Your therapist doesn't want to focus on it because she/he wants you to focus on yourself. What will make you happy.
My AH is homeless halfway arcoss the states. I feel like you sorry for him but know I can't help him. I tried for 11yrs. He has to want to get help for himself. I remind myself if I have contact with him nothing will of changed. He will use me, let me shoulder all the burden while he continues using drugs. I don't want to get sucked back into the drama, the chaos, the highs and lows. So I have to stay away from him.
You can't help him its best not knowing what their doing.
My therapist told me I may always love my AH but I can move on with my life because I have alot more peace of mind now.

My ex and I lived in a small town and I finally had to tell everyone not to fill me in on what was going on in his life, unless it affected my kids. It was like they would see me and say "oh I saw so and so and he was soooo drunk he fell down a flight of stairs." Great, what am I supposed to do with that? You have guilt because you care. You are doing well and are happy and I'm sure you would like nothing better than to hear that your ex is doing the same. It's called survivor's guilt. I felt no guilt for leaving. Just sadness for my children that their father was a useless drunk. I got a new job, bought a house, went on vacation and watched as his life went down the toilet. I would think to myself, he'd be taking me with him if I hadn't walked out the door.

It will ease with time, I promise. Don't feel guilty for being happy. After what we all go through with our addicts trying to "save them" we all deserve what happiness comes our way!

Dear Strongonmyown,

I'm not nearly in as difficult a situation as you are, but I've struggled with guilt, too. My mother died when I was in college and my brother was in HS. We were "taken in" by fantastic and close neighbors. I grew, flourished in college, moved to another state to start graduate school, and am now in Europe working toward my goal of finishing graduate school. My brother, though he finished HS and graduated college, sunk into depression and pill addiction, resented those who tried to help, was mad at me for "leaving."

In my time in therapy I've been told that we can't fix those around us, we can only be there for them and that we deserve and, in fact, must focus on ourselves and can't let those around us with addiction pull us down with them. It's hard and I struggle with it, especially since my brother is now in rehab. You need to not just survive, but flourish and you not only deserve it, but are entitled to it and if you've found a way to healthily do that for yourself, then good for you!

You could ask your family to *not* share the news of your ex. That might be hard at first, but it might be what you need right now to help you move beyond *him* and focus on *you* until you're ready and able to process his "bad news."

I hope this is helpful. But good for you for taking charge of your own life and moving forward with it. You should be proud of yourself.

My therapist tells me all the time, "you need to learn to be more selfish. Everyone's feelings are always more important than yours." While this wasn't exactly true. what was true was I was able to correctly label and identify other's feelings but I was labeling my feelings incorrectly and minimizing them.
When I would say I was sad, I was actually mad or angry.
When I said I felt guilty, I was really relieved and grateful.
It has taken me time to learn to correctly identify my feelings and label them with the healthy boundaries that keep me safe and happy.
Perhaps this might work for you.