*sorry for the long post.*

I am confused beyond words.

Today was the day I met my brother after almost 3 years.
The reason behind our meeting was not his asking so. It was because he found out about the wedding and expressed his wish to attend.

My parents said that if he looks OK, he should come. I suppose they want their son to be at their daughters wedding, and we wouldnt have to lie in case he wouldnt be there.

Now, with your support mostly, I have learned quite a few things. Ive been able to offer support to my parents, especially my mother.
I can talk the talk, but judging from today, I dont walk the walk .

I was the one to tell my mother dont expect too much, keep it simple and if he says smt not right, dont pay too much attention, its way too early for him.

I asked for a fight. He made the mistake of mentioning that womans name and then saying that he stands for his choices. I flipped.
It was almost like going back to the bad days. I pushed him. He asked me to punch him in the eye so that I could see the pain I wanted to cause him.. I told him not to talk like a 13 year old misfit. I almost threw up from disgust. Is this my brother?

Things escalated. I dont know how to express it. The more I wanted him to be well, to feel strong and proud of himself, the more I attacked him. The more he looked like a poor recovering junky, the more I wanted to crash him.

He left home, my father followed him. They had some coffee. He was crying, saying he messed up. He said Pen hates her [the g/f] and my father told him that its not hate, its extreme anger because she is the reason my brother fell even lower.

While telling him off, I was chocking from anger. My father is right. I am still angry . On top of that I am torn apart. One one hand I want him to be well, on the other I want him to disappear.

I am so confused, I dont know if Im making any sense.
For all I know, this first meeting was a major fail. I should have been prepared, but I went there with high expectations, not knowing what to really expect.

Less than two weeks before the wedding, I am crying my eyes out.
Most likely, he will attend. My parents want him there.

I dont know right from wrong.