Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
im sad.. everytime there's a long holiday. i always wish that my recovering addict ex gets back to me.. reach out to me... how did all of this happen? why did it turn upside down all of a sudden.. how long will this take? i just relapsed in terms of checking for pictures of him online.
i miss him a lot. but its been too long.. 9 months now.. i am afraid to forget and fully let go. why is God allowing this. why couldnt he just allow things to work out? i see a lot of my friends getting married.. happy.. being able to spend quality yime with their partners esp during holidays and vacations. why did i not get to reach that point.. ? makes me question that other people are better and deserving than me...
i saw his pictures and he still attends mtgs... thats good for him. i stopped my support mtgs.. i guess im scared and not comfortable and not ready to fully surrender.. and the people very much reminds me of him. i am not comfortable that they get to hear both our stories while i dont...
in the bigger scheme of things i sense God is allowing this pain to move us to change. but why is he changing me too this hard? why do i have to feel inadequate...
sometimes i feel like bcos i quit the mtgs God will not allow him back in my life..
does my ex even think of me? does he think im causing him to relapse? evenso.. even if iv got the worst attitude, which i think i dont, im imperfect yes
.. am i that unlovable and tolerable worth fighting for by a partner? i mean i always hear in 12 step readings that it is us most of all that must recognize our worth, fight for ourselves.. but would not it be very nice if someone cared enough to stay and swallow pride and ego?
how come others have that companionship loyalty from a partner.. but i dont...
i know God is always with me.. but i wish there was a warm loving body by my side.
i miss him a lot. but its been too long.. 9 months now.. i am afraid to forget and fully let go. why is God allowing this. why couldnt he just allow things to work out? i see a lot of my friends getting married.. happy.. being able to spend quality yime with their partners esp during holidays and vacations. why did i not get to reach that point.. ? makes me question that other people are better and deserving than me...
i saw his pictures and he still attends mtgs... thats good for him. i stopped my support mtgs.. i guess im scared and not comfortable and not ready to fully surrender.. and the people very much reminds me of him. i am not comfortable that they get to hear both our stories while i dont...
in the bigger scheme of things i sense God is allowing this pain to move us to change. but why is he changing me too this hard? why do i have to feel inadequate...
sometimes i feel like bcos i quit the mtgs God will not allow him back in my life..
does my ex even think of me? does he think im causing him to relapse? evenso.. even if iv got the worst attitude, which i think i dont, im imperfect yes
.. am i that unlovable and tolerable worth fighting for by a partner? i mean i always hear in 12 step readings that it is us most of all that must recognize our worth, fight for ourselves.. but would not it be very nice if someone cared enough to stay and swallow pride and ego?
how come others have that companionship loyalty from a partner.. but i dont...
i know God is always with me.. but i wish there was a warm loving body by my side.
you still need to turn the page in the book of life and look forward. Yes. holidays are hard. Even people who stay together for ever lose each other through death...and we lose other loved ones. this is only amplified during holiday celebrations. it sucks. that is why we have to enjoy every day as much as we can.
we never know when the last time we will be able to hug anyone in our lives may be. SO, celebrate life.
Do something for others, volunteer, set a goal to run a marathon, go back to school, get a new haircut, work on the layers of anger, guilt, etc that go with that mourning process and move on. He has. If you come up in discussion it would probably be how dis-functional he was in the relationship...or how bad it was for both of you. Sorry, but his sobriety seems to be sticking and so is his resolve to make a new life...with or without you...again, not our choice. You need (again) to refocus forward....we are all projecting energy...if yours is always sad, you will never attract the lovely people waiting to join your future.
I am going to resist going through this again with you. you really know all this already. Your addict is gone. You are free. Life is not fair. as the two popular songs say :shake it off" and "let it go"...don't define your life as a victim, define your life as a survivor.
I remember feeling like this way back when my fianc broke up with me 35 years ago. I felt like there must have been something wrong with me and I would never find anyone new because I was unworthy. Now I look back and thank God that I did not marry that guy. I really did deserve better. I was free to meet my husband, who I've now been happily married to for 32 years.
Don't worry about whether your ex still thinks of you. It doesn't matter. He probably was not capable of loving anyone fully because of his addiction. Now he needs to focus on his own recovery. Wish him well and move on.
I agree with blue violet. I like the idea of volunteering for others or setting a goal for yourself. You've been through a traumatic experience and you need to find a way to make yourself feel worthy of being loved. Just as he needs to focus on recovery, so do you. You need to recover your sense of self worth, which seems to have been really damaged.
Only when you have recovered the ability to love yourself will you find someone who can truly also love you. I'm sorry to say this, but you're not likely to find that with your ex. He also is learning how to love himself and is not prepared to love anyone else. You do not need that in your life because it will only feed your low self-esteem.
About 20 years ago, my dad-in-law cheated on my mom-in-law [his wife of 38 years]. As far as anyone could tell, they had a good marriage, but for whatever his reasons, he was unfaithful. My mom-in-law, although devastated, drew upon her strength & her faith in God, and told her husband that if he didn't end the affair immediately he'd have to leave. He left. He was gone for 6 long years - living with his mistress. In the meantime, Mom was left completely alone [all the children were grown & gone] and forced to live life as more or less a widow without the closure of a death.
Early on during this time, I invited Mom to attend a women's retreat with myself and some of my Christian girlfriends. Mom was very much in the throes of grieving at this time so she spent a lot of time crying. My friends and I surrounded her with love & support, prayer & encouragement, and lots of hugs. On one particular afternoon during the retreat, as Mom was having a meltdown, one of my friends [I'll call her "Jane"] sat down beside her, embraced her, and revealed that she, too, had been the victim of an adulterous husband. However, her story differed in that when her husband left her, they had 4 young children at home. Jane was also left to fend for herself - and her children.
Jane told Mom, "I had to learn to make Jesus my husband. I had to learn that I couldn't rely on any human for security, not even my own husband. I had to trust that God was not only in control but at work, even though it didn't seem that way."
In both of these cases, both husbands eventually returned to their wife and the marriages were restored.
I don't tell you these stories to promise that your fiance will return to you - he very well may not. I tell you this to impress upon you the importance of giving the one you love completely, 100% over to God and allowing Him to decide the outcome. You must always be mindful that God has only the best plans for you as well as for your fiance. Those plans may or may not include the two of you together in marriage.
You will find it necessary to remind yourself - daily - of these things. When you study Scripture, you will clearly see that SELDOM to things happen the way we want or when we want, but they ALWAYS happen exactly as they should according to God's PERFECT will.
I will share with you just one more story . . .
When I met my husband, it was through a mutual friend. My husband was, on that particular day, with his girlfriend. Several months passed and I bumped into him again and discovered that his girlfriend had moved overseas. He was, at that time, heartbroken. But over the course of the next few months, God brought the two of us together. My husband, to this day, always says that God knew exactly what He was doing when he sent this other girl so far away. Hubby says, "God knew . . . He not only got her out of my life, he sent her to the other side of the world!" Hubby & I have been married 30 years!
TRUST God to bring to you the husband HE has chosen for you in HIS timing. Otherwise, you'll be settling for second best - or worse.
*hugs*