Welcome. If he is still stealing, your instincts are correct, he is still using.
It sounds terrible to say, but jail gives them a time sober, and it might wake him up...It did not stop my son. He tried, and was clean for 2 months and then returned to drinking. He was 18 as well.
First of all, you must be reacting with a lot of guilt. Molestation and him using drugs. BUT, he is an adult now and all his choices are out of your control. I always say that if loving them were enough, none of us would be here. Don't be embarassed, this is an insane disease. Just love him and learn NOT to enable him. You can't cahnge what will happen with the courts. And I promise, if you stick with us, we will try and help you learn to survive this experience...I personally had that stupid sone "whtaever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger" playing full blast in my head sometimes.
I would suggest some Al- anon books and something peaceful for you. You can only take care of you. Lock up your money.
I do have a painful question, are you sure he only does pot? and drinks? my son tried almost everything.
I know it is hard not to worry. i got a little statue of a hand, and I literally kneeled on the floor and put my hand it that one and asked God to look after him (placing my son in God's hands) rather than carry it alone. Also, once my husband got on the same page as I was, we worked as a team, instead of keeping things from each other to not worry the other partner.
Others will chime in. I must go get ready for work.
SOrry that you need us, glad that you found us. Welcome.

So sorry for you. It will take you a while to get rid of the guilt. If you're like me; I had a hard time. Thinking I could fix my son's problems; if only I could find the right treatment, or fix him up with some righteous people. Nope. Guess what! Only your son can change his life; and he (sounds like) doesn't want to change. If he goes back to jail; it really is the best for him.
My son is in jail (for the second time) although the first time was for burglary. He was hanging with the wrong kind of people. My sons has gone through a wonderful change while in prison and has grown up and is proclaiming responsibility.
Please let it go; let GOD be your witness, let HIM work his magic through prayers. In the meantime, you should find things that get your mind off of this; music, exercise, volunteer; but do something for YOU.

I am suggesting you attend an Al-Anon meeting for parents and see if you can find some help there. Please try at least 6 meetings before deciding if it is for you or not. My heart aches for you and I know it is worrisome to go through this with your son. My addict is my daughter and if not for Al-Anon, I would be in a loony bin myself by now. My thoughts are with you.

Thank you all. He has done other drugs, back when he was spiraling completely out of control stealing, B&E, vandalizing - he was really acting out! That is when everything came to a head - I had an investigator come to us. He was expelled from school. It was one crazy thing after another to the point I thought if I got one more phone call I would have a complete breakdown. Now he has lost most of his friends but with the wonderful world of technology he just has someone bring him his pot or alcohol when I am not around. I do not think he is doing other drugs right now - even though he does steal sometimes. He has had to take time off work to do community service so he has had no money to buy his fix. That is why it is only $20 here or there. But he definitely has addict in him - I have had addict friends in the past. I know this behavior and the mentality all too well. When he was on other drugs he was really crazy and reckless with horrible temper tantrums and moods. All of that has subsided - so I just don't think so now. I just think he has no conscience to steal $20 from us to buy weed - he thinks we are made of money or something.
I cried when I read your responses. Do I really have to dig my heels in and deal with this for a lifetime? Oh my... I don't know if I can. :(

Oh, you won't have to deal with it...HE will.
3 times before he goes back to the judge? My son was ONCE. And he got sentenced to the full time on his charge.
I was stupid enough to think "oh good" when he dropped all his drugging and "only" drank.
The insanity of addiction can be overcome.
My son is now well over 4 years sober.
Don't give up hope. While they are alive there is hope.
And do commit to taking care of yourself and the rest of your family. The more you tend to his every need, the more crazy you get and the worse he will get. Until they get sick of dealing with the full consequences of their actions, they have no reason to change.
Vent, rage, cry, share here...but work to bring peace to your life...we are on a journey just as hard as the addicts...and we can only save ourselves.

Hi jmom, welcome to our "family". Sorry you are going thru this. We all are in some way or another, and the friends I've made on this board have saved my sanity. (My son, 22 now, Heroin, 3 felonies, in jail for the 3rd time) I am so sorry about what your son suffered in his earlier childhood! That in itself has definitely shaped his self image, but can't really be blamed for his choice to commit Robbery and do drugs... To answer your "lifetime" question, yes... Addiction is a lifetime struggle for our kids. I hope you will learn to "detach" from your addict and take care of yourself.. Keep posting.. We care!

Hi jmom and welcome. You are where I was a year ago June. My son now 19 is currently serving 2 years in prison for doing and pulling the same crap as your son has; only my son's antics made headline news in our local paper and on the radio so I can truly relate to how you're feeling. The bottom line with how things played out for my son after he turned 18 was b/c he disregarded all our boundaries and we couldn't control or help we cut him loose and let him spiral out of control. He is now being forced to figure it out or risk spending the rest of his life behind bars. We figure either way he'll be safe - out & sober or back in and sober. As for me and hubby we are trying to re-build our lives and relationship after going through 6 years of Hell on Earth...

We love him and will never give up hope - but the choice is his and his alone. Besides, I'm getting too old and too tired to put up with any more of his crap - I just want to be happy & live my live without drugs or drama...

I'm sorry to tell you this. You will never feel normal again because addiction changes the very fabric of our life. My son went to his 4th rehab in June. He got out July 18, and on the 21st he went to yet another halfway house. He was there until last night, when we got a call from the house manager to tell us my son had tested positive for opiates (my son is a heroin addict). We had told him he could not come home if he got kicked out of this halfway house. Since he's on probation, and using constitutes a violation, we fully expect him to end up in jail soon. He's already served 6 months, and even that didn't deter him from using again. I don't know at this point if anything will. He had enough money for a hotel last night and tonight. After that, I don't know what will happen to him. But nothing we have done, not the tens of thousands of dollars we have spent on his recovery, not the love and understanding we have shown him through these past 4-5 years, nothing we have tried has made him stop. He had everything to lose this time--a place to live, food, warmth, a support system--and yet he chose to risk it all.
My husband and I have been going to Nar-Anon for 2 years now. Yes, we have learned that we didn't cause his addiction nor can we control or cure it , but it's so hard to feel happy when this emotional wound is rubbed raw continually. But happy or not, our life has to go on. We have to perform our jobs, and we can't fall apart because...well, because we just can't. So we have learned to function with the grief, the guilt and the worry. And sometimes we get to put them aside...and remember how we used to be for just a little while.
I'm very sorry for your pain.

this website is here to offer you support. We have all been in your shoes and most of us are further along. We will try and offer you hope when we can but most of what you will read is going to be hurtful. This is a storm that never stops and you have to find your footing in it so you don't get washed away in that storm. The number one thing you can do to help your son is learn about enabling. For years I thought I was helping my son and later on found out I was enabling him. When I was first confronted with this I was so offended. I thought I WOULD NEVER enable my son but what I did not realize was that every time I helped him out of a jam or did for him what he should have been doing for himself I was simple enabling him. He started with pot at age 12 and by 18 it was Heroin. We have gone broke trying everything and nothing worked. Why did it not work? Because we his parents were doing everything for his recovery while he sat back and got sicker and sicker. IF your son is to recover it has to be HIS choice in HIS time.
Find a good support group and learn everything you possibley can about this illness, there are things you can do that will make you feel better but if you don't take care of yourself this disease will take you down with it. We are all here for you so fire away with all the questions you have . You are not alone, you did not cause this you can not cure it but you can learn to live with it by detaching emotionally from your son.
So sorry you are here but we will all try and help you get through this one day at a time...
Marg

Welcome! Your words permeate my heart because almost 2 years ago I was where you are, and I am here to tell you never give up hope and YOU can change your destiny you can't change his. My dear friend here gave me the greatest advice and told me to look myself smack in the mirror and as I loud as I could yell STOP! And when I did I looked at this person that had lost 20 lbs, looked like hell in a handbag but most of all was becoming addicted to my sons addiction, I was trying to save the wrong life, I needed to save me first in order to have the clarity to stop enabling and set boundaries. My friend said to me heater day no one would never know the journey you have been on, you are always together, perfect family, great career, all together, but no one knew the pain and anguish . Every day I say the serenity prayer and for me it takes on a different meaning, but it gives me the strength that I need to understand that I can't control my sons destiny only he can, what is normal? My life and my families life will never be the same, but we have created a beautiful new life. You can do this! My best friends and angels are all here.

I appreciate the responses. Some of them do hurt - but they are things I already know deep down. Have I enabled? Yup. Have I helped him out of every jam he has been in? Yup. I am trying to cut him off financially. I still pay for his cell phone. He only has one pair of jeans that fit him and they have holes. I have refused to buy him new clothes because he can work and spend his money on clothes instead of pot or beer... he isn't even charged rent right now. I haven't given him any cash in two weeks. His dad did - but we discussed that and we are going to stop. I bought him shoes and a hat with birthday money for his birthday (because I refused to hand over cash to him). You know, when he was like 15 he hocked his flatscreen tv for drugs? I didn't even know it for a while. I have been through 4 years of hell. He was a soccer player in our very small community... he got expelled from school. Everyone knows him and our family. He as very shunned and that helped the situation spiral without a doubt. And I know what happened to him when he was little is WHY he smokes pot. At least it is how he started. He was hurt and mad and confused inside - and when he found this way of coping that is what he did. He didn't just use pot - he was doing coke, acid, ecstasy, prescription pain meds and valium. These are things I know about. I also know he is not doing them now - I could always tell when he was on something. Yet he continues to smoke pot violating his probation and risking going to jail. It is like he can't control it! I am so sick of worrying over it. I am trying to stop worrying and let him deal with his actions. It is really hard. We went on a mini vacation this weekend and he got one of his friends to meet us there and they slipped out and he got high. I was so angry at him. Then he comes back and it is like what do you say? The same old bitch out session we have had every single day for the last 1100 days? It is like I can't relax at all. I am exhausted. And you know what? I am 40 years old. I look in the mirror and I have aged these past 2 years terribly - I think it is directly related to the stress and exhaustion - and that depresses me too (I don't want to look older than my friends/family the same age!!)

Welcome to our group although I'm sorry you have to be here. There are some wonderful ladies here with a lot of knowledge, and we will help you through this journey. Keep coming back and posting, perhaps find an Alanon group near you. They will give you a lot of support there too. It's hard when our kids are addicts, I have one daughter who is an addict, and a son that has passed from cocaine in 2006. We can love our kids to death by enabling them, supporting them financially, etc. As sad as it is going to jail may be the best thing for him right now. Set firm boundaries with your husbamd on board, and follow through with what you say. Otherwise the addict will walk all over us. I would stop paying for the cell phone if it was me, and let him know he needs to get a job. When they see that they can no longer manipulate us parents and you're going to follow through with what you say, things will begin to change. It will only escalate until you do these things and we become just as sick as them. My heart goes out to you, and wish you and your family peace. Keep coming back!

It's always affirming to hear how warmly this lovely group welcomes new people into the fold. It reminds me of how supported I felt the first time I poured out my heart here when I was feeling so lost and desperate. I could have written those very words you wrote about being sick with worry. I know that worrying is not helpful to myself or my son (who has been clean for nearly 7 months), so I try to stay positive, but sometimes I find myself being overwhelmed by my worst fears.

The thing is, our worst fear has really already happened. Our beloved children have taken the path that led to drug addiction, and have dragged us along on a journey we never wanted to go on. I am deeply grateful that my son is clean, but I am terrified that it could change any time. I have to fight that fear every day.

You are right: we have to find a way to live our lives again. I find I cope by "compartmentalizing" my life. When I am at work, I focus completely on my responsibilities. I have not told any of my co-workers about my son's addiction (I did tell my supervisor when I had to take some time off when he went into detox, and she was great, but I don't want my colleagues to know so I don't have to talk about it at work). Work is a place where I can feel I am in control and things are safe and predictable. I continue to participate in outside interests including a book group, playing music and working (playing)in a clay sculpture studio. None of the people I associate with in these activities knows anything about that part of my life. So there are times that I feel normal. Yes, I have a dark and mysterious secret, but I let go of it

I have heard of people who plan a time to worry. Instead of worrying all the time, decide that you will worry at 5 pm (or whenever). Give yourself 5 or 10 minutes or more if you need it. Focus on your worries, and when the time is up, let it go. If worries try to sneak in unbidden, practice thought stopping. Remind yourself that you can worry again next time its 5:00. I think I might just try that myself. My anxiety can be very irrational.

Do we ever feel normal again? Well, our lives have been irrevocably changed. It's like any life altering loss, like a death. You can't get your old life back, but you can find a "new normal". This group has helped me cope in so many ways, helped me find a new way to live under these circumstances. These women on "Families and Friends ..." understand in a way my own friends never could. Reach out, keep coming back, you must not let this make you feel your life is being ruined. Just as our sons need to find their own inner strength, we need to find ours. You will find it, though it is elusive. We can come out of this experience with strength we didn't even know we possessed. I

wish you and your son all the best.

Your last post sounded exactly what I went through..but now, I have the sweetness of seeing success. It took more years, more learning on our part, and more suffering on his part. But it did happen for us. Do not loose hope. I would say my last name to pick up something at the store, or dry cleaner, and the person would say his first name back to me....always...for years. And now, when they want gory details I can tell them he is happy and well. I pray that it happens for you.

Since we always got them out of trouble...they somehow have a magical thinking that they will be saved from the justice system. Listen, over 18, forgettaboutit. And understand that when they are in jail...yes, it is scary and humiliating for us. BUT, you know where they are, they are relatively safe, being fed, following rules and SOBER. I can't tell you how many big holidays and events he spent behind bars, but I slept better knowing he wasn't passed out or in a fight somewhere. Sad but true. On this journey, it is ALOT of how we look at it. We love our kids, but it is NOT happening to us! I used his time in jail to write, and he called collect twice a week....and I tried to reach him during that time. He sure knows we have unconditional love, and we won't enable him.