It is a fine line of being supportive, letting your guard down and then just becoming an enabler. I too have had to deal with family that were going through the motions..... rehab and meetings are not enough.... for many they just serve as a cover. It is ONLY when the person decides to change for THEMSELVES period.
It is not logical to me that even a child means little to an addict. I have not attended the meetings but my significant other just attended because they were mandatory after a DUI. I only felt that when he reached a point to HONESTLY talk to me about his problems that I was less nervous. I still question if he falls asleep in his chair after work, he once stumbled and I semi- casually went over to kiss him to see if I could smell or taste anything on his breath. it has been a 3+ years but each time he is late from work or gone longer then expected I wonder. I still look through his receipts and will become super alert if gum or breath mints are ever purchased.
Over the top?? maybe but I would do this again and again instead of wondering if I could have done something after a relapse or an accident where others or he is injured or killed.
does he feel un-trusted ... YES the question is does he know why ? in my instance yes he does and accepts that the destruction of my trust in him after close to 30 years does not come back because he completed a course of meetings.... WHEN you feel she is honest with you about things and not saying what you want to hear you can ease up but I feel anyone who does not keep at least one eye open on a addict or alcoholic they are risking it all over again.

It's natural to be mistrusting and skeptical when they are in rehab. It's also natural to be angry for what they have done. However, now is the time to put her recovery in the hands of
Her counsellors.

My opinion is they feel bad enough about themselves that they don't need us to constantly remind them of
All their mistakes while they are finally doing something positive to get help. I found being more open to discussions with my son and back burner the nagging and criticism has gotten him much further along in his recovery. I remind him every time I see him or speak to him how proud I am and love him more then everything.

Can you do some family meetings with her? If not alanon? For families who struggle with an addict. Or naranon.

I know it seems like she uses her meetings as a social group. And true to an extent. To get well they need to bond with others who are trying to save their lives too. It's how it works. They need the support with people they can relate to. Part of the meeting is getting to know those you can call if you feel you want to use it are having a bad day.

What's the worst that can happen if you changed the way you deal with her? It frees up time for you to relax and breathe and trust that she will do what she has to. And if she doesn't you will know faster then you know.
Try praise. Keep hope. She's trying

It takes years to build up trust again...but I tried, key word, tried, to not nag. Once in a while I would ask a question...I just tried to do a lot of positive reenforcement.
I did feel like AA was a big social thing...but then, he couldn't be social at bars anymore, so why not? what I realized is that I had cut off all my social support because I had been so busy dealing with his addictions, jail etc.
About two years later, he climbed into my car, when I was in his state to visit family...and he smelled funny and looked bad, real bad....and I almost had a heart attack. It turned out, his roomate at his sober living had OD'd and died. his buddy. and when he said "I have something bad to tell you" I thought it was going to be he was drinking again...and it was John Boy died. And THEN I felt awful because I was relieved....(and then proceeded to worry he would go back)
ANYWAY...IF,IF, IF she is working a program, she will be called on stuff and have to deal with it and go through turmoil...and you will see changes. The first year is just trying to stay sober, the second year is the steps and the third is figuring out how you screwed up so bad in the first place and how to live a balanced life.
ANything you feel is fine. Taking it out on her, is not.
At least she is socializing with sober- or trying to be sober folks.
give yourself a break from worry, and you don't have to let your guard down...but you are not her gatekeeper and she is over 21, and you have NO control...so let as much go as you can.

It's good for the meetings to be a way of "socializing and hanging out". That means that she's learning new ways to be friends. Building a support system of people who also have the same issues and are trying to find a new way.

Is she living with you? If not, then what are you nagging her about?

As for distrust...good. People earn trust. It shouldn't just be thrown at them.

Of course if you feel like practicing "trust" you could give me your wallet, let me take all of your money (I could really use some new clothes and a meal out...). Hey I promise not to take any money. But if I do, you can just give me your wallet tomorrow...practicing "trust"...

The is a fine line (at least it's fine in my opinion) between constructive support and enabling.

For starters she needs to do the rehab process of free will and in her own. Other than an organized family program your should have little to no involvement with her recovery process.

I recommend you don't engage her in manipulative conversations. Toy cm be kind without enabling. That doesn't mean you trust her. In fact that trust is far far in the future after a long steady road to her recovery.

Decide what your boundaries are and enforce them. Boundaries are for your protection and her childs and in her best interest. Boundaries are not a punishment . Create a set of rules 8n your life and your home that you can live with.

Love her through this and don't let go of hope

Oops moveon122 I had almost the same "opening line". I guess great minds think alike.

Patti22 To answer your question, yes she lives with me and so does my precious grandson. I don't nag about drugs I nag about trying to get her to do things around the house to help me out. I take care of my grandson from the minute he wakes up until I go to work
from 3 to 11:30-luckily I work from home. I do all the shopping, cooking, dishes, cleaning, laundry in addition to working . She does nothing even leaves dirty diapers on the floor instead of simply putting them in the trash.I let her sleep in because everyday she has a new ailment-migraine, insomnia, stomach problems, anxiety. She has no job so I financially support both of them adding to my frustration and my nagging. She's like a JR high schooled. I'm positive she could never survive on her own and I've resigned myself that I will be taking care of her and raising my grandson until the day I die.
I do all this to help her get thru recovery. She's been clean and keeping all her counseling appointments for a year now and I do tell her how proud I am of her.

I am concerned about her "sleeping in" and also not taking any responsibilities. That's a bad sign. Are you sure she's legitimately passing those drug tests? When they are clean they don't do that. They help they raise their kids they take pride in themselves and surroundings.

Reading you last post has me wondering. Does anyone actually see her take the test? My son used to tape a bottle of someone else's urine to his leg. Or detox drinks. How often do they test her. Do they do surprise tests.

My opinion is you are enabling this behavior in your home. I know sometimes it's easier then fighting them. Until you stop she won't begin. If you want changes you need to be the change. I would start with giving her a list of expectations. Perhaps spring a text of your own on her with no warning. If she refuses you have a problem. If she takes it watch her. Don't give her time to Manipulate the test.

I'm having trouble with what you wrote believing she's working any program.

Hmm, tough one.

Reward Chart?

Sounds childish, but some addicts are immature.

IDK, I have no answers, only support.

***Oh and you have NO REASON to feel guilt. Sheesh. You're the hero in this situation!!!***

The drug tests are random. She calls in everyday. I did give her $40 to pay for them and she gave me the receipt. She is so fragile. Any question or doubt upsets her and sends her into a deep depression. I'm scared she'll give up if she feels no one believes in her or even worse. She's told me she knows her son would be better off without her. All I can do is support her and hope for the best. I feel so helpless. Everyone in the family has turned their back on her. I'm all she has left and I don't know how to help her.

Patti...I'm not sure where you got a reward chart. Expectations mean to me rules.

Random tests are good. But there is a difference in being clean VS being in recovery. Recovery is working her program. In my opinion from what you write she isn't doing what someone working the program does. So she really isn't in recovery. She's just not using. How long do you thing with her lifestyle it will be until she does?

I'm not saying she isn't fragile. I don't know her. What I do know is how an addict can manipulate to get their way. Is she fragile in her meetings that you say she socializes at? Or just home where you do all the work? Seems you are walking on eggshells to not upset her. However you want to term it...its enabling. You do all the work and resigned yourself to this life. If you want your daughter to grow up and be an adult you have to treat her like one. Mothering her isn't helping. She's a mother and needs to step up.

When you say that you resigned yourself to this life...makes it sound like (to me) you have given up on her. I know you must be burned out with everything you are doing. I got tired just reading the work you do. Trust me she needs you to be strong and push her. She needs someone to get tough on her who makes her live up to her own obligations. I'm have a son who is 35. Used for 21 years. He's a man. Not a child. Is he fragile? Only when he tries to play me and pull that card.
You asked how you can support her and get rid of your resentment. stop enabling and start taking care of you. Been there done that and wished I would have done it sooner.