Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
Changing the subject from the son I have clean today 51 days..I have a married son 28.
He always acted like the loyal one (son). The golden child. He married his wife that he dated on and off since 14. At 14 I wouldn't allow her in my home. She was a horrible child. Alcoholic..pills...cutting school. (good family who really tried). She would constantly come to my house and be with my son. Back then he was an easy going kid who loved baseball. We actually moved to another state...and I find out she followed and roomed with a heavy addict.
Long story short I have a distain for this girl. Yes from the beginning but more so because she is the mother of my amazing Granddaughter. My son is so codependent on this girl. He has used pills for a while. I think to fit in. He began drinking heavy with her. Before they married they went out and she was to be the designated driver. She drank a bottle of rum in the parking lot and had alcohol poisoning. My son stupidly drove her to the hospital and was arrested for DWI. I bailed him out.
Well he lost his license. She wouldn't allow him to pay the fines to get it back. He isn't the kind to speak up for himself. So Mommy here drove him back and forth.
So now fast forward...a kid...then married. Paid for a lot of it. I babysat for 3 years and if I couldn't do a day I paid daycare. They both knew how to use me for anything because I would for my granddaughter.
They both continued drinking. Her with pills. I didn't see it because they hid it. My son in rehab would come home and tell me stories of the baby neglect, etc. So I would basically keep her all weekend to. I raised her. Got temp custody in court because the judge wanted to be sure she was safe.
They are much better parents now. However my son left her twice for the same girl. They were separated (loved the other girl...sweet clean and good). He once again decides hes going back. He begs to move here in my home. They had their own floor. (btw five years I am still driving him back and forth) I paid for his apt when he left. I paid for his license. About $7000 total. I wrote up rules for how we You get the pic.
So I told him he had two weeks to get his license. And then I was done. Enabling all three at the same time. My son had just left for rehab. This son exploded at me saying the filthiest stuff to me along with his wife. I was everything and more. I made them leave. My poor granddaughter. They have not let me see her since. I am heart broken. You see they are both alcoholics. Smoke weed constantly (not around the baby). But I chose to ignore it because I was trying to save the one with the worst wound.
I have told my son either I see her or I am going to court and getting visitation...and last time I ended up with custody. So I now get poison emails. He told me his rules of seeing the child I raised. I am not allowed to tell her negative stuff about them. I have to feed her right. Afterall I was this and that as a mother.
The worst part was yesterday. My sons bday in rehab. He told me I was a week mother. Too weak to search his room and get him help. I basically was allowing him to die. And if I say one word negative to his daughter he will file a restraining order on me.
I wont justify myself listing everything I did for this kid. Or to help my other. But I feel so beaten up everyday. Somedays its hard to stay sane. I noticed some of what this son was like. I had no idea to the extent. How does one not feel crazy?
I'm distressing here. Went on antidepressants and they are helping. I'm tired. I miss my little girl. (he says as long as I do what he says I can see her Wed) I want to smack him so hard in his face.
Maybe its Gods way of getting all this out of my life all at once. I'm happy for my son who is doing well. I'm shocked and devastated at the behavior of the one who flew under the radar. I thought he was the golden child and the one I didn't have to really worry about.
I don't know what to do other then to keep concentrating on myself.
He always acted like the loyal one (son). The golden child. He married his wife that he dated on and off since 14. At 14 I wouldn't allow her in my home. She was a horrible child. Alcoholic..pills...cutting school. (good family who really tried). She would constantly come to my house and be with my son. Back then he was an easy going kid who loved baseball. We actually moved to another state...and I find out she followed and roomed with a heavy addict.
Long story short I have a distain for this girl. Yes from the beginning but more so because she is the mother of my amazing Granddaughter. My son is so codependent on this girl. He has used pills for a while. I think to fit in. He began drinking heavy with her. Before they married they went out and she was to be the designated driver. She drank a bottle of rum in the parking lot and had alcohol poisoning. My son stupidly drove her to the hospital and was arrested for DWI. I bailed him out.
Well he lost his license. She wouldn't allow him to pay the fines to get it back. He isn't the kind to speak up for himself. So Mommy here drove him back and forth.
So now fast forward...a kid...then married. Paid for a lot of it. I babysat for 3 years and if I couldn't do a day I paid daycare. They both knew how to use me for anything because I would for my granddaughter.
They both continued drinking. Her with pills. I didn't see it because they hid it. My son in rehab would come home and tell me stories of the baby neglect, etc. So I would basically keep her all weekend to. I raised her. Got temp custody in court because the judge wanted to be sure she was safe.
They are much better parents now. However my son left her twice for the same girl. They were separated (loved the other girl...sweet clean and good). He once again decides hes going back. He begs to move here in my home. They had their own floor. (btw five years I am still driving him back and forth) I paid for his apt when he left. I paid for his license. About $7000 total. I wrote up rules for how we You get the pic.
So I told him he had two weeks to get his license. And then I was done. Enabling all three at the same time. My son had just left for rehab. This son exploded at me saying the filthiest stuff to me along with his wife. I was everything and more. I made them leave. My poor granddaughter. They have not let me see her since. I am heart broken. You see they are both alcoholics. Smoke weed constantly (not around the baby). But I chose to ignore it because I was trying to save the one with the worst wound.
I have told my son either I see her or I am going to court and getting visitation...and last time I ended up with custody. So I now get poison emails. He told me his rules of seeing the child I raised. I am not allowed to tell her negative stuff about them. I have to feed her right. Afterall I was this and that as a mother.
The worst part was yesterday. My sons bday in rehab. He told me I was a week mother. Too weak to search his room and get him help. I basically was allowing him to die. And if I say one word negative to his daughter he will file a restraining order on me.
I wont justify myself listing everything I did for this kid. Or to help my other. But I feel so beaten up everyday. Somedays its hard to stay sane. I noticed some of what this son was like. I had no idea to the extent. How does one not feel crazy?
I'm distressing here. Went on antidepressants and they are helping. I'm tired. I miss my little girl. (he says as long as I do what he says I can see her Wed) I want to smack him so hard in his face.
Maybe its Gods way of getting all this out of my life all at once. I'm happy for my son who is doing well. I'm shocked and devastated at the behavior of the one who flew under the radar. I thought he was the golden child and the one I didn't have to really worry about.
I don't know what to do other then to keep concentrating on myself.
I meant to say I wrote up rules for us living peacefully together.
One was to get his license. I was driving anymore. No parties here. I woke up to people sleeping on my couch. Seven at a time smoking weed and getting drunk in my yard. Spilling drinks all over my kitchen.
Honestly...all I said to him was you need your license. They are open on Sat. Well his wife had beach plans. And he flipped on my when I said he needed to prioritize because I don't want to drive anymore.
Yes, protect the granddaughter.
It is a GIFT, because now you know between both boys, that enabling does NOT help...and we can love them right into the grave....
so
let them fail forward to success.
He is probably jealous of his sober brother as well.
Let it all go...
you did the best you could with what you knew at the time.
now? you know better.
No more helping out anyone...save yourself.
and then save the grandbaby.
They are sick.
we can't change others, only us....so stop beating your head into the wall.
And stop being a slave....not even a servant, a slave. You did your job, they are grown, and they are in control of their own future.
This is Great. HARD but great. This is going to be the change that gives you your freedom. It is going to be worth it. Really.
I am so sorry you are hurting. I get it, I do...but this really needed to happen. So, gentle hugs. I wish you peace.
And get some help for yourself...does the son in rehab's place do a family counseling? if they do, go.
Free at last.
My situation was a little different my daughter lived with me so I got to see first hand what was going on. When things got really bad and I asked her to leave I called my grandson's father and filled him in on what had been going on. They share joint custody so he would have C my grandson Sunday through Thursday morning and he would come here from Thursday until Sunday. Thank God I have a good relationship with him so nothing changed C still came on the days my daughter would have gotten him. We didn't want to disrupt his life any more then we had to.
There really is no easy answer but if I were in your shoes as hard as it is I would call CPS and fill them in on what your granddaughter is living through. I don't know how old she is but kids are smart they know a lot more then we think they do, my grandson is 4 and some of the things that come out of his mouth floor me! I would tell CPS that you are willing to take custody of your granddaughter until her parents are well enough to do it themselves.
I' m glad youare concentrating on youself you need to take care of yourself too, you have a lot on your plate right now and you won't be any good to your granddaughter if you get sick. I wish you all good luck. I will keep you in my prayers.
Hugs,
Pat
It's time I work on myself. I've surrounded myself with users and Addicts pretty much all my life. It started as a young child with an addict mother. I always took care of my dad my sister and my brother. I cleaned cooked and went to my sisters PTA meetings since I was 10 years old. My sister came to live with me at a very young age so I could protect her from the life I lived. I married an addict and my children became addicts.
As for my granddaughter she is now living with my son his wife and her other grandmother. So I know she is well taken care of by that grandmother. If I don't see her by Wednesday I will start a legal proceeding. My sons email says every Wednesday. So we will see. I will never let him come to that child as long as I live.
Once again I appreciate the support and the ability to vent to those who understand. This site has help me a great deal.