Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
i left my ex over two years ago now... have not been able to have a stable relationship since. i am 31 and looking to start a serious relationship with a man as a potential partner.... i do want children, and other than the baggage from my ex, i have a lot to offer - a stable career, lots of interests, etc. at the same time, when i left my ex, i also had to leave behind a lot of my girlfriends who were so taken in my by ex's manipulative, addictive behaviors that he somehow managed to convince them i was the one in the wrong. obviously this was devastating, and left me with few female friends i could lean on during the breakup.
and now, two years later, male or female, i can't seem to get things quite right. i distrust all men; my ex, like many other addicts, had lied to me about his drug use. i was caught completely unaware when i found out he was using. now, every time i'm with a man, i feel like he's hiding something from me. i'm rational enough to realize it's probably not drug use but...there is still something i feel that is being hidden... and with women it's the same... i feel like they will be my friend until something really bad happens to me (which, i inevitably believe a man will do to me)... and these new female frriends will leave me. huge abandoment issues, i know.
how do i get over these? might not be the best topic for friends and familes of addicts but... it's been two years and im still feeling aftershocks from my ex's abuse. i've done alanon, i've done private one on one therapy,... neither seems to be helping... how do you move on??? how do you trust people???? my rational mind tells me i'm being crazy when i question a new boyfriend, new friends, etc.... my heart tells me these people will hurt me again. i know it's not true... i know it! but how can i really believe that in my heart???
and now, two years later, male or female, i can't seem to get things quite right. i distrust all men; my ex, like many other addicts, had lied to me about his drug use. i was caught completely unaware when i found out he was using. now, every time i'm with a man, i feel like he's hiding something from me. i'm rational enough to realize it's probably not drug use but...there is still something i feel that is being hidden... and with women it's the same... i feel like they will be my friend until something really bad happens to me (which, i inevitably believe a man will do to me)... and these new female frriends will leave me. huge abandoment issues, i know.
how do i get over these? might not be the best topic for friends and familes of addicts but... it's been two years and im still feeling aftershocks from my ex's abuse. i've done alanon, i've done private one on one therapy,... neither seems to be helping... how do you move on??? how do you trust people???? my rational mind tells me i'm being crazy when i question a new boyfriend, new friends, etc.... my heart tells me these people will hurt me again. i know it's not true... i know it! but how can i really believe that in my heart???
It's a process, I guess. It's more about self-love than anything else.
Again, this is a personal opinion. I hope it helps!
If you play your cards right, you won't need to deal with an addict again. But you will have to work hard on yourself to make sure you don't go there again.
"Friends" can betray just as much as a boyfriend, partner, or spouse can. It can take years to get over a trauma like you experienced two years ago. I know you want to have moved on by now, who wouldn't, but it is what it is. Try to be gentle with yourself, betrayal is the hardest thing to heal from.
I would have suggested Al-Anon and therapy to you, and I would still say keep trying, maybe see a different therapist or try a different kind of therapy? There are so many types, are you able to explore with your therapist what might be some options for you at this point? If not, ask around for referrals and give it a go.
I've only just started going to Al-Anon, so I'm no expert, but I didn't get the impression it's something you "do" and then "graduate from". I would say if it was helping, why not keep working the program. You could also look into other groups, but at the end of the day no one can make the changes for you, as I'm sure you have worked out by now.
You ask, how do you trust people? For me, the answer is you test them. Watch the actions and ignore the words. Talk is cheap. I have learnt not to trust anyone at the start, but to watch them over many months and give trust according to how they are earning it. Sometimes a friendship waxes and wanes; a person you used to be able to trust is now distant, or the give and take balance alters towards the "taking" side. It;s ok to let a friendship go, or walk away, it's not failure, it just means that it's no longer working for both people.
You seem to be saying that it's not rational to question a new friend in your mind, and that you know it's not true that they would hurt you. Well, anyone can hurt you. I think it IS rational to have a questioning attitude in the back of your mind, it's a way to protect yourself.
It's hard work learning to get the balance right between protecting yourself and letting someone in. If you've had problems in this area it may suggest that you have developed codependency, at least from being with an addict, or from childhood. Most of us are in the same boat, there's no stigma (or there shouldn't be). It;s just a term that describes a pattern that isn't healthy, so knowing it's there is a good thing.
A good therapist can help you understand the patterns that drive CD, and healthier ways of thinking. I highly recommend reading Codependent No More by Melody Beattie - it's tough going but if you really want to change and get stronger you may find her work helpful. Another author I really like is Dr Laura Schlesinger. She has lots of good books about relationships and friendships. All the best with this part of your journey!
Men are another thing, I tend to listen to what a person is saying, their body language speaks volumes about how sincere a person they are.
I have been going to one on one therapy for about 2 1/2 yrs she has helped me a lot. I realized that when AH left it brought up abandonment issues I had. When I was child my parents divorced when I was three, my mother wasn't allowed to see us except only a couple of times. So when Ah left this surfaced a lot of emotions. I keep wondering why I wanted him back. All his lies, cheating, drugs but my body and brain were going through withdrawal. So being with Ah was better then having to start over and learning to trust again.
Maybe trying counseling again will help you with these issues.