It's not that I've turned my back on my son. I call him often, I reach out and get ignored, when I'm getting ignored is a clear sign of when he is using. The revolving door at our home HAD to close. He was bouncing in and out, he'd say he wanted help, got him into program after program, did a stint in jail, went to school, but rules are rules and I will NOT have drugs in my home. And he broke those rules, not once, not twice, not three times, but by the 4th enough is enough. He'd get a job, keep it for a month then quit or never show up. He'd lay around the house all day while we where working our butts off to pay the mtg. Enough was enough. I have NEVER stopped loving him nor would I. But I refuse to enable him any longer. He is an adult, he is sick, but he is lucky enough to have the BEST program at his disposal ANYTIME he wants it without paying a dime, but he has gone three times and each time left when he was doing great.

So we may not allow him to live under our roof. We won't drop everything to give him a ride here there and everywhere. But we will NEVER stop loving him.

I message him everyday with an I love you, Mom. I don't get a reply.

what we try to do is love the addict and not enable the addiction. we promote safety for the families exposed to the addicts behaviors. We protect our assets- valuables, money etc. We understand that we cannot change them.
Rarely is anyone here in support of throwing away an addict. We know how valuable life is. BUT we also cannot allow ourselves to lose our sanity and get sucked into the world of codependence.
we set our boundaries and try to live a live of balance on that tightrope of loving an addict.
We know better than anyone that this disease can steal the soul of anyone. Better than anyone. Preaching to the choir here...adk.
I am sorry for your loss.

(Here )is our safe haven, OUR place to share, learn, vent, cry and laugh at ourselves. No one is here because they are giving up on their loved ones, on the contrary they are here because we are desperately trying to find the answers, that is how most of us found our way to DS, because we never will give up. But as my friend blue said, we need to learn how to not enable, and how to create the boundaries that addicts so desperately need. So, I thank you for sharing, but please know no one made there way here because they were giving up.

I think our goal is to find the balance between taking care of our own sanity first, understanding the irrational nature of this disease, being supportive in ways that are not hurtful or harmful to ourselves and to understand that to truly help an addict they have to experience the consequences of their addict behavior NOT their families taking the impact. Seems like tough love unfortunately is the only way.
I think tough love is the last thing they want (while in their active disease) but the first thing they need.

Adding my condolences to those of my friends for your loss. I also do not believe that any mom here would turn their back on their child.. But allowing an active addict in your home where they use (even if they tell you they are not) is not safe for family members, or the addict either.. This enables and makes it more comfortable for them... My son's doc is Heroin... After 3 (at least, I think I've lost track) stints in jail, outpatient rehab, inpatient rehab, and a sober house, he has decided to go AWOL ... Out there somewhere...most certainly not my choice for him...I WILL NEVER turn my back, but I can't help him at this point.. The path to recovery is his.

oh if only love were enough....IF ONLY a mom's love was enough but at a certain time we cannot keep enabling. and tough love seems to be the only way they get help.. the people in this group love so much and want so much to learn how to help without enabling

Yes I agree it's a disease but it's also a fine line we walk - and potentially a dangerous one for those of us who tolerate and love our addicts. Unfortunately to do both at the same time sends them the wrong message and puts them in harms way. To tolerate an addictive lifestyle only enables, allows or makes it easier for them to continue using which in reality adds fuel to an out of control fire.

To truly love an addict is when you stop enabling their behavior, establish strict rules and boundaries and saying "no" to addictive behavior becomes the operative word (say what you mean - mean what you say). It's at this point where you love the addict and hate the addiction.

I have an addict son who not only used drugs but used us, his family and friends and a wonderful girlfriend to support his addiction. We invested tons of hours and spent thousands of dollars trying to help him. He didn't want our help and threw it back in our face. He neither loved or cared about anyone else; not even himself only his drug-of-choice. He caused us nothing but grief, created a living Hell, turned our home into chaos central and almost put us Into bankruptcy. He became lazy and dependent on us and after months & years of trying to save him we finally came to realize that unless he was willing to makes changes to save himself nothing we did or said would ever make that happen.

So to try and save him because we loved him so much, we let him go and then waited for him to hit bottom which he did. That was 2 years ago and now we are watching him pull his life together, encouraging his efforts, giving him moral support and will be there financially as long as he shows us he's serious about his sobriety.

So no I haven't turned my back on him and am not aware of anyone I've met on this site that has - in fact it's quite the opposite most addicts turn their back on us by choosing their DOC and "it's all about me attitude" over family, friends and a future.

First I am sorry about the loss of your nephew. I have never and will never "give up" on or "stop loving" my addict son.

Everything I do including kicking him out of my house and not supporting his addiction were out of love. He knew that the day he said "mom I want help" , I would move heaven and earth to get him help.

Our nature is to be loving and helpful people.
With tough love we are helping them to fight their disease by not being a part of their self destruction.
This is OUR part to help. They are not alone in this battle even if they don't see it.
If they only have enablers around them ...maybe they would be truly alone in their battle.

My condolences for the loss of your nephew. I'm sure you gathered by the responses to your post that we as the family members if addicts do not ever give up hope or trying to fight the demon of addiction . Love is what drives us so hard to fight this terrible disease. I have a 20 yr old son that is an addict in forced recovery because he was arrested in January ( first time ever arrested although I wish this would have happened years ago) in a perfect world I would never wish for my sons arrest but after living in the world of addiction if his arrest is what it takes to save his life then so be it. I have spent countless nights sitting by his bedside in hospital rooms, walking the floors not knowing if he was dead or alive in the middle of the night when he would not come home or answer his phone. Praying multiple times daily for him to wake up and change his life. My tears could fill an ocean for all the devastation this disease has caused myself and my family. Loving him has never ever stopped and never will . I agree addiction is a disease but unlike cancer or other ailments my son holds the key to free himself from this monster he just has to want it as much as I want it for him I can not do it only he can. Hope is always there without it I would have given up and I love him far too much to ever do that. I'm sure you did mean well with your post but it was a little undermining to the suffering experienced by the families here that love their addicted family members no matter what. Peace to you and all of us affected by this disease addicts and family members alike. Dee

So true Dmatt! We are here searching for answers or a clue that will help us, help our loved one. This site helps us know that we are not alone.
We help, give hope and never give up.

Many of you have probably seen this already, but it's helpful to reread it every once in a while, lest we forget.

The Addicts Plea;

You can't make me clean. I know it is what you want for me to be, but until I want it - I won't be. You can't love me clean ...because until I learn to love myself, I won't be.

I know you must wonder how can I learn to love myself when I am caught up in a lifestyle of self-hatred and self-destruction. I can learn from my own experience ... I can learn from the things that happen to me along the path of my own mistakes. I can learn by being allowed to suffer the consequences of my choices. Life has a funny way of teaching us the lessons we need learn.

I know it devastates you to watch me hurting myself. I know you want to jump in and save me. This helps ease your pain, but I don't think you understand just how damaging it is to me. You see, although I look and sound like your loved one, Me, the person .. is locked away deep down inside my being. What you see before you is an addict ruled and reigned by my addiction. The main focus of an addict is to feed the addiction. I feed my addiction enough ... please don't help me.

The only way for the person in me to get free is to be free .. to fall as far as I need to go in order to find the strength to fight back and break free.

How can I, or will I, ever be able to get clean? The same way I gave myself over to my addiction is the same way I can give myself over to my recovery: BY MYSELF!

By allowing me to reach rock bottom you move over and allow me to find my own way back .. It is in the fight to break free that I will find myself .. it is in the fight that I learn to love myself .. the more I love myself, the more I will do to better myself.

I am aware that when I use I am playing Russian Roulette with my life. I know this, but that is a chance we take when we use. The addict in me is willing to take that chance in the name of getting high.

Rock bottom is but a circumstance away. I can't get in if you are blocking the entrance ...

Please for the sake of the person in me .. move out of the way .. and let me fall as far down as I have to in order to reach the bottom .. and pray for me that when I do hit .. that is not with the impact that leaves me for dead (I know that is your greatest fear), but if it comes to that .. be sure to tell my story so that others might learn and live

I did eventually have to stop loving my almost fiancee. She was addicted to gambling and over eating. She had a BMI of 53, diabetic (but telling everyone that it went away by itself!) eating sugar and drinking big gulp full sugar cokes. She had gambled away over a quarter of a million dollars of pay and borrowed money from everyone and refusing to pay them back. Bankruptcy and foreclosure did not phase her.

She went through the motions of trying recovery and then saying it was not for her and that it did not work and that she did not like it. She also talked about how weight watchers "did not work". She did not get the idea of how she needed to do this to move forward in the relationship. she would talk the talk for my benefit, but i got the truth by surprise one evening. a friend of her sat me down and told me "the truth". My future wife did not have a gambling problem, it was more of a budgeting problem. she got carried away in the past and lost the house, but she has it under control now and we needed to hurry up and get married and I needed to stop being so bossy and let her gamble when she wants to.

It hurt to realize that after a year of GA meetings she was only 12 days sober and bored of meetings and ready to gamble again. that the story she presented to her friends was very different from the reality of her devastating addiction. The were her friends and they told her what she wanted to hear, not what she needed to hear.

I knew I was outnumbered and needed to move on. I did love her, but she loved gambling and there was no room for me. By not pulling out of the relationship, I was enabling her to think that we would marry and that it would be on her terms. Her family still enables her and lends her money though she never pays them back. Though my experience of helping her to start recovery (something they never asked her to do) they have seen a different way of dealing with her. They do not take her side in the break up and have told her that others would not have been as patient and that she will most likely not have another chance at marriage. We are in our 40s and it is unlikely that at her age, weight, financial state and addiction level that anyone else would put in the 2 1/2 years I did.

I gave her a one man intervention and let her know that I would not be dating her unless she took recovery seriously. I told her I needed 90 days away and that I would come to her 90 day celebration. She e mailed me a few days later to announce that she had quit going to meetings and did not have a problem.

Ironically, I know more about recovery than the average enabler. I'm a recovering alcoholic. I was arrested for a second DUI after we started dating. I got serious after almost 30 years of heavy drinking and went to meetings and rehab and now I'm sober 2 1/2 years and she is still saying she does not really have an addiction and that she can quit anytime she wants to. I had hoped for the same journey that I have had, but she was not at her bottom and did not want to leave her addictions behind.

Life is short and I could no longer waste my life waiting for her to become marriage material. If it was meant to be, it would have happened. But I would be hurting myself and preventing her from hitting bottom and starting recovery if I continue to see her.

Probably the hardest thing to do is to turn away your addicted child, however if you enable that addiction, it wins! Nothing is ever easy when dealing with addiction, and as a parent I have second guessed myself many with my son's addiction and it is never easy. Let them know you love them but will not enable or tolerate their drug use.