Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group

Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...

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Pen125 12/23/2011

Ive been fighting with guilt the whole day through.

My brother has been extorting money from my father, using his usual cards [Im hungry, Im sick, baby needs food, we need to pay the rent etc].

My dad has been putting money every 15 days in my brothers bank account. A couple of months ago, my brother lost his ID, so hes been using his passport to get the money, but the bank told him today that they cant continue doing him a favour all the time and unless he shows an ID, theyll call the police.

So brother calls dad andasks for a check!

I should not be shocked, but I am. The nerve of that person..

Dad hang up on him. Of course, a waterfall of phone calls followed with threats, accusations and manipulations.

He text messaged me, saying that he can not count on his own family for support, only on strangers. Strangers are more sympathetic to me than my own family / thank you for being there for me / merry xmas to you too and so on.

I know this is the demon talking, if I could put it this way. I know its the manipulator speaking.

However, Im on such a hard guilt trip since morning, I feel numb, unable to do anything. I want to blow my head off - not literally as I cannot stand this feeling.

I need smb to tell me to get my head straight
Sometimes strangers can help after all..

IDonna 12/23/2011

It is because you care. He sounds a lot like my sister. Nothing she"s done suprises me. I started telling myself it is what it is. Please
try to forcus on someting else I know its hard. Pllease take care of yourself. if you need to talk I'm here.
Hugs

bambusue 12/23/2011

Let him wallow in his negativity. It's what addicts are good at. We can't force them into decisions but we can let them face the consequences of their own actions.

cardinal39 12/23/2011

remember these three words,,,, can not control, cure nor are we the cause to our addicits,,,,, enablers are the worst nightmare to a users,,, we are no better then the drug dealer that sells to them,,,, if they never have to face the consequences,,, they never have to deal with reality,,,, we do not owe anything to our addicits,,, trust me,, they wil find the means to feed , cloth or keep them warm,,,,I've also learned to keep the conversation to 15 words,,,,, otherwise,,, they take words and manipulate,,,, tough love,,, does not mean not loving,,,, it means we love them so much that we are unwilling to "allow" ourselves to be part of their 'world" it's hard trust me,,,, never thought I could do it,,,,,, I had to tell my beautiful daughter (22),, that she is always part of our world,,, however I can no longer be part of her "world"... so if she continues to use,, she wil have to look into the "window" and not be allowed in the "door"

deleted_user 12/25/2011

I can so relate this morning. I am trying to make this Christams just as happy for my kids, but I am heartsick over my sister. She is on heroin and she assaulted my mom yesterday for not allowing all of her "friends" to sit in the house and use with her. She then went to jail and has been calling begging for bail. She is "sorry" now and is crying her eyes out again. My mom is riddled with guilt over the situation and feels horrible for not bailing her out. She has been told she will stay for two weeks if she doesn't get bail. This has been going on for a year and a half. She is about to lose who herkids through the courts. She never sees them anyway. I just hope my mom doesn't bail her out. She is her biggest enabler. I know she does it because she is afraid for her, but she is always giving her a place to stay, giving her money...etc.

I get how you feel so frustrated with your brother, yet you still feel bad. Everything about this is horrible, but as Bambusue and Cardinal39 bith said, you did not do this and you owe nothing for it. Hope you will find some comfort knowing that you are not alone, I know it hels me tremendously, especially with some of the self doubt when I feel that maybe I could doing something more. Hang in there.

RossHomes 12/25/2011

What the addicts in our lives do, is called motionl hijacking.You may see info on that on the website of isp-an intervention service. They have some information there. The owners of the company are KEVIN AND DAVID LEE.Good luck.
Ross

deleted_user 12/27/2011

Isn't your dad an alcoholic? Perhaps he too is going through his own guilt trip. He probably knows he contributed to his son's demise and wants to make amends the only way he can - with money. So don't be angry at your dad or your brother. They feed on each other's weaknesses. Your dad feeds on his guilt and his need to make atonement. Your brother feeds one anyone who will listen to him and believe him.

They both need treatment but it isn't your place to feel guilty about it.

YOU DID NOT CAUSE THIS MESS. YOU HAVE NOTHING TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT.

Stand firm. Stand strong. Hold your head up and see things for what they are. Then move on.

I know it is hard....

Just when we think we've weathered the worst of it--something else pops up.

But it STILL IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[HUGS]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]

Pen125 12/28/2011

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. It's extremely hard to overcome guilt, especially when you've done nothing wrong... It helps knowing that there are people out there going through the same thing, although I wish from the bottom of my heart no one had to go through this.

Thanks again, your words help a lot!

Just to make things clear, my father is not an alcoholic. He's a great, I mean really great man, full of love for his family. He blames himself a lot about my brother's addiction, because he can't save him. Most parents go through this guilt trip and that's when enabling starts.

After all these years, words and notions like *enabling*, *co dependence*, *tough love*, are still new to my parents.. They are only starting to realise what "hitting bottom" might mean for their son..

I hope we all find the strength to walk our talk, I wish you enjoy the holidays.

take care
Pen

ImpulsiveREtardednes 12/29/2011

You needn't feel guilty. YOU know the truth. You know that it's his addiction that he's using to get the money from your dad...and sadly, your dad is enabling him to continue on his addiction. If he needs the money that badly for things like that...then instead, your dad should take the custody of the kid. Not have it left in his son's incapable hands. I know it's hard not to feel guilty...as I often do/did with my mom's drinking. I found a pattern and all of a sudden it was all my fault that she was doing it. Regardless of the fact that she was sick herself....I was still to blame as her true reason for it.

I do hope that your father stops enabling him. None of you should feel guilty!!! You've done what you can to help him...and until he realizes the type of help he needs and is willing to go and accept it...he'll never get better. But you shouldn't feel guilty because of his problems. Don't let his words affect you like that. That plays into his favour. You'll end up doing what he wants because you feel guilty about it. DON'T LET HIM WIN!!!!!! *sigh* I hope everything works out for you. :)

Pen125 12/29/2011

Thanks "Impulsive'.

Right now, I am so not guilt tripping. I'm tripping with frustration and anger. Resentment, as well.

This person that used to be my brother is fooling the social services into believing that "things are fine".

Sorry, I'm venting..

Again, thanks everyone, IDonna, Bambusue, cardinal, jjgs, RoosHomes, Theresa, Impulsive... WHY ARE WE SO MANY FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, this is just crazy.

ImpulsiveREtardednes 12/29/2011

Probably because people haven't learned the proper ways in which to help themselves heal. They've just been pushing all those feelings down, self medicating and throwing their problems onto everyone else around them. *sigh* But there is hope. :) I refuse to believe otherwise.

I know what you mean about the resentment...my mom knows how I feel about her drinking...and she knows how I feel when I know she's had some. She knows that it's not that I don't love her....but that it makes me very angry and hard to be around her when she's like that. But she's done well. Who knows...maybe your brother will get there too.

Pen125 12/29/2011

I hope so! The hope is wearing me out though.. I read your journal and your jounrey has been rough. It's amazing you haven't given up hope, but then again, your mother proved herself even if she had to go through extremely hard stuff...

The addict might not know how to cope with life, but here I am, not knowing how to cope with my addict and my life as well.

One step at a time is the best advice I've ever been given, along with "life goes on".

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