Hi missmaple, welcome,
Been there,,, "you got suckered into it", your allowing your addict to have control, keep conversation to 15 words, say what you mean, mean what you say, everything else, is repeated, and our words are taken out of context, and manipulated against us, it's okay to end the conversation, but simply saying I'm heading this conversation, we will talk when there is no negativity,,, no point in arguing, it reminding him about his drug use,,, not sure what kind of rehap, this is a recovery program and really should not be talking to you daily, especially if it's going to end results are not so good,,trust me I know it's hard, especially being a parent,, we want to fix them,, but like you said sometimes we may not be so right for them,,,
Let go,, surrender,,, do not give up,, but stop giving into your addict,,, patience is really the key here,,,, boundaries is so, so important in keeping our sanity,,,
Do not become an addict to your addict,,, this is their recovery,,,

Release, relax, recharge,,,,

i always had the feeling my son would argue wiith me and then have an excuse to blame me for him using. could be wrong but him and i have always clashed. he is doing well now, in part , i believe because i am not in his life and nagging him.

Jainlor,
Sometimes has parents we want control, well we have to learn to let go,,, it's ok ,, if we are not their everything,,, once you just let go, don't nag( no point) and just relax, you will see a change,, let him come to you ,,, patience is the best tool right now,, and zip the lip,,, trust me that one is hard,,,
Let them fly on their own, always stand by to watch,,

He is calling to make sure your still there should he relapse, he's covering his bases. When he call make it short and when he starts to bring up stuff tell him you have to go and will chat later. If you keep doing this he will stop calling to engage you into an argument. Part of this is because he is just now starting to deal with all the feeling the drugs were masking, he does not know how to feel without drugs.

Katrinka, is right on point, our addicts will do what we allow them to get away with. Let him know your there to support his sobriety.

Thank you everyone. I feel bolstered and ready for the next call. Short, sweet and over... Saw him today for a planned visit. Had agreed to buy him pants (which I did). He also asked for... an ear piercing, a car, a coat, a computer, a massage, a tattoo, and to buy his pothead fr
iend a toaster that singes an image of a pot leaf on the toast... You get the picture. Kind of wish I hadn't bought the pants, now. But with all those ridiculous requests, it gets easier to say "no." Also I have started to say - "Oh that's something people buy for themselves when they have a job."

Sounds like you have a plan for the next call... Good job, sometimes it is amazon what they "ask" for huh? Stay strong mama..

He wants to make sure he still controls you. My husband always did that to me. He would also engage me in a fight so he could blame me for him getting high. When I stopped answering the phone, life got alot easier!

Next time he calls,,, you give him a list if request,, massage, day at the spa, throw in a vacation in the Rivera ,,,
Good job momma,,, don't give up,, just don't give in,,, remain calm, tell him you love him,,keeping boundaries, is the action that proves our love

LOL "an ear piercing, a car, a coat, a computer, a massage, a tattoo, and to buy his pothead friend a toaster that singes an image of a pot leaf on the toast" Hmmm this is a young person not quite ready for sobriety, still thinking of himself. Although he is 18 he really is more like 13. Good luck, stay strong, pants are okay, limit the money and everything else unless he needs a winter coat and then buy a cheap one.

I love this site! I can't believe I am laughing thinking about my son. It's been a long time and having your comments really puts it in perspective. A small triumph today - 68 days sober and on Tuesday has been cleared to move to "Phase II" of his program. Last phone call I ended before it got bad and he started to act a little bit (LITTLE) aware that I was a person with feelings. Nice because last time he was home he said "If I didn't think I'd get caught, Iwould kill you."
Long road but nice to see a mile marker behind us (even if it is mile 1).

the high of conflict and drama haha so very accurately put ma'am.
its a really good thing he is getting sober but its just the start of a long journey also right now he has post acute withdrawals if he is a heroin addict like me this phase is just the worst actually the thing is he is really miserable right now liike really really my life is over no point to anything fuck this kind of miserable right now.
it helps breaking it down into chemicals like telling yourself its just the withdrawals and chemical imbalance in him it will fix itself.
you need to set like a rule with that umm if he swears or raises his voice you wont talk to him like its a rule the minute he does it you warn him if he stops good if not warn again third time you hang up

My son used alcohol and pot. Also some serious dabbling in prescription meds. Beyond that is guesswork, but he seemed to have little trouble (physically) with giving it up. He is at 80 days sober! He is moving to phase 2 of his program. Very scary how many people there get kicked out and most upsetting and tragic, one of the case managers in his house relapsed recently, then left for rehab and OD'd. He died just 5 days after his relapse. He had handled it so nobly - telling everyone, resigning voluntarily. They gave him a going away party in appreciation for his service. It is frightening to be so close to the beginning of a long journey with deadly setbacks possible at any point. My task now to NOT run along side him all the way keeping him on the straight an narrow. Watching and hoping do not come naturally to me.

Just take one day at a time,,, 80 days sober, is a big yea!!!, of course for any mother it's not natural to just sit by and watch and be patient,,, but sometimes we have to do things that may not feel right,,,, this is his recovery,,, so, zip your lip, do something special for you, ( call it your recovery) and release, relax, recharge

80 days is great for him....but it is only the start of the journey. I was told that it takes at least six months for their heads to "clear". And that it's senseless to get into any sort of discussion with them at this point. At this point, he should be surrounding himself with people who are in recovery and you should let him go. Glad you only bought the pants. At 80 days he could still very easily turn into person who would kill you if he could get away with it. With the booze, pot and pills he has crossed that line and it takes a long time to come back. I guess after 37 years I have gotten use to the addict lifestyle and I don't find it hard to keep boundaries with my kids. And in fact, the older i get, the more I want MY life and I resent them disrupting it. It's time for ME and if I have one thing I could tell parents or spouse or whatever...life YOUR life!!!!!!