Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
It has been such an emotional roller-coaster.
I've been working on myself, now trying to know Jesus, working the 12 step Christian program
through a recovery fellowship (not the anon meetings though).. been a year doing this but i still feel
lost. i feel like im going back and forth, back and forth. unending. my feelings for him has not left me.
not ever.
he (my ex) has contacted me out of nowhere, since 1 month of no contact (again)... and asked if
we could meet to talk. He said that he hope to make amends. what does that mean? it could mean anything...
it could mean confessing, finally closing the doors on the possibility of us.. confessing sins i never had an idea of...
thinking of the worst! it could also mean that he wants to reconnect ties.. but i do not feel that at all. he
was so plain and cold with his invitation. seemed like an almost yes or no exchange...
he was not sweet at all.
i am so restless and scared.
I, have mixed feelings about him and us.
I really don't know. i love him but i am intimidated by his new lifestyle...
he has made new friends, has religious/spiritual involvements... that does not involve me.
very different from what i expect in a relationship.
- i want a dedicated partner
- i want a partnership that treats our relationship as sacred. it may mean revolving efforts around
making the relationship work, but yes we can pursue other interests, but that i can feel that i am his priority
i feel sad, angry and scared.
and even more .. seeing that he is enjoying his time now without me (to work on himself)...
i feel defeated. and i can't fake to be and seem well.
I've been working on myself, now trying to know Jesus, working the 12 step Christian program
through a recovery fellowship (not the anon meetings though).. been a year doing this but i still feel
lost. i feel like im going back and forth, back and forth. unending. my feelings for him has not left me.
not ever.
he (my ex) has contacted me out of nowhere, since 1 month of no contact (again)... and asked if
we could meet to talk. He said that he hope to make amends. what does that mean? it could mean anything...
it could mean confessing, finally closing the doors on the possibility of us.. confessing sins i never had an idea of...
thinking of the worst! it could also mean that he wants to reconnect ties.. but i do not feel that at all. he
was so plain and cold with his invitation. seemed like an almost yes or no exchange...
he was not sweet at all.
i am so restless and scared.
I, have mixed feelings about him and us.
I really don't know. i love him but i am intimidated by his new lifestyle...
he has made new friends, has religious/spiritual involvements... that does not involve me.
very different from what i expect in a relationship.
- i want a dedicated partner
- i want a partnership that treats our relationship as sacred. it may mean revolving efforts around
making the relationship work, but yes we can pursue other interests, but that i can feel that i am his priority
i feel sad, angry and scared.
and even more .. seeing that he is enjoying his time now without me (to work on himself)...
i feel defeated. and i can't fake to be and seem well.
I am not sure why you go no contact and then contact again. It seems to me a vicious cycle for you.
My ex husband was an addict when we were married. We went back and forth so many times. I was always looking for him to give me the answers I so badly needed. I wanted to be his priority. I went to 12 step meetings. I actually ran one for a while. I've come to realize the only person who could make me a priority was me.
I'm not saying your aren't doing what you need to for you. Just in reading your past post and this one you are hanging on waiting for him to be this knight on a white horse and save you.
Every call leaves you hanging wondering how he feels. What he's going to say. Is he going to confess all his sins, etc
Until you do your work in healing and loving yourself you will always have the turmoil inside you of all this. I know it's hard to hear, but recovery has to be focused on himself and working within his program. You should be doing the same. Because imho when one changes...one of two things happen. Either you change with him or you move on and chose not to.
Been there done that
Part of my son's ammends were walking into the store that he was an accessory to robbing...and telling them who he was. He said "don't worry if the cops show up, I don't have any current warrents." and he went in and apoligized. (spelling. sorry)...It took some courage, I was in the car sick to my stomach.
so again, this isn't about you. it is part of his recovery. I am sure it will give you a chance to see if there is a future or not...but that really isn't what this is for.
You have to change your mindset and stop being a victim. everyone gets dumped at some point. it makes us decide what personalities and traits we are going to search out for future relationships. It makes us look at ourselves and decide what we like and what we want to change.
I got dumped when the man I lived with sent out wedding invitations to our wedding, although I was not the bride. the whole flipping town knew. I lost my house, business and job...moved to my folks house to start from scratch 7 years gone....and then I met my husband and we have been together 33 years. Was I crushed? Hell yes. and am I better off? a million times infinity.
you can't finish a book until you turn the page.
You are wasting way too much time thinking about HIM and not YOU.
To me, I seemed like the addict was destroying the real person progressively and then when the person stops drinking they have to rebuild themselves back after loosing so much of themselves.
Almost like all their years as an addict are null and void.
This includes any good experiences that you had together and you did actually experience but to him/the addict just null and void.
Or is it just easier for them to avoid facing all the incredible harm they have done and any amends that any healthy person would feel was absolutely necessary...I also question if they are really sober??? I believe my X is still medicated and not in touch with reality but functioning...0 remorse 0 amends is not a healthy person!
He may be at a point in his recovery that he wants to make amends. That does not mean that you need to see him in person if it's going to make you feel like this. You don't owe him anything.
I suggest that you tell him he should send you a letter. Then read it if you are ready. Or not.
we met and he did say sorry for all the things he's done. not sure if they are everything but yes it kinda feels that the effort was more form him than me...
i feel like a spare tire. he just wants me to be on the side while he works on his recovery. i think that's not fair. either you're in or out.
no gray areas. we are probably aspiring for things to be better tom.
but what if there's no tomorrow? upsetting.
Many years ago, I experienced the addict's first and only amends that could not have been more shallow. I believe he was just going through the motions of what he was supposed to do. Sometimes they do that only for themselves which I believe was the case with me.
just a suggestion is to do what most average people would do ...do what you want to do with all aspects of your life as best you can and keep moving in that direction. Don't waste time or effort trying to figure out the addict....just too unpredictable and makes no sense!! I believe things will then work out in the best way.