Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
I haven't been active in this group for awhile - I think it is because I didn't want to be reminded of "Alcoholic-land", which is where my 29-year-old son lives. The past week or so, I have been feeling more hopeless and depressed than ever regarding his alcoholism. My husband and I have been struggling with his problem (he started with a heavy marijuana habit and then started using alcohol...) since he was 15. We are very tired. I noticed that there are so many sad messages posted on this forum today. My heart aches for all of you.
I have a very strong belief in God and an intense spiritual practice, and I think this is the only thing that keeps me going - but lately I have been overcome with fear - about that phone call in the middle of the night. We already have gone through a week with TWO phone calls in the middle of the night - my son actually got so drunk TWICE in one week that his friends and AA sponsor had to call an ambulance, with a police escort (because he was claiming he was going to kill himself) to take him to the ER.
It seems my son sabotages everything good or positive that happens to him, and I know that he has a death wish. He claims when he is sober that he would never consciously kill himself, but he has come close through binge-drinking, one time taking pills with the alcohol. He has been in in-patient rehab facilities all over the city, but flees them within a week. We paid his rent and supported him for years, then learned through Al-Anon not to enable him any longer, but became financially wasted as a result.
He has been in every single men's shelter in this city - he uses them like hotels - stays in one, misses his curfew, then moves on to another one when they throw him out as a result. He is now (he says - I never really know where he is) at the Salvation Army for the 27th time. My husband and I had just been saying that he finally got a "break", because he was living in a clean apartment with a decent roommate, and actually got a good job - but he lost both because of drinking. So my despair comes from his being back at Square One - being in the "street system" again, and feeling that he never will get sober, and my husband and I may very well outlive him. I don't really know how to navigate throught he rest of my life living like this. I can distance only to a certain extent - then I start having the maternal protective feelings, although I don't act on them - but it hurts like hell to have them, as a lot of you know.
Sorry this is so long - if anyone has some words of wisdom, please send them my way. I really am at the lowest I have ever been.
Gratefully, Janet
I have a very strong belief in God and an intense spiritual practice, and I think this is the only thing that keeps me going - but lately I have been overcome with fear - about that phone call in the middle of the night. We already have gone through a week with TWO phone calls in the middle of the night - my son actually got so drunk TWICE in one week that his friends and AA sponsor had to call an ambulance, with a police escort (because he was claiming he was going to kill himself) to take him to the ER.
It seems my son sabotages everything good or positive that happens to him, and I know that he has a death wish. He claims when he is sober that he would never consciously kill himself, but he has come close through binge-drinking, one time taking pills with the alcohol. He has been in in-patient rehab facilities all over the city, but flees them within a week. We paid his rent and supported him for years, then learned through Al-Anon not to enable him any longer, but became financially wasted as a result.
He has been in every single men's shelter in this city - he uses them like hotels - stays in one, misses his curfew, then moves on to another one when they throw him out as a result. He is now (he says - I never really know where he is) at the Salvation Army for the 27th time. My husband and I had just been saying that he finally got a "break", because he was living in a clean apartment with a decent roommate, and actually got a good job - but he lost both because of drinking. So my despair comes from his being back at Square One - being in the "street system" again, and feeling that he never will get sober, and my husband and I may very well outlive him. I don't really know how to navigate throught he rest of my life living like this. I can distance only to a certain extent - then I start having the maternal protective feelings, although I don't act on them - but it hurts like hell to have them, as a lot of you know.
Sorry this is so long - if anyone has some words of wisdom, please send them my way. I really am at the lowest I have ever been.
Gratefully, Janet
It sounds like you are having a very rough time of it yourself, and I'm sorry about that. At least your son went voluntarily for psychiatric treatment; my son knows he is depressed, but will not take medication or go to therapy to treat it.
I went to an Al-Anon meeting with my husband, who gets a lot out of the meetings -but when it was my time to share my story, I cried through the whole grisly tale. I could barely get it out. The main reason for my not attending Al-Anon meetings is that they don't seem to offer much feedback, and I feel more lonely and sad after I spill my guts and no one says anything. Maybe each meeting is different - but I don't find this helpful. I guess I would welcome more of a "support group" environment. I do read a lot of Al-Anon-based literature.
Thanks so much again, and I will pray for you as well,
Janet
Thank you for your response and understanding - I hope that you take care of yourself while living with your abusive ex...as you don't need more problems on top of what you are going through with your son -
I'm glad the group has helped you, and that you're not hurting as much -
Janet
The good news is that I know I can't control anything and that I will find strength and support what ever happens. My hope and prayers are with all of you.
P.S. I read a page out of four books everyday and it does help. The four books are One Day at a Time, Courage to Change (both Al-Anon), The Language of Letting Go (Melanie Beattie), and Each Day a New Beginning (Hazelden).
I would suggest to you that you not make the mistake that I so often make, which is to assume that I will definitely get that phone call in the middle of the night about my son. History does NOT have to repeat itself - I'm so sorry that you lost your husband, but it does not necessarily mean that you will lose your son. I comfort myself by reminding myself of my belief that no one leaves this planet unless it is their designated time to do so, and this means that if it is not my son's time to pass on, he will be protected by God from doing so. My wish for both of us is that we can live out our lives without this dark shroud of waiting for that phone call hanging over us.
Thanks for the book suggestions. I think I actually have all of the books you mention, but I find it difficult sometimes to make myself sit down and read them - probably because I want to avoid the topic. But in the long run, reading them would probably help me a great deal.
Blessings,
Janet
I am feeling a bit better - thank you for your compassion (and your hug!)
And I hope you feel better soon, too -
Janet