did not grow up with an addict, I did experience growing up with a bipolar parent. The thing I learned to do (it isn't easy) when he was spewing nastiness or just hostile and silent for months, was to picture what "average" people might be doing or saying instead. My parent glared and skulked around angry and made weird, angry pronouncements based on conversations he was obviously having in his head. Other people's parents nagged them to do their homework or asked how the day was at school. Rather than making me mad, thinking about "normal" people helped me to know that it was not about me. It was his illness talking. When addicts make you respond emotionally, it can be helpful to remember it has nothing to do with you. You are being insulted or threatened or cajoled or begged by an illness. You could be the very best person in the world and that illness would still insult, threaten, cajole or beg. You could be the worst person in the world and the illness would insult, threaten, cajole or beg. It IS detached from you. The trick is remembering.

Bpull...
I had the same situation years ago. I would get off the phone and be a disaster. I was filled with anger and rage from the childhood I lived. And then the next day I would call again. I was used to being beaten up emotionally everyday. Until one day I just couldn't take it anymore. I had to totally cut myself off. I stayed away for two years. It was like detoxing for me. Someone told me that it was like a steam engine with a cap put on it. One day it would explode. And it did. Detaching for me was a choice. Continue or change the circumstances.

I eventually talked to her again on and off for years. I picked people in my life that I respected and tried to learn from them. She's gone 7
Years ago today. I can't say the way I was raised still doesn't creep up on me from time to time. It does. Makes me sad for a mom I
Never was able to have normal with. I wish I could have had the mom daughter thing. I feel cheated. But I have a granddaughter now. I do things with her I wish I could have with my
Mom. So God blessed
Me with her.

No secret to detach. When you have enough you will know and you will do it

sometimes when my kids are miserable, in my mind I think:"sucks to be you"..."it isn't happening to me"....
the short and sweet of it? I try to visualize water sheeting off of black plastic...that is the negativity....going. I say "water off a duck's back"
It took practice, but I learned it when did direct sales.

why give their illness the power to ruing such a large circle of innocent people?
it takes practice. you CAN do it!

bpulli, how very odd you'd post this discussion topic today. I was thinking the same thing about my dad, my older brother, my younger brother, and my sister-in-law.

I realized something. Addiction isn't a personality trait. All of the people I mentioned above have serious personality disorders as well as addiction. Long story short, my sister-in-law is sober now which makes her a sober, codependent narcissist with major depression, impulse control issues, and anger management problems. She's pretty much a bitch. A sober bitch...but still.

My 'brand' of detachment is not singling her out. I don't spend time around any codependent, narcissistic, angry people who don't have any insight into how their choices affect others or any idea what empathy means.

My Achilles heel is thinking 'I should...'. Like, I should forgive, forget, move on, blah, blah, blah...

The idea I can do better 'next time' is ridiculous and that one is on me. I decided there is no next time. That took the pressure off of me to solve the problem. When I began focusing on my ability to tolerate not communicating with the people I mentioned above, things got better.

I guess my advice is to focus on yourself if you want a clean, permanent break. A serious detachment is difficult. Keep an eye on managing how frustrating it is to stop 'trying' to salvage the relationship. I feel like the 'trying' part is what's repeating for you. It's like you know you will never succeed, but there's something noble or worthwhile about trying. My personal opinion, it's not worth it.

Focus on yourself and maybe check in with a therapist to keep track of how you're feeling. I hope this makes sense.

this has been a really enlightening and insightful discussion. I also wanted to mention that I read some books on Buddhism. They specialize in detachment.

Thank all of you. I didn't talk to mom at all yesterday but thought of her constantly. I know she will call tomorrow as it is the day she is due to pay and she doesnt have all of the money. She gave me some money to put up for her months ago while she was clean and I think she must have forgotten about it. I won't give it to her for that but I may pay her rent and utilities with it. She has a rent house that she moved out of to get away from that so if I don't pay her rent she may end up back over there as the girls lease is up in March. She did good as long as she didn't have a car.