Wow dmatt i struggle with the very same issue. My son 18 addict has been doing well for 86 days today and i am thrilled about that but i too find it hard to trust him. I want to but I guess it is just going to take a long time of him proving himself by doing the right thing. He has been doing the things we discussed such as checking in at pre-determined times and letting me know who he is with and where and i used to argue with him alot when he was using because he would say I treated him like a baby w/ the checking in rule etc... now he never complains about it because i'm sure he knows in his heart that I am right to need to check in on him I know he can use at any time and it is really up to him to want his recovery but i also feel i'm not going to make it easy on him to relapse or fall back into old bad habits with bad influences. The thing that makes me feel happy is that he is back with his old friends that wanted him to get help and not the guy who was twice his age and he was working with who was encouraging him to use at 1st when he got caught by us he was defending that guy saying he has a problem too hes really a nice guy etc.. but just last night he said to me that the guy was no good and he never wants to hear from him again so there is always hope the longer they stay off it the more they seem to come to their senses and realize how things really are Good Luck with your son I will keep him in my prayers for recovery too! hugs Dee

I was going to ask the same type of question. I've seen my person in recovery for up to 5 months but the 'addictive behaviors' like lying about where they are and doing risky/shady stuff didn't seem to stop even then. We've had a lot of conversations where this is supposed to be the big talk - the one where everything is revealed and there are no more lies. The "Don't you feel great - it's all in the past now and we have a new future!" talks... The problem is I have to find evidence/proof of a lie to trigger the conversation and then what I get is an admission that what I found is real and they did it. But getting a voluntary, out-of-the-blue honest talk doesn't seem to happen (at least not yet).

The pattern is crazy frustrating because I think when our addicts get caught in a lie and "come clean" but don't tell us everything, WE feel happy and relieved at that moment but they don't. We think we've turned a corner but they know they are still hiding & lying so they never get the peace that comes with honesty. As a result, honesty is painful and they don't like it (because they aren't really doing it!!). In their head, the options are (1) hide it all or (2) reveal some of it and still feel like a bad person. If they could just do #3 (actually open up) then they could feel the peace and rewards of honesty!

I have to say, I am lucky in this area, once i figured out what was going on, my husband has mostly been honest with me.....even when it was ugly to hear (after the fact, of course). probably because there aren't any consequences (I am SUCH a codependent!) so he has isn't risking anything by telling me the truth, lol! We always had an incredibly honest relationship though, before pills came into play. My guess is they are motivated by shame, plus if they actually admit to what they are doing, they will have to stop living in denial and admit there is a problem. Who knows. I have other trust issues with my husband, and they too are threatening to break my marriage. Maybe its just as hard to be honest as it is for us to trust? Another vicious cycle.

Counselors in rehab told me six month to a year before a person is considered "clean and Sober". And usually before a lot of the old behaviors disappear. My ex and I worked on that, even when he got out of rehab he would lie about stupid, unimportant things. And I called him on every one. The counselors had us work on that...because trust is one of the last things (if ever) to get back. And 74 days is nothing. It's great he has that start. But I would suspect his head is just beginning to clear. Right now, his struggle is staying clean minute by minute. I would expect nothing more from him at this point. I talked to a good friend. It took her brother several years to trust her again. And several years of not doing the old behavior to gain that trust. And her ex just had one year clean and sober and she told me that even though he's not using the "addict" behavior is still very big with him. Bottom line, it takes a long time.

I need to find some developers to help me write the iAddict app for iPhone that records everything they do and speaks up when they are talking and it doesn't match. Like when they say, "I just went to a closed AA meeting", the app could say, "No she didn't. She was at coordinates matching her friend who is on your google document list of 'bad characters' and then visited coordinates that correspond to Starbucks near but not at the actual 7pm AA meeting coordinates." I think I will make a fortune.

That's why it's so important to continue detaching from the addict,,, when I talk to my daughter, I take a moment , and think who I am talking to,,, the addict or my daughter,, just because an addict is not using they often still have the addict tendencies,,, think about it,, they have lied so long(which is their survival tool) that they believe their lies,,,, an addict will always be an addict,, don't interrogate, just ask simple questions,, when they are not using,, they do have a concience,, and eventually during the conversation the truth will come out,,,,

Patience, love,,

Kim

Thank you my friends, Always so comforting to hear your warm input. And Love the App idea, but do we really need the app? somehow our heart always knows the truth,its just really hard to swallow sometimes. And I know it takes time and recently the medical community consider early recovery 1-2 years now after research atnd watching the amount of time it takes for the brain to repair itself, so as our mantra goes, One day at a time. Love you all, Dee.

Bhamguy, Awhile back I found an ap for Ipod to help addicts in recovery. I thought it looked pretty good.
Some people lie even if they aren't using drugs or drinking this is how they are. Since most addicted people have other mental issues and usually it is these issues that are behind the addiction so some people are never going to be truthful. They are always going to find a way to get or do what they want and if lying is the answer so be it.
Others are going to get clean and in time build back up the trust of everyone around them.