Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group

Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...

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going on the offense

bluemoon23
bluemoon23
I know my husband is in the process of relapse. He may not be using yet, but I see the warning signs and know he is close. I have talked to him about it, spoke to him about my concerns and even pointed out to him the warning signs he may not be seeing. But of course anyone in this group knows you can't tell an addict anything.All I got was a nod of the head that he heard me but I know he didn't really hear what I was saying...

Anyways, I do not want to repeat what happened last time. It took me a year to pay back my parents who bailed us out after my husband overdrew our account so he could pay for his drugs. It was embarrassing and hurtful to have him do that to his family.

So since I am in charge of the money now, which was no small battle to win, I am planning on taking the extra money I save for bills out of the bank account and stashing it elsewhere. Along with hiding my debit card every night just in case he is able to overdraw somehow. I know this may seem extreme to some, but if my husband isn't going to look at the warning signs then I sure am and im going to protect the family and him in the long wrong. I do feel a little "shady" for doing this behind his back. But I know I have to protect him from himself and what might possibly be coming in the weeks/months ahead.

I won't be able to control what he does with the gas money I give him every week. There's more than enough there for him to get his fix. But at least we will still have a home to live in and a car to drive.

Am I going way off the deep end?
learnasigo
learnasigo
I think you are doing the right thing. You have talked with him about your concerns that you see whats coming. He might not be surprised if he finds out you are hiding the debit card and securing the finances. My husband has seen our debit card on occasion and said to me, you dont have that hidden? I see it coming too now.. and know when to hide it. I feel bad sometimes when I reach for the debit card, wrap whatever dollar bills I have around it and stash it in the usually spot, but its what I have to do. Trust your instincts. I went from being debt free when we met to trying to keep the dirt from the hole we are in now from falling on my head as I try to help us dig our way out. Im glad you are making progress financially and dont have your head in the sand that it could happen again. He may also see the warning signs, but not want to acknowledge them.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I don't think this sounds extreme at all. I think you are very wise to protect your finances if you feel a relapse coming on. I would do the same thing in your shoes. I'd bet even your husband would understand why you had to do it.

I hope things work out ok for you.
pinkpony66
pinkpony66
No not extreme at all. Your instincts are likely corect and you are responding by protecting yourself and your family. And don't assume He didn't hear you. He may want to avoid the truth but nothing falls in deaf ears.
blueviolet725
blueviolet725
why don't you just open an account in your name only? move the money, not up for grabs, to that one. full service, with a new debit card and safe.
maddiefay
maddiefay
I support your decision. Admire your strength. And pray that he makes it through this without having to relapse.
maddiefay
maddiefay
Maybe my last sentence didn't quite make sense... only in my head.

I hope he stays strong is what that should have said.

You too. Stay strong.
donna7455
donna7455
You may also want to sign up for a credit monitoring system. He may be able to get a credit card in his name and get cash advances. My son did that and ran up a $1,000 debt in a matter of weeks buying heroin.

Also, of course, be really cautious with any valuables that could be pawned.
katrinka
katrinka
Protect yourself and if you can open separate account at same bank and this way you can transfer the money over if and when you need to. Its funny how we see the signs, but they do not. I guess they do not want to, they are fighting a battle in their heads already.
dmatt124
dmatt124
Remember this you are not protecting your self from your husband , you are protecting your self from the addict, that cheats, steals, and manipulates anyone who lets him. You protect yourself! If we don't learn from our experiences we then become a part of the problem. It killed me when I bought safes for my daughter to put all her belongings in, but we had no choice, this is. It the deep end, it's the smart proactive end.
bluemoon23
bluemoon23
thank you everyone. I feel less guilty about hiding this from my husband. The bank account is in my name only! However he has taken it before and i've had to cancel the debit card many times. He has been able to use it at stores with no questions asked before as credit. He has pawned my jewelry, my laptop, and many gifts i've given him when he relapsed before. I think he knows he is going down the wrong road but like many of you said he doesn't want to actually acknowledge it as the truth just yet.
laurap1980
laurap1980
You are absolutely doing what you need to do to keep your life in tact. You are protecting yourself. I basically did the same thing years ago. I have the extra money in an account that doesn't have his name on it. He doesn't have a debit card of checkbook for our joint account either. He gets gas money, etc. Yes, he does often spend his gas money on his pills, but at least the mortgage is still getting paid etc. The downside in may case is that there are really no consequences for him - since he can still get what he needs/wants with the gas money and the bills are still getting paid. A double edged sword, but what choice do I have?
karatxmo
karatxmo
I think you are doing the right thing. You have to protect your family and if he relapses his mind wont be in the right place. My husband passed away in July...partly due to a relapse. But for four years after he got clean I kept all of our money in a separate account...he even gave up driving and went everywhere with me. Youre doing it to protect your husband as well. You have to do whatever you can. Unfortunately when we moved out of state we let our guard down and he relapsed. But we fought hard...and he respected me for putting our families needs first when he could not do it.