You are not stupid nor are you to blame .. you're a mom and you love your son. I don't belong to this group, but have experience with an alcoholic son, now two years sober. We lived a nightmare of enabling and finally drawing the line. My heart goes out to you. I only happened to see your posting as I have insomnia at times. I thought I remembered you with glasses. I do encourage you to continue to post and surround yourself with what is a great group of people on this board. All the best wishes and success for your son and your family.

Aren't they tricky little devils?
I never knew either...even after I knew, I still didn't know how bad.
If they have never been in your shoes? they don't know. Period.
I had some people be very superior acting to me...my kid was on court tv in our little town (for a month every tues and thurs nite) while I ran the sunday school for a large church.
Surprising the number of people who came to me when their kids had a problem...and the ones who confessed about family issues....but saddest was the ones in complete denial. (a family had their 40 year old grown son "sleepwalk" off a balcony at a hotel ) YOU are not stupid. Pray for him, love him and put him in God's hands. We don't get to decide anything with this but what our boundaries are. HUG

thank you for your reply. I pray he gets the help he needs and hopefully one day I will be able to say my son is two years sober like Journeyhome.

you are not stupid. they are so good at lying to you and you desperately want to believe them. would they let him go out of state or instate to a long term residential treatment facility. you are right . he needs more then 36 days especially if it's heroin or oxy. I am praying for you now

Thank you. The judge adjourned his pre trial and allowed him to go out of state for the phase 1, which is 6 days detox and 30 days treatment. I hope there is something we can do to keep him in the program for phase 2, and 3. I know in my heart if he comes back home, it will all have been in vain. All his triggers are here and I am so nave to this. You are right, I want to believe him, he gets so angry when I don't and so I let my guard down and trust he is telling be the truth which causes me to un-knowingly enable him. I realize that he has manipulated me and his father to his advantage, We know now he needs to be away from us. When he comes home, then he goes to court , he will get probation and have to do random drug testing and this will be for 1 year. Is there a way the courts can transfer probation to the treatment center he is in although its another state? I'm already worried because coming home will hurt us all. :(

I do know how this feels. It's so hard for us parents who live in such a different world. We trust people because we are trustworthy and we raised our children to be that way. We have to learn about this evil realm we'd rather know nothing about, but it has trapped our grown children. We'd do anything to get them out, but so many of the ways we try to help just enable them to stay longer.

My 29 year old is in detox right now so we're going through a similar dark journey. Please, you do not have to apologize for telling as much of your story as you need. That's what we are here for. We are all kindred spirits who love our children. Take care of yourself; I hope things go well for your son.

Wow, everyone's reply is so poignant. We love our kids and want to believe they are making good choices. But drugs warp their minds and take over their souls and make them into people we don't recognize.

I agree that 30 days is not enough. There are many great live in - long term programs. Many are free if you can't afford it or insurance doesn't cover it. My son got into an excellent program and is 3 years clean and sober now.

I would think if you have a solid plan the courts will work with you.

I'm praying for you and your son that he gets the help he needs.

Big hugs

Plantlover, that is such a blessing your son is 3yrs sober! and JourneyHome's son is 2 years sober. It gives me hope that my son can do this as well! I really hope the treatment center can help him. Tonight is my sons last night at the detox center, He arrived there last Tuesday. Tomorrow he goes to the treatment center for 30 days. He called me tonight and sounded good and hopeful. He still wants to be there. I just don't want to get too excited because I am so used to him lying to me and falling for it mostly.

I'm pretty much reiterating what has already been said, but you are NOT stupid & you are NOT to blame. Our 29-year-old son is a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. For 10 years, he charmed and manipulated everyone in his life - family, friends, co-workers, girlfriends - as a means of supporting his habits and lifestyle.

I encourage you to find some support & encouragement for yourself! You are just as much in need of help as your son, just in a different way. Surround yourself with family and/or friends who will encourage & uplift you, not belittle or criticize you. If there is a support group in your area, try to attend.

Our son has been attending Celebrate Recovery at a local church and loves it. {C.R. is nationwide.} He's been encouraging us {his parents} to attend as well, as it is not only for the addict...it's for anyone struggling with absolutely anything - which is all of us! I was able to attend once and hubby and I plan on attending together a.s.a.p.

I found the people there to be exceedingly accepting, but not phony; honest & transparent; helpful & encouraging. My first visit there, I burst into tears and was met with comfort & compassion by a young man not much older than our son. Also a recovering addict, he reassured me that I'm not to blame. He understood my pain & fear.

YOU DO NOT NEED ANYONE IN YOUR LIFE WHO BRINGS YOU DOWN or does anything other than offer compassion, encouragement, & support.

My heart aches for you because I know the pain and the guilt all too well. You will be in my prayers. *hugs*

Momofastranger, your post made me cry because I know your right that I should probably try and seek some support. I think what your son is doing is amazing and encourages me there is hope for my son. It's really killing me to know I should have known, or as someone said to me today, I probably did know and didn't want to see what was in front of me. I feel paralyzed with guilt and shame that I just don't know if I can. Coming to this site was really hard for me, I found it only because I have been on the fibromyalgia site but I am glad I did because I cant believe there are so many going through this.

You are definitely not stupid. They are cunning, manipulative liars and we, as moms, want to believe that they are doing the right thing. Hopefully this experience will put him on the right path. Hang in there and good luck.

Let the guilt go, It will kill you. If your stupid, then you have one bunch of stupid friends all sitting on this site. One thing I learned is that addicts bring deceit and lying to a whole new meaning. It is the absolute last thing we look for, sometimes we are so focused on making sure they are clean, looking at their eyes, how they are responded, and while we are doing this, they are so focused and determined to making sure they pass every test, keeping their eyes sparkling clean, and acting like they are clean, they are giving us what we are looking for. You are not stupid, you are a mother that wants her child to get well. We have all been there as parents of addicts. The addiction consumes us. I have learned to not focus on the nodding heads, but rather focus on the people who will support and understand the road to recovery. Whats most important is that your son is on the road to recovery, use this time for your recovery as well. Hugs, to you.