Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
About five months ago my family discovered my little brother has been struggling with addiction. He has been to jail, rehab, completed IOP, and has continued to struggle with holding onto his sobriety. When he finished rehab he asked to come live with my family and I. He had been here about 2 1/2 months when I told him he had to leave. I am having an extremely hard time coping with his addiction. I have come here for some insight and advice, maybe comfort, or just a place where others like me can understand my heartache. There are Al anon meetings where I live, but I have not been able to make one because my schedule, (college, family and full time work) keeps me from the weekly meetings in my area. While he has lived here he has had it pretty easy, no bills or rent, we got him a phone to keep contact in case he needed, a car.... and so on. The first time he relapsed he was here in his room and my daughter brought it to our attention about a funny noise coming from his room (he is addicted to air duster), my partner found him lying face down. He wanted to stay so we let him, we knew there were going to be hard days and times he would relapse.... we didn't want to give up on him. I was at school studying for a big exam with a study group when he called. He was with the police in our baby brothers car, (baby bro let him borrow it to help out), he had passed out in a residential area in the parked car and woke up to the cops. I was told if I came to pick him up there would be no charges. We all had made an agreement the time before if he relapsed again he would move to Rhode Island with our mother who could give him 24 hour "supervision" and a more strict, structured environment. When I arrived he had already been taken to jail and the car towed away. I refused to get him out, and told him he needed to stay there even though he was withdrawing from all his meds. This was his second stay within the past four months for the same charge. Three days in jail and my dad gets him out, and once again he pleads to stay, fearing for the worst my partner and I allow him to stay. It is now about 1 week later and I catch him in the parking lot of a store hunched over with blue lips and in a stupor with that damn air. I am so full of every emotion... I wouldn't have time to discuss it all here. He is now back in our home town with my dad, and they plan to pick up our baby brothers car so he can get a job.... and my dad wants to know how much the phone bill is so my brother can have it back.... I got into an emotional conversation with my dad and had to get off the phone for fear of saying something i may regret. I think we are enabling him by giving him those things, but I just don't know what to do. Please help
Wow ...what a difficult situation. I am so sorry to hear about your pain. I can relate big time. I think you are making healthy choices by not letting him stay with you, that is a good thing for you and every member of your family.
I have recently joined Al-Anon and if there is one thing I have taken away from that, it is this: I cannot control anyone but myself. Your brother will find his own way in time, and hopefully will change.
I know you said you haven't had a chance to get to an Al-Anon meeting because of commitments in your life. Sometimes we must change our plans in order to be more committed to ourselves. This may mean asking someone to help babysit or whatever, so that we can get help and support, whether it's Al-Anon or whatever. What is important to you and your emotional sanity and how can you get help?
I think you were very, very brave to not get him out of jail. That is another thing Al-Anon helps us understand ...that it is up to the alcoholic to fix their problem. They must realize that bad choices may end up with consequences, and unless they feel and go through those consequences, they may never learn.
Stand your ground and know you are on the right path. Let Go Let God and let the chips fall where they may. Concentrate on yoursself and how you can get support.
Sometimes we feel guilty for not helping the addict and struggle with putting ourselves first. We must realize that putting ourselves first and out of harms' way is healthy. It is also healthy to detach ...sometimes for a short time, sometimes for a long time. Be true to your SELF. If you can get outside support that will help you tremendously. Talking with family and friends is not objective enough. I also have come to the realization that with addicts, things must get worse before they get better.... it is all up to them ... and not us.
Sending you love and light,
V
Hang in there! I'm glad to hear you are going to go to Al-Anon. they say to give it a good try for at least 6 meetings. I'm going to my third Monday night and I'm actually looking forward to it. The warmth and love in those rooms are amazing and no one judges you, they are just there to help.
Try to focus on yourself now. I too am in school and when things go sideways and the drama builds in the family it can really distract a person from their studies. Just work on yourself, and what you can do for YOU. You will be okay, just wait and see.
Life is different for everyone and sometimes the road people takes isn't a good one, but that is their choice. If they can pick up a phone to call a friend to get booze or drugs, they can pick up the phone and call for help and get into a detox program. it's all up to them.
Sending you love and light and I am so glad you are feeling a bit better!
V
You're on a steep learning curve here, it's happened pretty fast. Your Dad is enabling him big time. Don't let your brother have the phone or anything. It's his tough luck - he should have looked after it. As long as people keep rescuing him he won't feel the consequences and will just keep using.
Addiction is a family illness - everyone gets it. You're making good progress towards getting well but your Dad isn't.
Don't feel guilty about trying to get real with your Dad. You needed to - it was the sensible thing to do. Protect yourself and those who depend on you. Put on your own oxygen mask first.
The book that I found very helpful when I first discovered my son's addiction was Beautiful Boy. It's the story of a man with a son who is an addict. Perhaps if your dad reads the story of another man and his son he can more easily see the mistakes the author made and come to understand why enabling is a bad idea. It's a wonderful book and I highly recommend it.
If he's not a reader, then I think the poem Let Me Fall All By Myself could help him see. This was written by an addict who successfully got clean. There's also a great essay written by a father called "7 Truths About My Addict that it Took 5 Years to Learn." Here's the link:
http://intervene.drugfree.org/2009/11/7-truths-about-my-addict-that-took-5-years-to-learn/
Here's the poem.
Let Me Fall All By Myself
If you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me. Don't throw a pillow under my ass to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it. Dont stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me) ... Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ... trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me ... The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours ... the sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ... resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one ... If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile ... I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out .. I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound ... Don't you see ?? Don't you know ?? You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours ... I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me ... but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly ... Nudge me out of your safety net ... trust the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar. ---Passion