Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group

Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...

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Heroin

needafriendplease
needafriendplease
Hi im new to this page. my daughter is a recovering heroin addict. Well at least i hope she is not lieing to me. she is 27 and had a partner double her age that died from an overdose. He is the person who got her on the stuff. She found him dead and was in such a mess. she came to me for help and i am trying my hardest. The guy died last year and it seems to have shaken her up enough to stop herself. I have given her lots of support.
The thing is i have so many problems with her. she and my husband of four years were seeing each other behind my back. To cut a long story short my husband and i are now apart. He was very controlling and there are other reasons im not with him, but the texts i found between my daughter and my husband contributed to our break up. I am trying to deal with the double betrayal and trying to support my daughter, who shows no remorse.
The thing is she wants money off me all the time on a daily basis. I used to give her money but stopped as i didnt know if it was going on food and things that she asked me for help for.
I have told her i will buy you a meal but not give you money. It does not stop her continously asking.
She is on benifits and living with another ex heroin addict and will not listen to me about it. They never got money and are driving me mad. I am trying to deal with 2 issues. my soon to be divorce proceedings and my daughter . she tells me she is not on any drugs and goes off on one if i ask her about it. she is very selfish and i am trying so hard with her.
deehigs
deehigs
Dear need a friend you came to the right place the people on here are wonderful!!! I'm so sorry for what you have been through with your daughter. # 1. Don't give her a dime !! If you give her any money and she gets drugs with it you would just be enabling her . Addicts are very selfish and manipulative so when she crys that she's hungry give her a sand which never a dollar. The betrayal with your husband is terrible and truthfully has me wondering if she really is still using because an active addict has no morals and will do just about anything for their next fix, don't know her so it could be other issues that would have caused her to betray you so badly but remember addicts are very sick people not that it gives them a pass for their behavior because it does not, does she go to any type if rehab or support groups for sobriety? Why is she living with another ex addict ?? Anyway welcome to our group and know that we care cause we have all been there or are still there it's the hardest thing loving an addict , peace. Dee
katrinka
katrinka
I'm sorry, I know this had to be the ultimate betrayal. I agree don't give her any money and let her stand on her own two feet. She must be looking for a father figure since she chooses much older men.
blueviolet725
blueviolet725
So many messes. I think you need to just work on your life and your younger child. She has benefits and there are programs she could use to help herself. I also think some people become so unbalanced while using that it takes years for them to get their brains unchemically controlled. I welcome you and hope we can be of support.
kimpalmer
kimpalmer
Welcome, and sorry you are having to deal with so much. I agree with my friends.. Please take care of yourself.. Addicts will use you till you're all used up.. Protect your heart
dmatt124
dmatt124
I am so sorry for what you are going through, but I promise when you rise far beyond the clouds there is sunshine. No money. I too have the same concerns as my friend Dee, especially when it comes to the anger about being questioned. However, right now is the time to take care of you, I would clearly lat out some boundaries with her, and please do seek out some support for you. Stay strong.
needafriendplease
needafriendplease
Thankyou to you all for your words of support. she is tearing me apart. i know i cannot blame her totally for my marriage break up because he is to blame to. He knew i had problems with her and she was probably vunerable and saw him as money. I miss him dreadfully but he was very controling so i have to fight each day not to take him back. I have been very weak. my daughter seems happy we are apart and hates him now, which is hard too believe. I am alone now and left with nothing but what could have been. my daughter doesnt seem to like me being happy with anyone she has always been the same . Its like she wants me all to herself. The boyfriend she has now is an ex heroin addict and goes to A.A. he is a waste of space and sponges around . They both have never worked. I find it so strange as i have brought my children up to be decent. she is the only one that has turned out this way. I worry about her all the time. she doesnt eat and there is nothing there of her. when i see her i make sure she has eaten. At 27 she is an adult and it feels like i have an adult child. I am torn apart. I miss my husband and shouldnt. I feel i dont know where to turn anymore
katrinka
katrinka
I was married to a controlling husband years ago. You might want to visit the Physical & Emotional board. Even when we divorce these men our bodies and brain have a way of remembering the good and pushing out the bad. Its a sort of survival mode. It takes having no contact and facing the truth that men that are controlling do not change. Having no contact will make it a lot easier and also getting some counseling would not hurt.
LoriFla
LoriFla
Welcome here to the group, you will find lots of support from those of us that get it. We have walked in your shoes so we understand. I'm sorry you're going through all this. Have you considered counseling for yourself? I agree with the others, take care of yourself right now. Hugs to you...
needafriendplease
needafriendplease
Yes I am starting councilling. . Went to women's aid and they are putting my name forward for councilling and group therapy. I just hope they don't take to long. I thank you all here and need all the help I can get.
GMaWilli
GMaWilli
So sorry for your pain & suffering. Her constantly asking for money tells me she is most likely still using something. Addicts strip away our lives if we let them. I hope you can get some help for yourself.
GMaWilli
GMaWilli
And btw, my daughter & son have watched countless friends & former lovers overdose & die. My son has had multiple life threatening staph infections. My son lost parental rights. All of the tragedies that a sober person would think would make an addict quit using.......oftentimes does not make them quit. Things I assumed would be their rock bottom hasn't been, & my ex-husband spending nearly 10 years in prison wasn't his rock bottom either. It's a very, very tough battle.
needafriendplease
needafriendplease
Again today my daughter asked for money. she wanted me to take some to her as she said she was ill. she always says the same thing. she then says she hasnt eaten in days, but she always has tobacco and credit on her phone. its all lies. I had some man texting me earlier asking if my daughter was in hospital. He said he was her friend. I am annoyed he had my number. she rings and texts me off so many numbers. She uses the hospital lie a lot to. The boyfriend she lives with now, who is just as bad, she lies to. He rings to ask me where she is when she doesnt come home to him some nights. she lies to everyone and just wants money all the time. I gave her a telling off earlier and told her get a job if she needs money. Instead of living the way she is.
donna7455
donna7455
I'm very sorry for all that you have been through. I also agree with everyone's advice.

I also suspect she is still using heroin. Has she ever been to a program, such as in patient treatment (rehab) or outpatient treatment? Does she go to AA? Heroin is almost impossible to quit on your own without intensive treatment. Many people also need to use Suboxone or Methadone to get off this stuff. If she hasn't had treatment and isn't in a program, I would be very suspicious of her story.

The constant asking for money and not eating are also red flags that she is continuing to use drugs. You also have to wonder how it is that she is getting the money for cigarettes and her phone. If you give her money, you are enabling her life style.

I think the counseling is a good idea. Al-Anon may also help you. I also recommend the book Don't Let Your Kids Kill You. Other good books are Codependent No More and Boundaries.
needafriendplease
needafriendplease
Hi donna , yes she has had councilling ( when she turned up) and was on methadone for a long time. she started missing her appointment for her daily methadone, so she recons they got her off methadone in one week and that she not on anything now.
I have stopped giving her money , but every day she asks for it. I have bought her food if she hungry but refuse the money now just in case she lying. which she probably is. It is so sad. It breaks my heart. She wasting her life away and she is looking so thin. Her teeth are rotton and black. She has little clothes and has had so many places to live. I have lost money helping with flats for her. I cant do it anymore
deleted_user
deleted_user
Hi and welcome - though I'm sorry it's under such awful circumstances. I too am the parent of an addict adult child and the crap they put us through is one of the worst things I've ever endured. Between the lies they tell to hide their addiction and used to munipulate every little situation; the truth gets so clouded & twisted that you the parent can't determine fact from fiction. And when you try to stop it they manage to turn all the blame on us and make us feel guilty for their short-comings.

Yup, I've been there - right where you are now and there's only one way you're going to survive this. You need to take care of you first. You need to create time and distance from the chaos and crap that surrounds your daughter's life so you can gain control back into yours.

The 1st step is to STOP what you're doing (giving her what she wants - this is enabling and is only feeding the addiction) and second, you need to back away from your addict (block her calls and separate yourself from the drug drama in her life).

Remember, she's an adult and you cannot control her choices but you can certainly control yours. Until you draw the line in the sand and stand your ground she WILL continue to use, abuse and walk all over you. And the worst part is, she won't care one iota about you or your feelings because she's not in control - drugs are and will be until she chooses to get clean.

Hang in there and know we're here for you...