Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
Hello -
I am a member of this group, but have not posted in a couple of months, because I have
been putting all my energy into trying to find
work - also, my son had been sober for over a
year, and I found myself not wanting to
think about substance or alcohol abuse, after
all we had gone through with him.
I originally joined this group because my son (who is now 28) started using drugs (so-called \"recreational\" drugs like marijuana and pills) and drinking when he was 15. He was extremely verbally abusive with myself and my husband, and eventually chose to live with my mother, who wanted him with her, being a widow, when he was 18. Her apartment was only ten minutes away from us, so we were still very
involved in his life. He did much better
living with his grandmother than he did with
us, and all seemed to be going well until she
passed on 4 years ago. At that point, all hell
broke loose, and my son began drinking heavily
again.
After several stints in rehab, he finally
started going to AA meetings regularly, and
kept his sobriety for over a year. However,
he could not find a job, and so my husband
continued to pay the rent on my mother\'s
apartment, and basically support my son, so
we have been, needless to say, in financial
crisis for some time now, as my husband has been
supporting two households for four years.
The last few days, my son has not been able
to be reached by phone, which is not like him,
and he did not respond to requests for a call
back, which is also unusual for him. This
morning he finally called, and said that he
had been \"away for three days\", drinking. He
was very reluctant to speak with me about it,
and sounded very desolate and had a sense of
futility in his voice which scared me. He was
also extremely verbally abusive, but then
would say, \"I love you and Dad...stay out of
my life..an alcoholic is like a tornado that
steamrolls over the family\'s life and ruins
everything it touches\".
I desperately WANT to stay out of his life
at this point, but my husband is still paying
the rent on the apartment, and I will NOT
have him live with us...but I don\'t want him
on the street, either. He said he would return
to the AA meetings, but he is a full-blown
alcoholic, and I am accepting now that I can
expect more of the same (relapses and abuse),
even if he attends meetings. My dilemma is:
do we stop paying rent on the apartment, thus
not enabling him - but possibly risk his
becoming so depressed that he (God forbid)
takes his life (he has almost OD\'d before -
not a conscious suicide attempt, but I think an
unconscious one...) - or cause him to live on
the street? (And we live in NYC...) I
advised him to speak to an AA friend of his,
who had offered his sofa as a place to \"crash\"
(he is never home anyway...so he really
doesn\'t need an apartment, except to sleep.)
I am thinking of going to see a substance
abuse counselor with my husband to get
professional advice as to what would be best
for both my husband and I and my son\'s
sobriety. In the meanwhile, any suggestions
or advice from members here would be
welcome...
Blessings, Janet
I am a member of this group, but have not posted in a couple of months, because I have
been putting all my energy into trying to find
work - also, my son had been sober for over a
year, and I found myself not wanting to
think about substance or alcohol abuse, after
all we had gone through with him.
I originally joined this group because my son (who is now 28) started using drugs (so-called \"recreational\" drugs like marijuana and pills) and drinking when he was 15. He was extremely verbally abusive with myself and my husband, and eventually chose to live with my mother, who wanted him with her, being a widow, when he was 18. Her apartment was only ten minutes away from us, so we were still very
involved in his life. He did much better
living with his grandmother than he did with
us, and all seemed to be going well until she
passed on 4 years ago. At that point, all hell
broke loose, and my son began drinking heavily
again.
After several stints in rehab, he finally
started going to AA meetings regularly, and
kept his sobriety for over a year. However,
he could not find a job, and so my husband
continued to pay the rent on my mother\'s
apartment, and basically support my son, so
we have been, needless to say, in financial
crisis for some time now, as my husband has been
supporting two households for four years.
The last few days, my son has not been able
to be reached by phone, which is not like him,
and he did not respond to requests for a call
back, which is also unusual for him. This
morning he finally called, and said that he
had been \"away for three days\", drinking. He
was very reluctant to speak with me about it,
and sounded very desolate and had a sense of
futility in his voice which scared me. He was
also extremely verbally abusive, but then
would say, \"I love you and Dad...stay out of
my life..an alcoholic is like a tornado that
steamrolls over the family\'s life and ruins
everything it touches\".
I desperately WANT to stay out of his life
at this point, but my husband is still paying
the rent on the apartment, and I will NOT
have him live with us...but I don\'t want him
on the street, either. He said he would return
to the AA meetings, but he is a full-blown
alcoholic, and I am accepting now that I can
expect more of the same (relapses and abuse),
even if he attends meetings. My dilemma is:
do we stop paying rent on the apartment, thus
not enabling him - but possibly risk his
becoming so depressed that he (God forbid)
takes his life (he has almost OD\'d before -
not a conscious suicide attempt, but I think an
unconscious one...) - or cause him to live on
the street? (And we live in NYC...) I
advised him to speak to an AA friend of his,
who had offered his sofa as a place to \"crash\"
(he is never home anyway...so he really
doesn\'t need an apartment, except to sleep.)
I am thinking of going to see a substance
abuse counselor with my husband to get
professional advice as to what would be best
for both my husband and I and my son\'s
sobriety. In the meanwhile, any suggestions
or advice from members here would be
welcome...
Blessings, Janet
I'm sure someone will be able to give you a plan, I wish I could. All I can say is that I would stop paying the rent, and I would not have him live with me. Going to the counselor is a good idea. They should be able to help you with a plan. You could also try the Salvation Army. Hang on.
Thanks for your response. Can you let me know how the Salvation Army could help with my son's situation? I assume with housing? I'm not sure what services they provide -
Thanks -
Janet
But let's start with your view that he will end up on the street. That is simply not true, addicts are extremely resourceful. They always find a place to crash AND... he does have somewhere to go - to Rehab.
Let him know about Salvation Army... and if he does go to AA someone there will assist him - If he really wants it. This is about doing the best thing for him .. helping him hit bottom faster.
Trust me - I know how hard it is for you.