Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
I had to ask my daughter leave again after a recent relapse. She was in a sober house for 6 months and I let her come home, she was doing really well but it only lasted 4weeks before she got high again. I had told her before I let her come home that if she couldn't follow the rules she had to leave. I don't think she thought I meant it because I had said it so many times before but never went through with making her leave.
After many years of her behavior and causing so many problems in my house I had finally had enough. She is now back in the sober house but I don't think she gets what happened. She called me this afternoon crying and wanted to come over and talk but I told her no. I told her I am not the person she needs to be talking to right now because I haven't gotten over my anger and I don't know how I am ever going to trust her again. Then she played the I need my Mom card and tried to make me feel guilty.I asked her if she was thinking about me or her son when she was getting high and she had no answer for me. How do I get over my guilt, I still love my daughter with all my heart but I don't know how to handle this. I have never felt like this before. Am I ever going to get over this feeling of loss and disappointment?
After many years of her behavior and causing so many problems in my house I had finally had enough. She is now back in the sober house but I don't think she gets what happened. She called me this afternoon crying and wanted to come over and talk but I told her no. I told her I am not the person she needs to be talking to right now because I haven't gotten over my anger and I don't know how I am ever going to trust her again. Then she played the I need my Mom card and tried to make me feel guilty.I asked her if she was thinking about me or her son when she was getting high and she had no answer for me. How do I get over my guilt, I still love my daughter with all my heart but I don't know how to handle this. I have never felt like this before. Am I ever going to get over this feeling of loss and disappointment?
I know that feeling. I'm there with my 35 year old. Although he's in treatment I don't have any trust left.
For me I know I never really set strong boundaries with him. I would always say this or that and then run to his rescue.
He was coming out of jail (I know it's not the same as a sober house). He needed a place to stay. As you read the hardest thing was driving him to a shelter. I was overwhelmed with guilt and emotions I didn't want to deal with. He was crying. I could see him choking on tears. He played in my motherly feelings for a few days. I still didn't give in. As one of the counselors in my others sons programs coached me in was scream and cry if you have to when you are alone. But not in front of him. He is after all a master manipulator.
Your daughter knows the heart strings to pull. Just like mine. She wants to find your breaking point. Then she success at crossing your boundary. She needs to know that you mean what you say.
You could talk to her when you cool down. Tell her you love her. But in no uncertain terms is she stepping foot back into your house. (You do know that most sober homes are filled with active users?). She can go back into treatment and you will offer support but not your home. The goal to sober living is to get a job and get back into society. My guess is that she isn't. if you feel strong enough to talk on the phone set boundaries. For example....ill talk to you if...you stop making your problems mine. Or if you start to complain and blame me I will hang up. Each time setting a boundary. Dont do it if you can't follow thru. When my son used to yell at me I would hang up. He would call again and I would say yell again and I won't talk to you until you respect me. It stopped.
When and IF you feel you would allow her to see her child do it with more strong boundaries. Public place. If she's high you leave. And so on.
As for your guilt it's hard I know. This wasn't the idea we had in mind when we had them. We always feel maybe we could have done this difference or that. But we do our best to set them off in the right direction. Drugs were and are her choice. I tell my son don't play the mom guilt card of if you loved me....blah blah. Because he has a child he's done nothing for. How can he want me to help him as an adult when he doesn't help his own?
I'm sure you are deeply hurt and very disappointed. I can relate. But guilt? You have no reason to feel guilty. She had a home opened up to her and she blew it. Just like my son did when he went back to jail that last time. Now it's time to grow up.
Are we ever going to get over it? I ask myself that everyday. I feel bad sometimes because he's in treatment now. (Can't count how many we've done. There's been numerous). I think because of the amount of times and the things he's done I'm not so ready to just say good boy. He's got a lot of proving to do for me to take him serious. I love him but don't like what he has done. If he wants me in his life he needs to earn it. After 21 years of this his month of treatment hasn't even scratched the surface.